Looking for love

In the past week I have read and participated in a few discussions about relationships. It's funny how men and women think they have different point of views on the subject, but it all boils down to the same thing, relationships are hard and finding someone you want to be in a relationship with is even harder. Men and women are both looking for the same thing, to be loved unconditionally. That is, of course, a tall order since many people can barely do that with their relatives. Most of us also don't really know what that means. That can be witnessed by simply asking a man or a woman what he or she is looking for in a mate. Height, job, looks, beliefs, etc. all equal conditions.

Now I am by no means an expert on love or relationships, but what I am becoming an expert on is me. I have found that this is the first step to finding a loving fulfilling relationship, knowing thyself. Two of the questions I've heard lately are "where is the best place to meet a good man," and "what can a woman offer me besides sex." The answer to the first question is, anywhere. Good men can be found anywhere, on the Internet (with careful scrutiny), at a club (again, careful), at the mall, the grocery store, some say church.  A better question is, what is your definition of a good man?  I've heard some women say that a good man is one with a good job, who is God fearing, intelligent, funny, loves children, is willing to pamper a woman, is well endowed, and a good lover. Contrary to popular belief, a "good man" is not synonymous with a perfect man. Even if a man has all of these qualities, that doesn't mean he won't have his faults. Perhaps women should make a list of which faults she can tolerate in a man. Maybe then a man's good points will shine brighter for her.  I personally think that a good man is kind, considerate, respectful to all life, forgiving and thoughtful. He realizes his strength comes from within and is not afraid to show affection to his loved ones. He respects his mother, sister, daughter, and every woman he comes in contact with. He is slow to anger and quick to reason. He gives, not expecting anything in return, but because it is the right thing to do. That's not the definition of a good man, actually, that's the definition of a good person. It is not only what we should look for in a mate, but what we should look to be ourselves.

When a man asks a question like, "what can a woman offer me besides sex?" he has automatically reduced her to a sex object and so why expect more? The real question should be, "what can I offer a woman besides sex?"  This isn't a question about your net worth, though some women would argue that it is. If you go bankrupt, what will keep us together? Are you the definition of a "good man"? One should not expect to get from anyone anything more or less than what he or she gives. In fact, one should not expect at all. I had a tough time with this concept myself. But I realized that if I have been careful in choosing a man who is compatible with me in ways that enhance my life spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, I don't need to expect anything because it will already be there. All I have to do is enjoy.

The key here, I think, is looking within. I have learned that all problems in my life, just like all joys, begin from inside of me. Either my choices, attitude, behavior, or thoughts have affected my physical reality. Yeah, it's not as deep as it sounds. It's quite simple actually. If I look back on past relationships, I can see what I did ineffectively (I don't say wrong because with a different person it might have been right), what signs that the relationship wouldn't work that I ignored, or what I lacked to make the relationship succeed. Of course, love is a two way street, and the other person played his part too, but I can only control what I do, how I think. I think it is necessary to be the best that we can be in order to find the best person for us. There's good men and women all around us, but we place value on superficial qualities instead of what really counts. It's time we re-define "good man" and "good woman" and then hold the mirror up to see if we qualify ourselves.  

"If I'm dreaming, then just let me sleep"*

" As I Grew Older"

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun-
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!
~Langston Hughes

Langston Hughes and I have something in common, he was just as obsessed with dreams as I am. I've often wondered what will happen to the dreams that I have deferred. I know a couple sag like a heavy load, and maybe one or two are threatening to explode.  I've undertaken the task of trying to reach back and realize some of the dreams I've long held in my heart since childhood. A couple of my dreams trouble me. One I fear I've waited too late to realize, but both just may not be meant to be. This leads me to the question, should we give up on some dreams?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Some people say, "never give up on your dreams," but what if you dream of doing something that you are not capable of doing, or at least not doing well? Take American Idol for example. Most of us have seen and sometimes laughed at the auditions. Some people go on the show with a serious dream, for which they have prepared most of their life, of becoming a singing star. Yet, when they finally get their chance, they don't have the talent to make their dreams come true. Now, it is sometimes baffling because some people say they have the support and encouragement of their friends and families, while you wonder why others' friends and families didn't tell them that they didn't have what it takes, and save them some embarrassment.

