Joy

Joy is a blessing because it is permanent. Unlike happiness which requires specific events or things to occur and thus is fleeting, joy remains because it is rooted in something that cannot be moved; truth. Whatever the truth is for you, if your faith in it carries you through the trials and tribulations, you will experience joy. My truth is my Father the Mighty King, my ancestry, my roots, knowledge of self. Regardless of what is transpiring in my daily life, my truth always leads me back to joy.

Don't misinterpret this to mean that you will always feel joy, but it is always present. This is a comfort to me because I have gotten into the habit of reminding myself that I have joy so that I can feel it once again when those miscreant intruders try to steal it. You know me, I'll just throw in one of my favorite Cd's and sing and dance my way back into joy. Writing is also a joy to me, although I am beginning to think I am not that good at it. I mean I know I can write a good sentence, but really good writing is compelling and elicits response. Then again, I am only beginning to put real focus on my writing, so that may change. Nevertheless, it brings me joy.

I guess I am writing about joy today because sometimes I feel schizophrenic. How can I feel betrayed, hurt, and angry, one minute, and elated the next? But I have so conditioned my mind to find joy in all the little things that it goes into autopilot in those situations. Once the youth arrive to my program, I am thrown back into my own childhood, which was filled with joy. When that Groundation song comes on that reminds me that "We are not the losing hand" I remember the legacy handed down to me by my Father the Mighty King.
I am thankful for all the little joys because stacked together they stand taller and stronger than the biggest tribulation.

What brings you joy? If you don't know, you need to research it. Happy feelings are wonderful, but they fade. Once the party's over, and you're back to your regular life, what will sustain you? Children are a joy, family is joy, life is joy. Bathe yourself in joy, let it soak into your pores, drink it and let it into your bloodstream, chant it into your brain and spirit so that it will never leave you. I may not always be happy, but I will always have joy. Be in joy.

Family

I was going to stop this blog, but there were a couple of loyal readers who asked me not to, so this is for you, even if no one else reads. Today I'm rambling about family. No matter how much they can aggravate us, in the end, family loves us. Yesterday I was lamenting over not having any friends with whom I could hang out, knowing they truly enjoyed my company. Today, family was in town and was not only excited, but anxious to see me. Even the new people I met enjoyed engaging me in conversation. This made me remember something I had read before, "everyone is not going to like you, it's not their job to like you."  So although I still wonder why some people to whom I've never done one bad thing, still don't like me, I can accept that fact and move forward.

Shared experiences, memories, and love is what makes people family. DNA helps, but isn't necessary. We are all family in the greater universal sense of the word, but  for me, there are certain experiences that can make anyone family to me. If I can be myself around you without fear of judgement, you have become family to me. If I can tell you about yourself, with love, and you harbor no grudges and we carry on without animosity, you are my family. If you are sincerely happy for my happiness, you are family.  That's not easy to find, even when you share DNA. But I've found it in my family, and some of those members are not biologically related.

I often want to do away with the whole "friend" title. It either says too little or too much about the people to whom I'm referring. Some are family, others are acquaintances, while still others are frenemies (say they're your friend but act like your enemy). Those who know me often hear me referring to people as my "sistren" or "bredren". I prefer that. My family has always had many extensions. It was my grandmother's influence. No one ever went without a roof or full belly if my grandmother knew they were in need. The beautiful thing is that no one ever took advantage of her, or took her for granted. It feels good to be a part of a family, even if you are not related.

I give thanks to my Father the Mighty King, for putting people in my life who genuinely love and care about me. It is good when people make time in their schedules for you, it is even better when they don't have to check their schedules to do it. That is what family does. They miss you when you're gone, celebrate when you're happy, and cry when you cry. I love my family, even the ones who don't read my blog (smile).

Insecurities

What is beauty? I once did an image search for beauty and all of the pictures were of people, and none of them looked like me. Does that mean I am not beautiful? If I had a dime for every time a friend told me "you have a pretty face, if you would just lose some weight, you'd have it going on," I wouldn't have to work anymore. Don't you love "compliments" like that. It's like giving someone a beautifully wrapped box of shit.

