"For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven"

I believe that at some point in every one's life, we reach an age where we are ready to receive (or remember) some vital knowledge about how to best maneuver through life. That age is different for everyone depending on his/her experiences, knowledge and willingness to receive said knowledge. Willingness is important because often times we might have to do things differently and think differently, which can be a challenge. Some people never open themselves up to receive this "awakening" because change can be difficult. But I believe we all reach that door.

For the last few months, I've been receiving this transmission. It's funny because for the last five years I thought I was already receiving and figuring things out. But apparently, that was just prep time. I was merely connecting the receiver. I'm sure that I'm receiving now because of the contentment that has washed over me even when things that used to send me spiraling into anger, fear or sadness occur. I feel more grounded.

What the heck am I talking about, right? Well, since January, I've been focusing on me; not in a selfish way, but in a calculated purpose driven way. You see, I'm a giver, a people pleaser, a mediator. In the past, being these things meant putting my own needs and desires on the back burner. It also meant feeling sorry for myself, blaming others for my lack, unhappiness, and feelings, both good and bad. Now that I am focusing on myself, I have a different perspective about everything.

It began with my determination to bring more stability to my life both financially and emotionally. At work, I stopped relying on only what came naturally to obtain moderate success and decided to push myself to do things I subconsciously feared I couldn't do to achieve maximum success. I'm not just speaking of financial success (although that is included) but also doing the work that I now accept as my talent in a way that has maximum benefit for those I serve. I know that if I show enough belief in myself and ideas, others will have belief in me too.

This required digging deep and figuring out why I dismiss great ideas and try not to over extend myself. There was only one answer: FEAR. In my personal life, I have had no problem over extending myself or putting my ideas out there for all to judge. But I was often met with rejection, disappointment, and regret (I hate that word). I began to understand that it wasn't any one's fault but my own that I allowed others opinions and actions to dictate how I proceed with my life.

Just because someone may think that I am unworthy, for whatever reasons, doesn't mean that I am. Believing them is blaming them for my fear and takes the focus off of the part I play in my own life. I would get upset because people didn't see the me that I know that I am. But they didn't see me because I didn't let them. Now, some of those people have a view of me that is not me at all. There are people, however, who when I meet them see something special in me, and they show me to myself. Sometimes the people who "know" you the longest or "know" a lot of things about you, don't really know you at all.

I accepted these views of me and stopped dead in my tracks thinking I needed to "fix" myself. The truth is, I blamed others for making me feel that I couldn't do or be who I already am. By focusing on myself, I take criticism as feedback, and if I find it to be false, I mentally feed it back to where it came from. I finally see that people have their own stuff going on and some of it can spill on me during daily interactions. It's not their fault for not seeing it, but it's not mine either...anymore.

I've essentially turned the mirror inward to see myself more clearly and to reflect my inner light back on myself as a reminder of who I really am. I push myself past my comfort zone, I let go of old habits and desires, and I take each moment as it comes. Now I'm not all "life is a bowl of cherries" positive all of the time. I accept my negative feelings when they happen. But I live in the "moment" and a moment is a very short time. I have read that a moment is roughly 90 seconds, so I try not to dwell in those negative feelings too much past that amount of time. I am content with my life as it is because I know I am now doing my very best and what it yields is what it yields. 

I am hopeful without being unrealistic, yet I have not lost my altruism (a trait of mine that many have called naivete). I am introspective in a more constructive way. Instead of focusing on what I did wrong, I focus on what I can do better next time. I am forgiving in a more useful way. Instead of thinking the person had a bad moment, I understand that there are issues that person has to work out and the offense may occur again until they do. I just have to decide if I want to deal with it again.

When all is said and done, I guess this point in my life where I am receiving these insights means I am maturing again. I think we mature in stages rather that all at once. Wisdom comes with readiness rather than age. I liken it to a pitcher in baseball. He has a number of pitches in his arsenal, but he doesn't bring his best pitch until the time is right.

2014 Wrap Up: Lessons

This time of year I always reflect on the preceding months and mostly give thanks that I'm still here, but also take note of the lessons I've learned. It's always good to take inventory of your lessons and store them in a place in your brain where you can easily access them...lest you forget.