I know it is hard as a friend or family member to risk crushing the dreams of their loved ones by telling them the truth, but is it showing love by allowing a loved one to waste years working on the wrong dream? I think real support would be pointing out some one's strengths and helping them figure out how to make a dream from there. Regardless, I think support is key in realizing one's dreams. It is better to be truthful than to ignore one's efforts completely. We may laugh at those contestants, but we have to respect them as well. They had a dream and went for it no matter what anyone else thought. But this is not about American Idol.

Some dreams just aren't meant to be. The problem is, it is sometimes difficult to know which ones aren't, as we can't predict the future. Is there a point at which we must wake up from some dreams? I've dreamed  of being a writer since freshman year in high school. I went to college intending on becoming a journalist when I discovered I was more interested in creative writing. I studied drama and wrote plays and spent six years working in television with the dream of writing a blockbuster movie. Then one day a friend of mine whose husband is a successful movie writer told me, "he writes his movies all day and when he takes breaks, he writes short stories." That's when I knew I wasn't a writer. Some days I could barely write a single sentence. So that dream was deferred. I would write a poem now and then, but I wasn't a writer. Ten years later, my Father, the Mighty King, has told me that I am a writer and has given me much to write about. Granted, no one may be reading what I write, but I write.

Writing is a dream I readily share looking for feedback and support, hoping to inspire, to touch someone, to find out if this dream is an attainable goal, or the stuff made in R.E.M. sleep. I have a lot of dreams. Some I've shared with friends, family and readers (all three of you, thank you), some I've kept to myself. I haven't really gotten much feedback or support with the writing. Some friends have read one or two things and told me I was a good writer, but they haven't read anything else. Most people just read the title of the link to this blog, but not the blog. Putting myself out there to be judged wasn't easy for me because like Erykah Badu says, "I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit." But I write to be read, so it is necessary. Other dreams, I am a little more trepidacious about revealing. Maybe I fear being laughed at, maybe I look at them like wishes, they won't come true if you tell them. Nevertheless, I will keep dreaming, so "don't wake me up until my dream is complete."*

*Christopher Williams











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Why the world so very very cold?

Why is the world so cold? Everyone seems so self adsorbed trying to do them and get theirs. People have become too busy or self important to greet each other, return a call, email, tweet, or even a smile. There are some people to whom I haven't actually spoken in over a year because they just text me. I even get birthday greetings on facebook now. In a world with so many people, I can see how someone could feel lonely.

Now, I never lived in one of those small towns where everyone knew every one's name and business.  I do know a few years ago when I moved to this area the first time, I would be walking down the street and people would smile and greet me. At first I thought my memory was getting really bad because I thought I must have known these people, why else would they greet me. Then I realized they just had a sense of community. I used to meet friends at cafes for coffee, tea, or lunch. We would spend hours on the phone catching up on the day's events. Now we message on facebook and pray that there are no spelling mistakes or misread tones that could  upset and maybe lose a friend.

I understand that people get older and gain more responsibilities. They have families and those families become their social lives. There's nothing wrong with that. But I do feel there was a certain warmth in my past experiences that has disappeared. I just read an article that listed  America's rudest cities(http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40758837/ns/travel-news/?gt1=43001). It didn't surprise me that the city I grew up in and recently moved from was number 1. Apparently, it's not even a nice place to visit, let alone live. Why is that, I wonder. We get our examples from celebrities; no time for autographs, or pictures, or even to say hello. You can follow me on twitter and read what I tweet to other celebrities, but I won't tweet you back, I am much too important for that. 

Our youth seem to be getting their examples from them too. I greeted one of the students in my program today and she ignored me. Her aunt was with her and told her mom what she had done, and she made the girl come back and apologize to me. I asked her if she had  had a bad day, she said no. Last week she was my helper, this week she's my hater. At least her mother corrected her.

I have so many friends trying to "get their hustle on" whether it be their own businesses, school, or work. So much doing and not enough being. So we walk around in our little invisible boxes of ice, freezing the rest of the world out. .If I smile, it might invite you to speak to me, and I don't want that. No time for pleasantries, gotta go, gotta do. Yes, colder than before.

Are you ready for the end?

Lately with all of the birds falling out of the sky, fish dying and with 2012 on our heels people have been talking about the end of the world. I've been reading a lot about what some people have to say about the so-called Mayan 2012 end of world predictions and the one thing I've seen the most is proselytizing. People are trying to convert sinners to a "righteous path" by instilling the fear of the end of the world coming soon. As devious as that is, it is something that has been going on for centuries. But it did get me thinking. If everyone is so fearful and convinced that the end of the world is coming December 21, 2012, are you ready?