We are bombarded with images these days, so much so that people don't read anymore. They just look at the pictures. These images in magazines, television, movies and videos are setting the standard for beauty, and have been for a very long time. The problem is, the standard does not include a great majority of the world's population. People of African, Latino, Native and Asian decent are represented in lighter hues with more European features. In cultures around the world, for centuries, there has been the belief that lighter is better. So non Europeans have been bleaching their skin, dying and straightening their hair, and having surgeries to meet this standard of "beauty." The biggest joke here in the U.S. is how the media promotes thinness as beauty, with commercials for super sized meals and weight loss products in between. I promise you McDonalds and Bally's struck a deal with each other a long time ago. So here we are, unwitting pawns in the game called the "American Dream" not realizing we can never win.

I have noticed that even ones who claim to be of a "higher more evolved consciousness" fall prey to this propaganda. I hear them say that true beauty comes from within, but I see them ogle and applaud that same standard of beauty. I have been rejected by some men who claim they want a strong, intelligent, conscious sista, only to see them with thin, Euro centric dimwits. This contradiction is confusing. I remember when I was in college, two friends and I went to a club. I hated clubs. We were sitting at a table and two men came and asked if they could join us. They engaged us in conversation which was surprisingly intelligent and witty. My friends weren't interested in talking so I laughed and spoke with the gentlemen and began to have a nice time. Then a popular song came on and they asked my friends to dance and I was left sitting there holding purses. Like I said, I hated clubs. Years later, the TV producer I was working for gave me some insight on the male psyche. He said, "Most men like their women pretty and dumb. Pretty and smart women are intimidating to us, so you're going to have a hard time finding a man." I didn't know until now that he was psychic.

I, like many other women have struggled with body image all of my life. Janet Jackson even wrote a book* about her struggle. Yes, even Janet Jackson has had to deal with this issue. People always say one shouldn't define themselves by what others think of them, but that advice is much easier to agree with than to follow. I remember when I was a child, my brother used to tease me about my weight. Playing the dozens it was called. I think he only did it to get laughs from his friends, because he never did it when it was just the two of us. But from age 11 until today, I have never felt beautiful. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can kill the spirit. I have good days and bad days. Some days I feel fierce, other days I don't even want to leave the house and subject the world to my hideousness.

I know you're asking, "why won't you just lose the weight?" Well, in the last three years, I have lost around 80 pounds, with much more to go. It's a lot easier to put on than to take off. I finally stopped medicating myself with food (except of course for herbs and other actual healing foods). I replaced it with smoking at one point, then my mother got breast cancer and I stopped that. Shopping then became my drug. When I moved, I gave away tons of shoes and clothes that I never wore. I can't afford shopping therapy these days, so I write. It's healthier, however, not being read is a downer. But I digress. Most of the work I have done on myself was about becoming a better person inside, healing and nourishing my spirit. But the mind, body, spirit connection is strong and I know I have to increase my work on the mind and body.

What I would really like to know is, what is the worse thing that could happen to you if you allow yourself to be in love with someone who doesn't fit society's standard of beauty? How long will we allow ourselves to be pawns in this game? African women since creation have had wider hips, fuller breasts, plumper backsides, and ample thighs. In Africa today, a woman who is about to get married is taken into a hut for a period of time and fed only milk, and isn't allowed to move, except to relieve herself, until she fattens up. It is a sign of beauty and prosperity. And people wonder why I want to go back to Africa. Well, I'm going to try window shopping therapy today, avert your eyes world, here I come.

*"True You" by Janet Jackson

Friends, how many of us have them?

I wrote a while back about how much easier it was to make friends as a youth. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Moving to a new city has many challenges, not the least of which is making new friends, especially when you don't know many people. It was so much easier when I was in school, so easy I didn't even worry when I went to a new school, or appreciate it. That is a time when we learn how to do things in life. We learn social graces, how to share, teamwork, how to read people, how to make friends. The problem is, how we make friends changes as an adult. I wonder, does it have to?

I remember when I first went to head start everyone in my class was my friend. We played together, ate together, went on field trips together. When I had a birthday party, the entire class was there. I don't remember, however, any formal introductions or efforts to become friends. I think we were all dropped off by our parents at this place where we could play. That's how children become friends. They all want to play, and if you're not mean, we play together everyday, which made us friends. As we get a little older, we become a little more diserning about who was in our "clique," but at my school, which was K-8, those of us who started kindergarten together remained friends through eighth grade. Some new kids came in the 5th or 6th grade who were ushered right into the group too. I always tried to be friends with everyone, or at least kind to them. I guess I knew then how lonely friendlessness could be.

