Friends, how many of us have them?

I wrote a while back about how much easier it was to make friends as a youth. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Moving to a new city has many challenges, not the least of which is making new friends, especially when you don't know many people. It was so much easier when I was in school, so easy I didn't even worry when I went to a new school, or appreciate it. That is a time when we learn how to do things in life. We learn social graces, how to share, teamwork, how to read people, how to make friends. The problem is, how we make friends changes as an adult. I wonder, does it have to?

I remember when I first went to head start everyone in my class was my friend. We played together, ate together, went on field trips together. When I had a birthday party, the entire class was there. I don't remember, however, any formal introductions or efforts to become friends. I think we were all dropped off by our parents at this place where we could play. That's how children become friends. They all want to play, and if you're not mean, we play together everyday, which made us friends. As we get a little older, we become a little more diserning about who was in our "clique," but at my school, which was K-8, those of us who started kindergarten together remained friends through eighth grade. Some new kids came in the 5th or 6th grade who were ushered right into the group too. I always tried to be friends with everyone, or at least kind to them. I guess I knew then how lonely friendlessness could be.

High school was much more "cliquey", especially at an all girls school. But there was still something about being in the same class that brought a certain solidarity, that to this day remains. I am connected on one of those social networking sites with classmates from high school whom I didn't hang out with much, but had enough interaction with to call  friends. I think schools, if they are wise, facilitate activities and situations where students can make friends. Even when you have your core group of friends, you engage in extracurricular activities like sports, student government, or drama club, which then adds a sub-group of friends. One of my closest friends today was not someone I hung out with at school  at all. We didn't even have classes together. I met her on the bus and found out she lived up the street from me. I was only on the bus to go to school.

College was much of the same in that it was a situation that facilitated building friendships. I was more nervous about doing well in the classes than making friends. A school with 30k plus students living with or near each other spending hours studying, partying, and having new experiences together is the perfect scenario for making lifelong friends, or even finding a spouse. Our formative years are one big friend making fest. So why is it that once we leave school, it is so much harder to make friends? We seem to become solitary beings with invisible shields to keep everyone out of our world. You need a secret password just to get in. Even if you go back to school, it's not the same. Adult learners are there to learn in order to better their situations, no time for socializing.

Here I am in a new city, well, new for the second time because I went to school a few cities over, and I am challenged to make friends. I am not in school where I can bond with others in the same situation. I can't just go to the jungle gym and start playing with other adults. People are wrapped up in their lives trying to make business deals, tend to their children or spouses, and navigate everyday life. When you have children it seems to be easier as you bond with other parents during playdates. But how do you make friends as a single adult? I find myself on those social pages "friending" people who live near me and trying to find common interests. But once I do, then what? These days, I find I have to "woo" friends like I would a lover. If the person is male, I have to be careful that I don't give him the impression that I'm interested in dating him, unless I am. I guess men and women can't become friends unless they are co-workers once you leave college. I have met some people online who I wouldn't mind hanging out with, but I don't know if they feel the same, and do I ask if they want to hang out?

I'm always saying that we are all connected. How did this disconnected feeling creep in once I left school? I have friends back home, and we stay in touch. I am currently 400 miles away from home, however, and I crave stimulating conversation, shared experiences, and companionship. I don't think making friends has to be as difficult as adults make it. Watch children. When there is more than one of them, they gravitate towards each other. They are still able to feel the connection. They don't even introduce themselves, they just get to interacting. I find myself creating strategies for making friends because it is vital in order for me to thrive in my new environment.   I am longing for the playground right now.