2014 Wrap Up: Lessons

This time of year I always reflect on the preceding months and mostly give thanks that I'm still here, but also take note of the lessons I've learned. It's always good to take inventory of your lessons and store them in a place in your brain where you can easily access them...lest you forget.

I spent the greater part of 2014 in a deep depression, It has been a strange roller coaster ride that began in a deep pit at the end of 2013 with a slow climb throughout 2014. I was hurt, grieving, heartbroken, financially weakened, taken for granted, and lonely. I lost friendships, became very ill,saw one of my idols pass,witnessed great tragedies world wide, and saw the beginning of a great movement (or two).

Despite all of this, I've learned great lessons and I am on the upside of this climb.One of the most important things I learned was that I do not want to waste anymore time or energy on things or people that do not uplift me either mentally, spiritually or emotionally. The phrase "Thinking of yourself is not selfish, not thinking of others is" kept popping up on social media. It reminds me of an analogy from air travel that I always use. Life is like the flight attendant says, 'put your mask on first before helping others.' How can you help someone else in need if your own safety is in jeopardy?

The real lesson, well, more like a revelation, came to me after I began a new job. Out of the blue, I suddenly learned acceptance. I had been struggling with life like someone trying to walk against a strong wind. I kept pushing against it trying to force my way down a path that clearly wasn't meant for me. I've struggled to "fit in," be heard as someone with something worth hearing or seen as someone who is beautiful and worth knowing. I've struggled with acquiring a life that I was told I should have and thought I wanted, and maybe I do want but I certainly can live happily another way. But it was as if the hand of God or the universe stopped me in my tracks, turned me around and told me to go with the wind.

We grow up hearing that we need to do this, then that, then find this to live happily ever after. We're fed fairy tales to illustrate how life is supposed to go (and it never does) and we buy into it, But maybe we don't all fill our cups with the same stuff, i.e., great wealth, a beautiful spouse and lovely children. Maybe some of us fill our cups with adventures to exciting places, friends from varying backgrounds, or brief but extraordinary love affairs. Perhaps our cups are meant to be filled with a substance made especially for us.

So, I've stopped pushing against the wind. I no longer strive to get people to love me or even like me. I can fully be who I am because who I am is good enough...or even better! I have opened my eyes to see all of those people who do see and hear me and love what they see and hear. I admit at first I thought it was apathy, which I did not want. Then I realized that it wasn't that I didn't care, I was just ok with what other people are able to give.  People don't always intentionally withhold kindness, attention, or love. Sometimes they are just giving the best they have at that time. I can't ask for more than that.

I'm grateful for this epiphany because it means that I don't have to change who I am and give less love, in order to protect myself from harm. By accepting people (myself included) and situations that I can't change, as they are, I can let go of expectations and the desire for more from them. More can be gotten in many places to fill my cup...and I intend to fill it. May your cup runneth over in 2015.

Being Yourself

I was thinking about the middle school youth I work with. You can learn a lot from middle school youth. They are in that in between stage of no longer children but not yet adults. They don't know exactly who or what they are. This, along with surging hormones, can cause them to go through some confusing and difficult times. Youth these days seem to get judged unfairly because their self exploration and desire to stand out while being accepted at the same time causes them to behave erratically, act out, and get angry with all who don't understand them.

Actually, this description is not unlike a lot of adults sometimes.  There is a group of "mean girls" in my program who are just some very bright and sweet eighth graders who have yet to figure out where they fit into the grand scheme of things. They intimidate the sixth and seventh graders, and some of the eighth graders too! They are often rude and disrespectful, particularly with adults whom they don't know or like. They 'tested' me in the beginning, by their own admission. When they saw that I wasn't going anywhere, wouldn't judge them, but correct them, and that I give them multiple opportunities to adjust their behavior, I became the one adult they did like and respect.  Of course, showing them I wouldn't tolerate disrespectful behavior played a part too. They like that I always show them respect regardless of how they behave.

Working with middle school youth gives me insight into the behavior of many adults...myself included. Everyone is trying to find their place in the world, and anyone who is working to do better and be better is going to run into some bumps in the road. Children are constantly being told how and who to be with no discussion on whether or not that's who or how they want to be. Don't get me wrong, we must teach  children to be good people, but we mustn't define for them what that looks like.

I personally have been told all of my life how I should talk, dress, think, love, learn, be. Much of this advice comes from loved ones so I try to take heed because I believe they are advising me out of love. Often times, however, they are just regurgitating what they have been told without giving thought as to whether it would fit who I am at the core. Sometimes I have to wonder who that really is and if it would be pleasing to anyone. Perhaps this is why I work with youth. I understand what it is like to be told to "be yourself" after years of so many different people telling you what "yourself" should be. It makes me wonder if we ever really leave the middle school stage of life or do we just take on more responsibilities...and advise. More love.