Listen

I rarely get too personal in this blog, but last night I had a dream that I know is about more than just me as I have seen and heard it happening all around me. So, I am going to share the relevant parts of this dream in hopes of reaching ones who need it...which I believe is everyone.

I dreamed I was a little girl, maybe nine, at a school which seemed to go up to high school. I was very excited about everything that happened there; p.e. class, recess, and especially a talent show. Everything and everyone seemed to blow past me in a noisy frenzy. No one talked to me except for one teacher who took the time to answer every question, yet was always pulled away prematurely to deal with other children.

I asked the teacher if I could be the stage manager for the talent show (apparently in my dream, I remembered I was a drama major in waking life) but he said I was too small, but that I should audition for the show. I was not at all dejected, but I could hardly think of what talent I could share. Then, I decided I would recite a poem I wrote called "A Wondrous World." (No, I haven't written such a poem in waking life...yet)

When I arrived at the audition, chaos overwhelmed the auditorium while a young girl was trying to sing her song. My teacher was busy trying to show a young man how to work the lighting board while students ran around, laughed and talked loudly. I took a seat behind some girls who seemed to be your stereotypical "mean girls" from some tween flick. They were all making fun of a girl and discouraging her from auditioning with her song saying she had no talent. These were her best friends.

When the little girl on stage was finished performing, my teacher yelled out 'who's next?' I resolutely crumbled my poem up, shoved it into my pocket and marched up to the stage. In the midst of this chaos, I took the microphone and started belting out the song "Listen" from the movie Dreamgirls. Mind you, I'm almost certain I've only heard this song once, when I saw the movie years ago, but the lyrics bellowed out of me as if I was Beyonce herself. Suddenly, the room was quiet and still. All eyes and ears were on me. Once I was finished, there were no applause, just gaping mouths, and I walked away from the mic, and left all of my youthful enthusiasm on the stage.

As I awaken, I recalled a conversation I had had the night before about listening. Most people don't do it. We hear the words, but we're often too busy waiting for our opportunity to respond to actually listen to what's being said. I remember in my discussion the idea of also listening to what's not being said. A conversation has many parts; speech, subtext, tone, body language. It's baffling to me how we can think that effectual conversations can take place via text, facebook, or twitter.

I took special note to the fact that in my dream I was a small child. It was a direct correlation with my feelings that youth go unheard, and how I sometimes feel like a child who should be seen and not heard when people don't listen to me. Young people always tell us what they think, feel, and need, but because they haven't yet learned how to convey these things sufficiently, we only hear complaints, excuses, and rebellion.

We are all children in the midst of chaos fighting to be heard. We are, however, also the chaos. We need to listen to each other and not just hear. I remember years ago how I used to hear music, the beat, the bass, the rhythm of the lyrics, but I wasn't actually listening to the words. Once I began to listen to the words, I became much more discerning about the type of music I listened to. 

So many times when a tragedy occurs, or even just disappointment, there were warnings to which we didn't listen.There is much that we can offer and receive from one another, but we need to listen. Don't dismiss someone because they are not speaking in a language you prefer or are used to. Do pause amidst the chaos and observe, pay attention. There is value in every word that is spoken or unspoken, even if we don't know what that value is at the time. Listen.

A Crown and a Sword

In all of my writings about my journey to the throne, I have neglected to speak about one of the most important characteristics of a queen. A queen must be a warrior. Yes, with the crown comes a sword. As Voltaire said, "With great power comes great responsibility." The necessity to don armor and hit the battlefield is not only to defend others, but to defend one's crown as well.

The "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune," as Shakespeare put it, are ever present as a queen ascends the throne. There are always obstacles and sometimes setbacks. But a queen must fight because the crown is her birthright. 

Women in this world are born into conflict. Our power is either physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually (or all of these) snuffed out or stifled from birth. As soon as we exit the womb, we are bombarded with the beliefs and shackled with the restrictions of the world we have entered. We are clad with pink, bows, ribbons, and lace to identify us as delicate and fragile. 'Feminine' is given the connotation of 'weak.' But make no mistake, females are born with the same warrior spirit, toughness, and fortitude as males. The difference is that our feminine aspect provides us with different tools with which to fight, and different reasons for which to fight.