Christianity is the largest religious group world wide with an estimated 2.1 billion members, or 33% of the world's population with Islam and Hinduism coming in second and third with 21 and 14% respectively(www.adherents.com). It is fair to say that most religions follow dogma that requires its followers to live a good life and be kind to others in order to pass on to a "heaven" lest they go to "hell." So with all of this worrying about the end of the world, shouldn't we start seeing a kinder gentler world in preparation for the end of the world as we know it?

I personally have not witnessed more caring, loving, repenting going on. I can only conclude that this fear is of the actual end, and not what comes after. It makes me suspect of religion. Christianity alone holds great power in the world. It has at least 2.1 billion people, and a million other non Christians spending billions of dollars a year on Christmas gifts and trees, and decorations. How is it that it can't bring comfort and security to all of those people awaiting the end of the world? There's an old saying in the south, "If you're scared, go to church," I guess they were wrong about that.

I see sons mistreating their mothers, co-workers backstabbing co-workers, businesses and government agencies taking advantage of the poor. People are behaving as badly as ever. I even read that people have been calling NASA to inquire about the so-called Mayan predictions and one woman said she considered killing her children and herself so they wouldn't have to endure the end of the world. I guess she was agnostic. This goes back to faith. What is religion really doing for people if there is so much fear and distress in the world. What is it doing for people if there is still so much oppression, greed, violence, lying, thievery, and sexual deviance in the world?

Studies I've read say that the Maya Long Count calendar is merely going back to zero after December 21, 2012 and starting a new cycle, that there are no predictions of any sort in any Mayan documents found. The keeping of time, after all, is a man made thing. As reprehensible as it is for religious groups to promote fear in order to get people to repent in preparation for the "end of the world," I can kind of see why they would do it. But why not just promote living righteously and being good to each other because it is the right way to live? Isn't that what "religion" is supposed to do? Love is my religion, maybe everyone should join me.

The Rising of a Queen: Don't Give Up

The Rising of a Queen: Don't Give Up: "I've been thinking about exactly what it means to be a queen. Yes, it is a birthright, but to actually be looked upon and treated as a queen..."

Don't Give Up

I've been thinking about exactly what it means to be a queen. Yes, it is a birthright, but to actually be looked upon and treated as a queen, to earn the crown takes work. A queen carries herself with respect and commands respect, but not by fear. A queen is free with her love, but does not throw her pearls to swine. She is confident, yet humble, elegant, yet down to earth. She is kind and understanding, yet does not let her kindness be taken for weakness, nor her generosity for stupidity. She is at once demure and a pillar of strength. She seeks wisdom and shares it, heeds instruction and correction, forgives (but does not forget), loves those who hate her,  and respects and listens to her Father the Mighty King. These are just a few qualities a queen must have to earn her crown. My, what a daunting list. The most important thing on that list is that even when she fails at one or all of those, she continues to strive to achieve them.

This trod can be challenging to say the least. Many will try to cause me to stumble, and I may, but I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on down the road. I have encountered many struggles in my life, some tougher than others, none so tough that I give up. So many others in the world have had it much tougher than I ever will. But the fact is, my struggles are mine and only mine to deal with, and every man thinks that his burden is the heaviest. But it is the strong that survive. Some people think that strong people never get scared, frustrated, angry, sad, hurt, or discouraged. It is quite the opposite. It takes more strength to continue trying, striving, working hard towards a goal or a dream in the face of obstacles with fear, pain and doubt, than without it. To continue on under those circumstances shows real faith and confidence.

I have had people try to encourage or  manipulate me into giving up for many years. I remember after my first semester of college being put on academic probation and my college counselor told me, "college isn't for everyone, maybe you should go home." Going home without a degree simply was not an option for me. There were too many people who had sacrificed and prayed for me to succeed for me to give up. Fortunately, I found some allies and continued. I graduated with a 3.27 gpa. It wasn't easy, and it was nowhere near the top of the class, but it was so far from where I started. There are those in my life right now who would love to see me fail, to give up. There's no legitimate reason for such a desire, but some people don't want to see others do what they could not. I'm the opposite. Others' successes are mine too, because I pray for them to succeed, and I know my prayers worked when they do.

There's a saying that just when you're ready to give up, that's when things start turning around. That saying alone keeps me going, because what if I give up right when my dreams are about to come true or my destiny realized? Earning my crown is going to take a lot of work, but once I have, there is nothing that I cannot achieve. Never, ever, ever, give up.

