Climbing Out of the Pit of Depression: A Personal Story

Beloved readers, this post is much more personal than my usual posts. I am finally finding the courage to share something that I've been going through in the hopes that it will help someone else. I always try to write the pain out, but in this blog, I tend to hold back. I always try to be positive and/or solution oriented here, but I have struggled to do both or either, so I redacted a great deal. People expect me to be positive and so I try to acquiesce. But now that I am on the tail end of this trying time, I have a bit more perspective.

For the past nine months I have been going through a severe depression. It began with a loss of a close loved one and spiraled from there. I now realize that a great deal of that came from a severe vitamin D deficiency (being vegan puts me at an even greater risk-check your levels fellow vegans!) That may explain why I couldn't really verbalize exactly why I was so sad. I did, by the way, tell a few friends that I was depressed, but that's when I realized that most people don't know how to help a person in this situation.

Yes, I thought of seeking professional help, and still may, but I've always believed that loved ones could easily do what psychologists get paid to do. I also did not want someone giving me a "magic pill" to mask the issue, not to mention that seeing a therapist of any sort is taboo in the African American culture. I knew I wasn't suicidal, so I figured I'd power through it. It's interesting, when one is depressed but not suicidal, people seem to expect you to just choose to be happy.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have various different tools to reconnect with my joy or to get through trials. I employed them all and even found new ones. I could usually get a few hours of reprieve from the sadness, but it would return. Even music became a temporary fix. I am a gregarious person. Even though I can be shy in some social situations, I'd much rather be in the company of others during these times than alone. Even if I'm just observing, I am able to soak up positive and happy vibes and feel better. It works the other way too, of course. If I am around negative energy of any sort, those emotions attach themselves to me.

After Robin Williams committed suicide, I was struck with such a fear for those out there who were going through what I, and apparently Robin Williams, had been going through and were struggling to find a stronghold. At that time, however, I did not have the strength or the answers to give in order to help. I'm still not sure I have the answers for those struggling. I do have advice for those of you who may have loved ones who are suffering:

1. Check on people regularly and delve deeper into answers like I'm "fine," "ok," "alright," and even "good." Ask them specific questions about what's going on with them. "Good" just may mean better than yesterday which was horrible. Or, maybe they are just trying not to be a "downer."

2. Take the time to spend some time. Even if the person chooses not to speak about what's bothering them (they may not always have an answer) time spent in the company of others remembering the simple joys of life can take them away, if only for a short time, from their depression.

3. Be kind to everyone. I'm sure you've seen many memes that talk about how you never know what a person is going through, and it's true. Everyone we encounter has things going on in their lives we know nothing about. If we are mindful to be kind and gentle with one another, we may make some one's day a little easier to get through.

4. DO NOT CHASTISE THEM FOR FEELING SAD-You may not even think of yourself as chastising when you tell them that they should try being grateful for what they have. I've learned from experience that you can be grateful for all the things and people in your life and still not be able to shake the sadness. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You can want and try to be happy but still feel sadness sitting in the pit of your stomach like a lump of coal. 

5. Don't wash over their feelings like they are just having a bad day. A bad day for you may be things not going well at work. Sometimes a "bad day" from a depressed person is not being able to smile through the pain that has been going on for months.  

6. Don't call them selfish. Yes, they are thinking only of themselves, but when you are in this state, selfishness becomes a biological imperative. 

For those of you who may be struggling with depression, I implore you to reach out to someone, anyone, even a stranger, and express your sadness. Sometimes being able to just get it out in the open makes you feel lighter. Find your tools, things that bring you joy, and use them often...even if they are only temporary fixes. It's good to be able to remember how to be happy and that you can be happy.

We need to be gentle with each other. We need to be mindful of each other's lives. Robin Williams showed us that even a person who can make so many others' lives happier need the same in return. Lastly, hug each other.  It's been proven that hugs can change your biology and your psychology.Give good, strong hugs that convey love and care. I am grateful to be on my way out of this dark time. I ask forgiveness from those who may not have gotten my best. I ask for patience from you as I climb back into the seat of happiness and reflect the light. I send love and strength to those of you still in pit of it. I'm here for you.