Women must be the caretakers of the world. The children, the planet, and all its creatures depend on the skills of the woman to both nurture and protect them. We are the warriors for peace, equality, safety, wisdom, knowledge and love. We also have personal battles to fight on a daily basis.

The daily battle in which we as women must engage is the battle to live freely, securely and at peace in our own skin on this earth. We must have Teflon skin when we are judged by our physical appearance rather than our mental and spiritual content. We must brandish a sword against belittling words, thoughts and actions that would sour our spirits. We often must physically defend our bodies against violence.

Black women must double our efforts to protect our kingdom (we are the kingdom) from the barrage of hate thrown at us not only because of our gender but also because of our race. The belief system that was in place at our births says that we are not beautiful, we are ignorant, aggressive, materialistic, argumentative, oversexed, and less worthy of love and affection. Many of us join in this belief and therefore denigrate ourselves even more in the process. Some of us take arms against these beliefs often to no avail for lack of support.

All women can relate to the struggle to be seen as worthy and powerful allies to men, yet only the black woman can comprehend or even recognize their battle. We are stereotyped, mimicked, overlooked, ostracized, degraded and misunderstood. Embedded in the psyche of society are not only the beliefs about women, but those of the black race. Unfortunately, they are also embedded in the black woman's psyche as well, thus making the battle even more arduous.

As queens, African, Native, Caucasian, Asian, Latina, and Hispanic, we must be willing and ready for the battlefield. Whether we are fighting for our children, our planet, our families or ourselves, we must acknowledge that we are in the midst of war. Yes, there is a time to trade in armor for silk and the sword for flowers. Part of our power is our femininity. Most importantly, we must link arms and march together towards the enemies of hate, greed, oppression and misogyny. These are our real enemies, not each other, not ourselves. This, I have learned, is what a queen does.

We are the Ocean

In a reasoning with a dear friend the other day, he mentioned how individually we are all drops of water that collectively form the ocean and we are all the ocean. All of a sudden I was struck by a deeper realization and took the analogy further; like the ocean there is life inside and outside of us that affect and effect our behavior and appearance.

Allow me to explain further. We know that from bacteria to plankton to the blue whale, life in the ocean greatly affects life on land, yet we know very little about the ocean. At least 80% is yet to be explored. Ocean currents are a continuous directed flow of ocean water capable of traveling thousands of kilometers. Surface currents move water at the surface of the ocean, while submarine river currents flow deep below. The ocean's surface rises and falls predictably due to changes in gravitational forces originating from the Moon and the Sun. These changes in ocean surface level are known as tides and are evidence of the influence celestial bodies have on our planet.* 

In other words, there's a lot going on inside and outside of the ocean that affects/effects what we see, hear, and feel at the beach or on a boat. Sound familiar? Have you had days filled with emotional and environmental turmoil and yet all people see is that you're grumpy or mean? Perhaps if they delve deeper, they would find pain, confusion, frustration or a myriad of other 'submarine river currents' that would not be defined the same way as your surface behavior.

We are often so quick to judge and often misunderstand others because we are unable to see the 'submarine river currents' or the 'lunar gravitational forces' that are affecting/effecting them. When we first engage others, we sometimes forget that they lived an entire life before we met them. We fail to consider that perhaps it will take a while, maybe even another lifetime to really know who they are. We also expect them to behave as we do with the assumption that our behavior is the best, forgetting, of course that the life inside and outside of them may be completely different than our own.

As humans, we tend to live our lives based on our own perceptions which are formed by our own experiences and knowledge handed down to us. If we remember this when we engage with others, perhaps we will be more willing to be open to another's perceptions, experiences and knowledge if for no other reason than to better understand them. The ocean has been around since human beings appeared on earth, yet we have yet to explore 80% of it! Maybe like the ocean, we should dive deeper into others before we judge their tides.