I spent the greater part of 2014 in a deep depression, It has been a strange roller coaster ride that began in a deep pit at the end of 2013 with a slow climb throughout 2014. I was hurt, grieving, heartbroken, financially weakened, taken for granted, and lonely. I lost friendships, became very ill,saw one of my idols pass,witnessed great tragedies world wide, and saw the beginning of a great movement (or two).

Despite all of this, I've learned great lessons and I am on the upside of this climb.One of the most important things I learned was that I do not want to waste anymore time or energy on things or people that do not uplift me either mentally, spiritually or emotionally. The phrase "Thinking of yourself is not selfish, not thinking of others is" kept popping up on social media. It reminds me of an analogy from air travel that I always use. Life is like the flight attendant says, 'put your mask on first before helping others.' How can you help someone else in need if your own safety is in jeopardy?

The real lesson, well, more like a revelation, came to me after I began a new job. Out of the blue, I suddenly learned acceptance. I had been struggling with life like someone trying to walk against a strong wind. I kept pushing against it trying to force my way down a path that clearly wasn't meant for me. I've struggled to "fit in," be heard as someone with something worth hearing or seen as someone who is beautiful and worth knowing. I've struggled with acquiring a life that I was told I should have and thought I wanted, and maybe I do want but I certainly can live happily another way. But it was as if the hand of God or the universe stopped me in my tracks, turned me around and told me to go with the wind.

We grow up hearing that we need to do this, then that, then find this to live happily ever after. We're fed fairy tales to illustrate how life is supposed to go (and it never does) and we buy into it, But maybe we don't all fill our cups with the same stuff, i.e., great wealth, a beautiful spouse and lovely children. Maybe some of us fill our cups with adventures to exciting places, friends from varying backgrounds, or brief but extraordinary love affairs. Perhaps our cups are meant to be filled with a substance made especially for us.

So, I've stopped pushing against the wind. I no longer strive to get people to love me or even like me. I can fully be who I am because who I am is good enough...or even better! I have opened my eyes to see all of those people who do see and hear me and love what they see and hear. I admit at first I thought it was apathy, which I did not want. Then I realized that it wasn't that I didn't care, I was just ok with what other people are able to give.  People don't always intentionally withhold kindness, attention, or love. Sometimes they are just giving the best they have at that time. I can't ask for more than that.

I'm grateful for this epiphany because it means that I don't have to change who I am and give less love, in order to protect myself from harm. By accepting people (myself included) and situations that I can't change, as they are, I can let go of expectations and the desire for more from them. More can be gotten in many places to fill my cup...and I intend to fill it. May your cup runneth over in 2015.

Tell the Children the Truth

I've waited to make this post, waited until I had something thoughtful and/or compelling to say about the events and the reactions to them that are occurring in the U.S. I am, of course referring to the two grand jury decisions to not indict the murderers of Michael Brown and Eric Garner. I still haven't formulated the perfect thought, mostly because my brain is in a haze and my emotions are swirling like a funnel cloud.I've read many articles that better articulate what I would like to say, but there are some points that haven't been mentioned. 

I work around black children, men and women in an educational situation daily. I see young black boys dutifully doing their homework with hopes of a promising future, loving parents checking in on their behavior when they pick them up, and intelligent caring men organizing activities that will shape young minds. What I don't see or rather hear is a discussion about racism in America, police violence or the protests that have followed.

Any educational institution that is not ensuring that its students are informed, having thoughtful conversations, or at the very least have a safe, positive forum in which to express themselves is doing the students, this country, and our future a huge disservice. Anyone who cannot see that this country is at a crossroads, a critical juncture not seen in this country since the civil rights era, is seriously deluded or has his/her head in the sand.

We are in the midst of another big civil rights movement. Civil rights movements are occurring all of the time, but this one is on a grander scale, like the one that happened in the 50's and 60's. The difference this time is that Americans of all races are deeply entrenched in the fight, and they have support from all over the world. This is no longer a black issue, it is a human rights issue.

Young people, hopefully, have much more of the future in front of them and should therefore have their eyes open as they witness this shift. They should have a say and be informed enough to express themselves. Humans never want to upset children with the truth. They've invented Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy and a slew of Disney characters in order to delay reality for as long as possible. Perhaps we should stop looking at reality as a negative. 