 

 

What About Love?

People seem to make a really big deal about love, yet they don't seem to make a big enough deal about it. What I mean is, we as humans tend to want to qualify and quantify love. We categorize love as romantic, platonic, and familial. Then we say we love one more than the other. We find reasons to love each other instead of loving for the sake of loving. When someone tells us they love us, depending on the type of relationship we want with that person at that moment, we either run away scared, shine it away like they're crazy, take it for granted, or put so much meaning on it that everything else they say or do from that point on is weighted by it. Then there are the conditions. I love you only if, when, because. I only love these people, but not those. I find people have an easier time loving things, places, and activities than they do other people. But what is love anyway?
This tendency to categorize love as if it comes from a different place depending on our relationship with the beloved is baffling to me. Love is love. Sure there are physical reactions that come with attraction, but all feelings of love come from the same place. The instinct a mother has to nurture and protect her child, the desire to mate, the connection you feel with a friend all emanate from the same place. Love doesn't actually come from the physical heart. The physical heart is just a muscle (albeit a very important one) that pumps blood through the body. The brain tells the heart to do this work. Feelings come from the limbic system in the brain. It's a complex system that governs feelings, emotions, self preservation, and memory to name a few. But there's actually a part of the brain that specifically governs this emotion/feeling. This is why love comes naturally to us as humans. We are hardwired for it. Love is our natural state. But, the brain being the amazing organ that it is, is capable of filtering and mutating this emotion/feeling as a survival mechanism.


We allow past experiences to taint how we love and our definitions of love. Although the words "emotions" and "feelings" are often used interchangeably, there are some differences in their meanings. There have been many philosophical, psychological, and biological theories and debates on this, but I like this explanation : Feelings need external stimuli to occur such as heat or cold, or a sad or frightening event, whereas emotions can occur internally, without external stimuli. An emotion is deeper and can be longer lasting. It can be triggered by a thought, memory, or external sensation, and can often change our physical state. When I read these explanations, it became clear to me; we allow our thoughts, memories, and external stimuli to influence how we experience love. It's interesting how selective we are in that process, however.  We let past hurts and deceptions color our view of love, what it is, should be, or can be. Yet, we fail to allow the good feelings or emotions of the past to influence our view of love. When someone lies to you or betrays you, do you automatically think 'I'll never trust again' or do you take a moment to remember the people in your life who have been faithful and loyal to you?

It's ashamed, really. Think about what it feels like to "be in love." You can't stop smiling. Everything seems wonderful, more colorful, vibrant, fragrant, pleasing. And if you think really hard about it, these feelings come even before the object of your affection expresses his/her love for you. That's because it feels good to love. You may think the good feelings are coming from how sweet he/she is being to you, but it's actually coming from within. It's not the short lived external stimuli causing a feeling, it's you recalling the love that you have experienced in the past as an emotion that may cause you to cry at sentimental commercials, or your heart to beat faster. It's you remembering your natural state. What's strange is, even though you may love the person before you know if they love you, you somehow stop if you become certain that they don't.

Love is so expansive an emotion, it should show up everywhere. If you love curry chicken, why can't you love the man who held the door open for you? Sure, curry chicken may taste good, but that door wasn't going to open itself. I joke, but every smile, good deed, hug, thoughtful act, every kindness, is an expression of love. If we take a moment to see these things that way, maybe we would be compelled to oblige, to return the love. Lately, I've decided to see everyone I met as someone I loved. I consciously told myself 'I love this person'. I found strangers were drawn to me and I think it's because they felt the love I was sending them. To love and to be loved is the greatest thing one can do or have done to them. If someone expresses love for you, you should feel honored and grateful. It is not natural for us to avoid, run away from, or limit love. It should be so natural and commonplace for us to love and express love, that the ideas of reacting negatively to it, putting conditions on it, or ending it should be foreign to us.

Nelson Mandela said, "No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite. " We are, after,connected; one energy taking different forms. If you love yourself, and I hope that you do, then you should easily be able to love me, or anyone else. LOVE and Light.