*http://marinebio.org/Oceans/index.asp

“All warfare is based on deception.” ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

For clarity's sake, please allow me to define "queen" as I use it in this blog. I define a queen as a woman whose pride in herself and her heritage, her service to others, and her devotion to the upliftment of humanity make her appear as though she dons a  crown on her head. It is a birthright of all women, but it is a title that must be earned, not one that is bequeathed. This blog is about my journey to the throne.

I try to make it a daily practice to encourage others to rise above worldly behavior, to be better versions of themselves. Please forgive me if I've ever implied that this was an easy task. I know from experience that it is a daily battle....one which I don't always win. Yes, it is a battle, a war. It is a battle which "society" as a whole wages against us on a daily basis via media, the lure of material goods, and other false representations of happiness in order to gain control of our loyalty. Yes, that's what's at stake. Your loyalty ensures you'll buy their products, rhetoric, policies, lies, excuses and so on. But what do we get out of it?

As much as I fight against what society calls "the norm," I too fall prey to it's attack. The assault, after all, begins at birth, so some things require daily reprogramming. My job has a lot of windows that I must pass several times during a day. I always intentionally glance at my reflection to ensure all is well, and inevitably dislike what I see. I begin to criticize everything I see in my reflection. It wasn't until the other day that I realized that I was playing right into the hands of the enemy.

I said to myself, 'how often have you told others to crush the so-called "standard of beauty" and look beyond the physical to find true beauty?' Yet here I am, every day, comparing myself to a standard that only 2% of the population can meet. (Yes, the beauty standard is another elitist scam perpetrated on the masses...and even they cheat!). I am so concerned with my outward appearance because I know that is how people judge me upon first impressions. But why do I care so much when I know that if people take time to really see me, they would find the beauty I have worked so hard to create inside me?

I have to admit that this is one battle that I have yet to find the right defensive and offensive strategy to win. I not only contend with the inculcation of the past, but also with the damaging words and experiences of the present. At some point, I have to take responsibility for my own involvement in the ravaging of my self perception. Honestly, I rarely, if ever, encounter women who look like Kate Moss, yet I meet many beautiful women all the time.  Everyday I see posts on social networks of before pictures of a perfectly attractive woman, and the after picture of the same woman with muscles like men and bones protruding from their hips. Is that how I want to look? Certainly not.

At some point we all have to realize that we have a choice about what we believe and to whom we give our loyalty. We must learn to ask ourselves if buying into "the norm" or going with the "status quo" truly benefits us more than being who we actually are and desire to be. What is really in it for us, and can we actually attain lasting happiness by attaining a lifestyle of luxury and striving for an impossible standard of beauty? The battle is continuous and we can only win it together. Let us be conscious of what is really important: kindness, caring, selflessness, honesty, and love.

Lessons from Loss

This year began and ended with loss for me. I've been meditating on this loss for the past ten days trying to find a lesson, a nugget of wisdom, or some big picture perspective. Sitting next to the heater trying to warm my body, my heart was the first to melt and my "aha" moment came. I have not experienced loss, but an opportunity to acknowledge my gain.

Two very special people in my life have transitioned this year and I was devastated. When people pass, we often reflect on their lives and our time with them. It is in this reflection that I remember my blessings. The love, lessons, laughter, and memories that we shared have played a huge part in making me who I am today. I am thankful for that time and it will remain with me always.

What I have lost is regret for loving those who were unable to return that love. Each of them has brought something special to my life by being people who were lovable. Having regret for loving them puts conditions on love and turns it into something else...fear. We fear not being loved or not being able to love because a person is simply being who they are. We want to change them or give them rules for being part of our lives which really illuminates the fact that we don't actually love them we love who we wish they were.

I have also lost the desire to stifle myself or my love simply because it makes others uncomfortable. Life is but a breath and we waste each breath we take when we try to be who others want or think we should be. We waste precious time when we dislike or disrespect ourselves because we do not look, act, think, or speak how others say is best. Likewise, I have no desire to put those judgments on others. What is best for me may not be best for you, and vice versa. I love openly and sometimes recklessly because love is unchained, immeasurable and free. Because of the way I love, I know my loved ones know I love them.

I no longer need to hold on to people who don't appreciate or want me in their lives because none of us needs to suffer. Keeping such people in my life is abusive to me and to them. I will free us both from punishment for whatever we subconsciously feel we need to be punished.