Telling the children the truth about what's going on in America right now is an opportunity to teach compassion, foster empathy, and enable them to begin to think critically. It will also, of course, prepare them.  The thought that stays in the forefront of my mind is that too many people are unable to put themselves in another's shoes and imagine their pain. This,in turn, inhibits compassion. What will become of this world without compassion? The only thing I can see happening is a complete disregard for life...hmmm, seems like we're there.

Bring the children in on this conversation because this is happening to them too. This is their past, present, and future. I'm telling you I have talked to some thoughtful youth who could teach us all a great deal. Tell the children the truth.

Tis the Season?

When I was a little girl, I used to wake up on Christmas morning and whisper "happy birthday Jesus," because I thought Christmas day was a celebration of Christ's birth. The night before, was at church playing Mary in the nativity play or (ridiculously) dressed in a beenie with matching scarf and gloves...in L.A., singing Christmas carols. Those are the memories that first come to mind when I think of  Christmas during my childhood. Of course I remember waking up to tons of presents and getting most of what I asked for and then some too! But as I got older (and realized my family's financial state) I didn't need so many things. Now I don't celebrate at all.

Yesterday I saw on the news how in one mall, a woman dressed like, Mrs. Claus I guess, was asking people to name all of Santa's reindeer for a coupon. Many people were able to do so. I thought to myself, 'I wonder if they can name all of the Apostles.' They then cut to scenes from a store where people were literally trampling over one another...just to get in the store...and fighting over big screen tvs. Wow, is this Christmas?

Some say the idea of gift giving during Christmas came from the Magi bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to the baby Jesus. Seems like we should be giving gifts to Jesus since it's his day. How would Christians give gifts to Jesus in 2014?

Well, in the bible Matthew 25: 35-36 Jesus says
'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and            you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36 I was naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.'
And he continues in verse 40 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

So, Jesus has told you what to get him for Christmas...help those in need....and no one NEEDS a 60" tv. If you can't manage that, why not at least focus on spending time with loved ones without worrying about spending a bunch of money on elaborate gifts AND dinner. The amount of food people buy for one meal could feed a small family for 2 weeks...why not do that for someone in need. Remember the "reason for the season."

It's Hard, but It's Fair

"It's hard, but it's fair." That's something an ex of mine used to say. People would always get a little perturbed because they couldn't understand how something that was hard could also be fair. I admit I couldn't see it myself for a while, but years after we broke up, his meaning, at least what I gleaned from the statement, is becoming a little clearer. What's fair is not always easy, especially if fairness considers the greater good.

I think that sometimes in life, if we want what we think is fair, what we believe we deserve, we have to make some hard choices. Some things cannot exist in the same space. For example, if we want to be healthy, we may have to give up unhealthy habits such as junk food, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. A healthy body often cannot exist in the same space as certain bad habits. In other words, sometimes in order to get what we desire, we have to get out of our own way.

If you desire something or some situation in your life, it may be necessary to make room for it. If we are unable or unwilling to do this, yet we still make supplications to the Universe or a higher power, the Universe/higher power will do it for us. We are creators, but I think we are more like the architects who come up with the design, how we envision our lives, but the Universe/higher power takes care of the building..how the design comes together. 

If in order to build our desires, we must first tear down some realities, the Universe/higher power will send us "memos" or signs to do so. But make no mistake, if we fail to comply, the builders will procede with demolition because they want us to have what we desire. This may mean dismantling relationships, jobs, living situations, etc. in order to replace them with what we have ordered. If you desire to be happy, perhaps the Universe/higher power knows that happiness and your current mate, friend, job, etc. cannot exist in the same space.

It's a little easier if we take heed to the memos and take to clearing a way on our own. The best ways I can think of to do this is to take stock of your life often and listen to your intuition. Here's some tips:

Reveiw your current relationships/friendships/situations

1. Are your relationships balanced?
    a. Are you giving more than you receive be it material things, emotionally, energy wise?
    b. Do you find yourself giving more chances than you get? Is forgiveness followed by changed behavior,          or are the offenses repeated?
2. Do you feel the same about the person, job, home, etc. as you did in the beginning?
     a. Are you staying because it is comfortable, safe, or familiar?
     b. Does the person or people involved feel the same about you?
     c. Are you drained or energized by your interactions?
3. Are you growing, becoming stagnant, or regressing?
     
