I've been trying earnestly to figure out what it is about me that can be so off putting. I really have. When I'm negative, people don't like it. When I'm too positive people hate it. So I've tried to have balance. But I'm thinking now that it's not at all about balance when it comes to me. Perhaps, it's about silence...and solitude. I think I want and need too much out of life. I could deconstruct and analyze my past to justify these wants and needs, but it doesn't matter. One should be grateful for all of the blessings he/she has in life and know that it isn't necessary to want or need anything.
I've tried very hard to be in this state of mind, and I have been to some extent. But want and need creep back. Maybe it's the human condition in this world that tells you that what you have and who you are is not enough and we continually try to create happiness from external things. I can reclaim my joy at any moment because I know The One who is always with me, who always provides me with everything I need. But I'm in this place right now and I need to feel it before I find the cause and rid myself of it. So I'm feeling it. Yes, I have feelings, contrary to popular belief. There are those who think that unkind words and deeds, or no words and deeds at all, roll off of me like water off a duck's back. I've tried to surreptitiously convey that in some of my blog posts, but of course, those people don't read my blog.
Solitude is such an unwanted condition. We associate it with loneliness, ostracization, and rejection. But we come into this world alone. Even if you are part of a multiple birth, you have your own mind and soul. You alone think your thoughts and feel your feelings. And we leave here alone as well. I know I always have the Most High with me so I will never really be alone. I will just be one. I'd much rather keep to myself than to allow my vulnerability to become a salted open wound. Solitude can be a blessing. It can allow one the opportunity to go deep within, reflect, and heal.
So what does this solitude mean? For me, it will mean distance. This is not where I wanted to be in life, nor is it where I thought I would ever be. I've always been a person who loves people. I love meeting new people from different backgrounds with different interests from whom I can learn and grow. But I think this isolation I have been in for the past year has made me too eager, too much. But I can only be who I am at this time. I have music and wonderful memories to keep me company. Please forgive me for not being positive today. It is a daily effort and sometimes I fail. I will take some down time to regroup and try it again another day. I sincerely wish you love and light.
I've tried very hard to be in this state of mind, and I have been to some extent. But want and need creep back. Maybe it's the human condition in this world that tells you that what you have and who you are is not enough and we continually try to create happiness from external things. I can reclaim my joy at any moment because I know The One who is always with me, who always provides me with everything I need. But I'm in this place right now and I need to feel it before I find the cause and rid myself of it. So I'm feeling it. Yes, I have feelings, contrary to popular belief. There are those who think that unkind words and deeds, or no words and deeds at all, roll off of me like water off a duck's back. I've tried to surreptitiously convey that in some of my blog posts, but of course, those people don't read my blog.
Solitude is such an unwanted condition. We associate it with loneliness, ostracization, and rejection. But we come into this world alone. Even if you are part of a multiple birth, you have your own mind and soul. You alone think your thoughts and feel your feelings. And we leave here alone as well. I know I always have the Most High with me so I will never really be alone. I will just be one. I'd much rather keep to myself than to allow my vulnerability to become a salted open wound. Solitude can be a blessing. It can allow one the opportunity to go deep within, reflect, and heal.
So what does this solitude mean? For me, it will mean distance. This is not where I wanted to be in life, nor is it where I thought I would ever be. I've always been a person who loves people. I love meeting new people from different backgrounds with different interests from whom I can learn and grow. But I think this isolation I have been in for the past year has made me too eager, too much. But I can only be who I am at this time. I have music and wonderful memories to keep me company. Please forgive me for not being positive today. It is a daily effort and sometimes I fail. I will take some down time to regroup and try it again another day. I sincerely wish you love and light.
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