Finally, I have lost my forgetfulness of the blessings I have in my life. There are many and they should get my focus, because although certain loved ones have moved forward and are no longer physically here, they have remained in my mind, spirit and heart. So my meditation is no longer on loss, but on what I have gained from these beautiful souls. More love, more life.

After Winter Must Come Spring

With winter only seven days away (though freezing temperatures lately suggests it's already here!) I recall the symbolism the season evokes. The cheerful sun seems to be taken captive by the uncertainty of grey clouds and the biting chill in the air forces us to seek shelter and warmth. Harsh times are always synonymous with winter; worthy of retreat, a time to take cover.

I'm reminded of John Steinbeck's The Winter of Our Discontent, a story about a man of honesty and integrity who makes questionable choices in order to regain his lost fortune and standing in his community. When faced with our personal winters, when we feel the need to run for cover, hibernate, or find alternative means to guard us from the cold harsh storms of our lives, certain choices present themselves which if taken, can cost us dearly.

Our fight or flight instincts kick in as we go into survival mode. Degrees of survival techniques can range from stashing away cash for a rainy day to stomaching a travelling companion's thigh (ok a little dramatic). What's key is to recognize which situations call for which techniques. When our lives seem to spin on their axes away from the sun bringing the colder sides of reality to the forefront, it can appear to be a crisis of grand proportions. We are tempted to make choices we otherwise would not. Our thoughts zoom in on our own personal survival, and consequences may take a back seat.

It is always wise to take a moment or two to assess the situation and weigh the consequences of each choice, and we always have choices. Making rash, potentially selfish or detrimental decisions during our "winter of discontent," could leave us in worse condition than when we started. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems and change always comes.

As life evolves with the seasons, the world can be a cold place that chills us to the bone, and our hearts, if we let it. What we must remember is that the world keeps on spinning, changes continue to occur and after winter comes spring. So we can flee to warmer climates, chop our houses down and use them for firewood, or we can use every resource from thermal underwear to earmuffs to keep us warm until spring returns. Just remember, spring will return.

On the Matter of Living Freely

 Lessons unlearned have a way of repeating themselves until you learn them. It's the universe's nice little self-paced course in navigating life. One lesson I am finally beginning to learn is that others' opinion of me is of no consequence to the forwarding of my progress. Don't get me wrong, it is beneficial to have a good name, but that is achieved by good deeds. What others say or think about you is, however, subjective and therefore unreliable.

No matter how hard I have tried in the past to please others and be seen as good, honest, loving, and sincere, I have often missed the mark. My tendency is to work harder on myself believing this phenomena must be my fault. But I am realizing that the harder I try, the more people expect from me. It's as though good isn't great and therefore good seems bad. So the trick is to push forward knowing who I am and what I am capable of regardless of the criticism or the accolades.

Yes, praise is also unreliable. There may be an agenda behind them, strings attached, or momentary euphoria that will dissipate. Allow the good feeling that comes with compliments to strengthen your resolve, but do not rely on them as an accurate assessment of how one feels about you. Acknowledge your strengths and build upon them.

Criticism can break your stride, your heart, and your spirit...if you allow it to do so. Often criticism, even "constructive" criticism is based on someone else's ideals, past hurts, lack of full knowledge of you, jealousy, or an inaccurate assessment of the situation. Intention is often ignored and the whole of a person and their deeds overlooked. How often have the fifty "good" things you have said or done been erased by the one "bad" thing you say or do? I put good and bad in quotes because those definitions are subject to interpretation in any given circumstance.

So personally, the key to living freely is not giving weight to either praise or reproof. Know thyself, who you truly are at the core, your intentions, your thoughts,your capabilities, and your worth. This is not to say that one should not reflect on his/her own behavior. We should constantly turn the mirror on ourselves...especially in regards to how we view others. Our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. With regards to praise and criticism, it is sometimes not what we say but how we say it. Since what we see is a reflection of who we are, perhaps the phrasing "what you said/did made me feel ____"  is an appropriate expression to use. True freedom comes from within, not from others.