When we envision the things or people that we believe will make us happy, we only have our own knowledge and experience to go on. But the Universe/higher power has EVERYTHING/EVERYONE to go on. The builders may know of materials that will better give us our desired outcome than what we ordered. 

Understanding this, I now understand the phrase "It's hard, but it's fair." Letting go of people, things, or situations can be hard, but it may be necessary in order to make room for what we truly desire..and that's fair, isn't it?

Climbing Out of the Pit of Depression: A Personal Story

Beloved readers, this post is much more personal than my usual posts. I am finally finding the courage to share something that I've been going through in the hopes that it will help someone else. I always try to write the pain out, but in this blog, I tend to hold back. I always try to be positive and/or solution oriented here, but I have struggled to do both or either, so I redacted a great deal. People expect me to be positive and so I try to acquiesce. But now that I am on the tail end of this trying time, I have a bit more perspective.

For the past nine months I have been going through a severe depression. It began with a loss of a close loved one and spiraled from there. I now realize that a great deal of that came from a severe vitamin D deficiency (being vegan puts me at an even greater risk-check your levels fellow vegans!) That may explain why I couldn't really verbalize exactly why I was so sad. I did, by the way, tell a few friends that I was depressed, but that's when I realized that most people don't know how to help a person in this situation.

Yes, I thought of seeking professional help, and still may, but I've always believed that loved ones could easily do what psychologists get paid to do. I also did not want someone giving me a "magic pill" to mask the issue, not to mention that seeing a therapist of any sort is taboo in the African American culture. I knew I wasn't suicidal, so I figured I'd power through it. It's interesting, when one is depressed but not suicidal, people seem to expect you to just choose to be happy.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have various different tools to reconnect with my joy or to get through trials. I employed them all and even found new ones. I could usually get a few hours of reprieve from the sadness, but it would return. Even music became a temporary fix. I am a gregarious person. Even though I can be shy in some social situations, I'd much rather be in the company of others during these times than alone. Even if I'm just observing, I am able to soak up positive and happy vibes and feel better. It works the other way too, of course. If I am around negative energy of any sort, those emotions attach themselves to me.

After Robin Williams committed suicide, I was struck with such a fear for those out there who were going through what I, and apparently Robin Williams, had been going through and were struggling to find a stronghold. At that time, however, I did not have the strength or the answers to give in order to help. I'm still not sure I have the answers for those struggling. I do have advice for those of you who may have loved ones who are suffering:

1. Check on people regularly and delve deeper into answers like I'm "fine," "ok," "alright," and even "good." Ask them specific questions about what's going on with them. "Good" just may mean better than yesterday which was horrible. Or, maybe they are just trying not to be a "downer."

2. Take the time to spend some time. Even if the person chooses not to speak about what's bothering them (they may not always have an answer) time spent in the company of others remembering the simple joys of life can take them away, if only for a short time, from their depression.

3. Be kind to everyone. I'm sure you've seen many memes that talk about how you never know what a person is going through, and it's true. Everyone we encounter has things going on in their lives we know nothing about. If we are mindful to be kind and gentle with one another, we may make some one's day a little easier to get through.

4. DO NOT CHASTISE THEM FOR FEELING SAD-You may not even think of yourself as chastising when you tell them that they should try being grateful for what they have. I've learned from experience that you can be grateful for all the things and people in your life and still not be able to shake the sadness. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You can want and try to be happy but still feel sadness sitting in the pit of your stomach like a lump of coal. 

5. Don't wash over their feelings like they are just having a bad day. A bad day for you may be things not going well at work. Sometimes a "bad day" from a depressed person is not being able to smile through the pain that has been going on for months.  

6. Don't call them selfish. Yes, they are thinking only of themselves, but when you are in this state, selfishness becomes a biological imperative. 

For those of you who may be struggling with depression, I implore you to reach out to someone, anyone, even a stranger, and express your sadness. Sometimes being able to just get it out in the open makes you feel lighter. Find your tools, things that bring you joy, and use them often...even if they are only temporary fixes. It's good to be able to remember how to be happy and that you can be happy.