High school was much more "cliquey", especially at an all girls school. But there was still something about being in the same class that brought a certain solidarity, that to this day remains. I am connected on one of those social networking sites with classmates from high school whom I didn't hang out with much, but had enough interaction with to call  friends. I think schools, if they are wise, facilitate activities and situations where students can make friends. Even when you have your core group of friends, you engage in extracurricular activities like sports, student government, or drama club, which then adds a sub-group of friends. One of my closest friends today was not someone I hung out with at school  at all. We didn't even have classes together. I met her on the bus and found out she lived up the street from me. I was only on the bus to go to school.

College was much of the same in that it was a situation that facilitated building friendships. I was more nervous about doing well in the classes than making friends. A school with 30k plus students living with or near each other spending hours studying, partying, and having new experiences together is the perfect scenario for making lifelong friends, or even finding a spouse. Our formative years are one big friend making fest. So why is it that once we leave school, it is so much harder to make friends? We seem to become solitary beings with invisible shields to keep everyone out of our world. You need a secret password just to get in. Even if you go back to school, it's not the same. Adult learners are there to learn in order to better their situations, no time for socializing.

Here I am in a new city, well, new for the second time because I went to school a few cities over, and I am challenged to make friends. I am not in school where I can bond with others in the same situation. I can't just go to the jungle gym and start playing with other adults. People are wrapped up in their lives trying to make business deals, tend to their children or spouses, and navigate everyday life. When you have children it seems to be easier as you bond with other parents during playdates. But how do you make friends as a single adult? I find myself on those social pages "friending" people who live near me and trying to find common interests. But once I do, then what? These days, I find I have to "woo" friends like I would a lover. If the person is male, I have to be careful that I don't give him the impression that I'm interested in dating him, unless I am. I guess men and women can't become friends unless they are co-workers once you leave college. I have met some people online who I wouldn't mind hanging out with, but I don't know if they feel the same, and do I ask if they want to hang out?

I'm always saying that we are all connected. How did this disconnected feeling creep in once I left school? I have friends back home, and we stay in touch. I am currently 400 miles away from home, however, and I crave stimulating conversation, shared experiences, and companionship. I don't think making friends has to be as difficult as adults make it. Watch children. When there is more than one of them, they gravitate towards each other. They are still able to feel the connection. They don't even introduce themselves, they just get to interacting. I find myself creating strategies for making friends because it is vital in order for me to thrive in my new environment.   I am longing for the playground right now.

The Autobiography of YOU

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend yesterday and he said, "We are are writing our own books with the lives we live right now." I love that! Of course as someone who loves to write and who loves books, I would love it. It made me wonder, what if we knew from birth that at some point we would have to write our own book about our lives. We would then have the opportunity to live the lives we want portrayed in that book. What type of character would you be? A hero? A villain? Would have the courage to do the things you are afraid to do now?

I like to observe people, their habits and speech. I watch how they behave in different situations. Have you ever been around a female when she's on the phone and can automatically tell she's talking to a male that's she's probably interested in? Her voice gets light and flirty and she laughs with a girly laugh. Working with youth, I always chuckle a little to myself when I am talking to a parent with their child present and the child becomes the most respectful and mannerable child alive, when five minutes earlier they were talking back and throwing food. People act differently when others are watching or when they're trying to impress someone. If we knew we were writing our own book for all to read, would we adjust our behavior? Would we engage in random acts of kindness, read more, dance more, fear less, try to do something that would positively impact the world? What kind of story do you want to tell? Is it a love story, action adventure, comedy? Maybe you would try to cure cancer or create world peace. Perhaps you would put your heart on the line and tell that person you love them. Or, would you travel to all the places you've wanted to go creating connections around the world? If you knew you had to write your own book, what information would you want to pass on?

I would do what I love and love what I do. I would want to inspire people to greatness and to unity. I would build a strong relationship with my Father the Mighty King. I would tell those I love how I feel and not worry about how it makes me look. I would live my life like I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I would write, guide young minds, listen to great music, eat healthy, dance, sing, and love myself, just as I am. Hmmm, I'm already doing those things. That's because I, just like you, am writing my own book with the life I live right now. When we leave here, there will be someone to tell our story, many someones. They will all have different versions and chapters to tell, and it will be the book we are writing right now. This isn't a rough draft, it's a final draft, but if you're still here, you have some pages left to change the story if you don't like what you have written so far.