Relax, relate, release

Why do I blog? Hardly any one's reading it, and those who do read it give no feedback. I do it because writing makes me feel good. I've always loved writing and lately I have been so compelled to write I've been writing all kinds of things. I have two other blogs, one of which is all poetry, and I wrote a short story the other day. I'm supposed to be writing a children's book, and I will get to finishing that within the next few days, if it pleases my Father the Mighty King. Writing is my outlet. I don't know if I have any real talent for it, or where it will lead me, if anywhere. What I do know is that it helps me express myself better, not just in blogs or stories, but in conversation as well. Writing calms me down, cheers me up, makes me smile. Sometimes when I write, it's like a relief, like finally being able to take your shoes off after a long day.

We all need an outlet, a release, but it should be something healthy. Some people exercise, some dance, sing, paint play music either on an instrument on a cd. You don't really need to be good at it, you just need to enjoy it. There's a saying that goes "do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do." The problem most of us have is that we do a lot of things that we have to do, and either forget or don't leave time to do the things we want to do. Doing things that we enjoy is essential to a healthy lifestyle. My friend and brother who is a naturopathic healer is always telling me that the mind, body, and spirit, are connected, and if one of them is unhealthy, the other two are thrown off balance.

We are aware that we must feed our bodies, but we also must feed our minds and spirits too. That mental and spiritual , and even physical food can come in the form of self enjoyment. Doing the things that matter to us, that are fun, that bring relief is like taking vitamins. I've just recently started writing again, but before I did, I just held things inside, creating tension, stress, and disease. But writing and listening to music enable me to  relax and heal. What do you like to do? What is your passion? How long has it been since you've done it? If you don't know the answers to these questions, maybe it's time to explore them. We don't have to always do things that make money or check something off of a list. We can do things which only serve the purpose of bringing us enjoyment. They're serving a bigger purpose than you think. Ahhh, that's better.

Challenge: Be kind

Happy New Year to you and your family. This year is about going bigger and bolder for me as I have some catching up to do on my trod to the throne. Many people use the arrival of a new year to make resolutions which they let go of in a few days, weeks, or months. Resolutions are just words without a plan and a prayer. I don't do them anymore, but I do like the idea of using this new orbital period as a new beginning, a fresh start. It's a hopeful time, however brief it may be, when everyone decides to work towards being better people to themselves and others. Some actually achieve these goals, and so I have been pondering how to help people create goals that they can actually achieve.

The first issue to get away from is making a resolution. A resolution is a statement or declaration of an intention (dictionary.com). A statement or intention has very little strength behind it. Now dictionary.com defines a goal as; the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end. That is what we need, to exert effort towards an aim or end. But first we need a plan. One problem with resolutions is that people don't think them through enough to see if they're attainable for them, how they will go about achieving them, and if it is realistic. Most people resolve to lose weight by eating right and exercising, but they have no real idea of what eating right or exercising is. They think celery sticks and water combined with 2 hours on the treadmill is going to do the trick. Well, first of all, celery is not rich enough in nutrients to sustain someone alone and people don't say 'mmmm celery' so they break down and go for the burger. Secondly, exercise should be something you enjoy and will be willing to do regularly, not boring and exhausting.

Others want to make more money, fulfill lifelong dreams, find a husband, etc. I can't necessarily give tips on how to achieve those goals, but I can offer some help on how to achieve something this year that will make you feel good all year long. Why not take baby steps and start with something you can take steps daily to achieve and then use that method on the bigger goals. I offer you a challenge. Starting today, make a point to say or do something kind to one person you know, and one stranger. It could be as simple as a smile, or a compliment (as long as it is sincere) or it could be giving someone a hug, or a ride, or spare change. Simple acts of kindness not only make you feel good about yourself, but it also spreads kindness throughout the world. Now some of you may think this is hokey or won't do any good, but you will never know for sure until you try it.

If you commit to consciously being kind to one person you know and one stranger, in small ways, you will find that after a time, you have stuck to a goal. Now you have a blueprint on how to proceed with the bigger goals. One thing, don't let your random acts of kindness give you license to be unkind to someone else. It doesn't balance it out, it cancels it out. Come back and visit this post and tell me about your experiences in the comments section. If you find that you have slipped, offer up a prayer or statement of forgiveness to the Higher Power or universe and start again the next day. Random acts of kindness could lead to world peace, or at the very least, peace in your world.