We need to be gentle with each other. We need to be mindful of each other's lives. Robin Williams showed us that even a person who can make so many others' lives happier need the same in return. Lastly, hug each other.  It's been proven that hugs can change your biology and your psychology.Give good, strong hugs that convey love and care. I am grateful to be on my way out of this dark time. I ask forgiveness from those who may not have gotten my best. I ask for patience from you as I climb back into the seat of happiness and reflect the light. I send love and strength to those of you still in pit of it. I'm here for you.

 

 

Wisdom From A Dream

Last night I had a powerful dream. I was in the desert at night sitting around a campfire with a group of people whose faces I didn't see but I knew I knew them. There was a Native American elder telling stories. The first story he told was of a man who spent his life searching for gold. One day he came upon a cave with several chests. One chest stood out because it had a golden sheen. He went to open it but it was locked, so he took out his tools and spent many hours attempting to unlock it. 

Meanwhile, the chest next to it which was made of splintering wood and had rusted hinges was unlocked. Inside it was diamonds, pearls, and rubies of tremendous value. But the man overlooked that chest and went about trying to unlock the other. As night fell, the man grew tired and decided to rest. When leaned against the wall, he noticed that the chest he had been working on was actually made of mirrored glass that had been reflecting the sun peering through and opening in the roof of the cave. He took a stone and smashed the chest open only to find that it was empty. Dejected, the man left the cave and continued his search...leaving the unnoticed chest full of jewels behind.

The elder said, "The treasure you seek may be disguised but it is not hidden. You must open every chest to get to the heart of the matter." Then he instructed us to look into the fire and he tossed a stick into it and said, "See how the fire burns stronger with just a little fuel? But the flame must be fed."

He continued with another story about a man who travelled the world seeking wisdom. He visited all of the known spiritual masters for counsel, but they all told him the same thing, "The wisdom you seek is already within you." The man was dissatisfied with this answer and continually replied, "If the wisdom was within me, I would not have travelled all of these miles seeking it!" The man became weary on his journey and sat on the side of a road under a tree weeping when another traveler came upon him. The traveler asked the man, "Why are you so sad dear friend?" The man replied, " I have travelled many miles the whole world around seeking wisdom from all of the great masters but none can tell me anything except 'the wisdom you seek is within you.' Can they not see I am not wise?" The traveller replied, of course they can because they know that  one who possesses much wisdom has it in the heart, not on the lips and one head does not contain all the wisdom. Listen to your heart."

The Native elder then said,"Our first teacher is our own heart." Then he instructed us to look into the fire again and said, "See how the twigs burn but the rocks beneath it absorb the fire and retain the heat. We must not be the fuel for the fire, but allow the fire to grow hot within us."

The final story he told I had already heard, then again it was my dream. He told the story of a man who heard the voice of God speak to him. The voice said, "See the large bolder at the bottom of that hill? Go and push it." The man was a spiritual and faithful servant and so he did as he was told by the Great Spirit. Everyday for months the man push the bolder all day making little progress. His muscles ached but grew, and his skin, bathed in daily sun, became tough and leathery. One day, exasperated, the man cried out, "Oh Great Spirit, I honor You, I have tried to do what you asked but I am not strong enough to push this bolder up that hill. Why have You given me such an impossible task?" Then the Great Spirit replied, "My son, you are a loyal servant and you have indeed done all I asked. I never asked you to push the bolder up the hill, I only asked you to push it! Look at how your muscles have grown and how much more power you have! See how tough your skin is because of the sun baking it daily! You are now strong enough for what is to come."

The elder then said to us, "Not every task will yield the results you expect, but you will grow stronger for it." He instructed us one last time to look into the fire. "Is the fire hot enough? How will you test it? Will you put your hand in it? Surely it is hot enough to burn your skin." Then he threw another small stick into the fire and said, "It is not your job to judge how hot the fire is. It is only your job to feed it. The fire will be hot enough...it is fire! Your only job is to keep it burning."

I woke up and wrote down all I had remembered because this was a rare and powerful dream. I think I have learned the lessons within it, but if I forget, I have it writing now! I know for sure that I must keep the fire burning by feeding it. I think the fire is passion and the fuel or wood can be many things; family, friends, love, music, knowledge, wisdom. I feel like my Father The Mighty King was speaking directly to me...just when I needed it. I hope this helps you too.