Listen

I rarely get too personal in this blog, but last night I had a dream that I know is about more than just me as I have seen and heard it happening all around me. So, I am going to share the relevant parts of this dream in hopes of reaching ones who need it...which I believe is everyone.

I dreamed I was a little girl, maybe nine, at a school which seemed to go up to high school. I was very excited about everything that happened there; p.e. class, recess, and especially a talent show. Everything and everyone seemed to blow past me in a noisy frenzy. No one talked to me except for one teacher who took the time to answer every question, yet was always pulled away prematurely to deal with other children.

I asked the teacher if I could be the stage manager for the talent show (apparently in my dream, I remembered I was a drama major in waking life) but he said I was too small, but that I should audition for the show. I was not at all dejected, but I could hardly think of what talent I could share. Then, I decided I would recite a poem I wrote called "A Wondrous World." (No, I haven't written such a poem in waking life...yet)

When I arrived at the audition, chaos overwhelmed the auditorium while a young girl was trying to sing her song. My teacher was busy trying to show a young man how to work the lighting board while students ran around, laughed and talked loudly. I took a seat behind some girls who seemed to be your stereotypical "mean girls" from some tween flick. They were all making fun of a girl and discouraging her from auditioning with her song saying she had no talent. These were her best friends.

When the little girl on stage was finished performing, my teacher yelled out 'who's next?' I resolutely crumbled my poem up, shoved it into my pocket and marched up to the stage. In the midst of this chaos, I took the microphone and started belting out the song "Listen" from the movie Dreamgirls. Mind you, I'm almost certain I've only heard this song once, when I saw the movie years ago, but the lyrics bellowed out of me as if I was Beyonce herself. Suddenly, the room was quiet and still. All eyes and ears were on me. Once I was finished, there were no applause, just gaping mouths, and I walked away from the mic, and left all of my youthful enthusiasm on the stage.

As I awaken, I recalled a conversation I had had the night before about listening. Most people don't do it. We hear the words, but we're often too busy waiting for our opportunity to respond to actually listen to what's being said. I remember in my discussion the idea of also listening to what's not being said. A conversation has many parts; speech, subtext, tone, body language. It's baffling to me how we can think that effectual conversations can take place via text, facebook, or twitter.

I took special note to the fact that in my dream I was a small child. It was a direct correlation with my feelings that youth go unheard, and how I sometimes feel like a child who should be seen and not heard when people don't listen to me. Young people always tell us what they think, feel, and need, but because they haven't yet learned how to convey these things sufficiently, we only hear complaints, excuses, and rebellion.

We are all children in the midst of chaos fighting to be heard. We are, however, also the chaos. We need to listen to each other and not just hear. I remember years ago how I used to hear music, the beat, the bass, the rhythm of the lyrics, but I wasn't actually listening to the words. Once I began to listen to the words, I became much more discerning about the type of music I listened to. 

So many times when a tragedy occurs, or even just disappointment, there were warnings to which we didn't listen.There is much that we can offer and receive from one another, but we need to listen. Don't dismiss someone because they are not speaking in a language you prefer or are used to. Do pause amidst the chaos and observe, pay attention. There is value in every word that is spoken or unspoken, even if we don't know what that value is at the time. Listen.

The Journey

I often don't like to post a blog unless I have solutions to the questions I ask. But more and more I am beginning to realize that it's not always the answers that provide more direction, rather the questions themselves illuminate the pathway. It's not the destination that's important, but the journey.

Statistics have shown that many people change careers between seven and fifteen times in a lifetime. Men and women usually have numerous relationships throughout life. There are many phases to a life because our desires, needs, likes, circumstances, knowledge change as time moves. Change is constant and inevitable. The challenge comes when trying to navigate the changes inside and around us.

Sometimes life's changes don't create the life we dreamed of or desired. So what do we do then? Of course some will say that we can have whatever life we desire, we just have to create it. But it takes nine months to create a baby, so creating a desired life or lifestyle will take time too. So how do we maneuver during this time in a way that is productive. What if we aren't quite sure what we want to create?

Uncertainty is a prickly fact of life. To be honest, the unknown has always been an enemy of mine. Perhaps this is the reason why I put so much energy into strengthening my faith. I know my Father The Mighty King is guiding me through a path that He feels is best for me. I can trace the route that lead me to where I am at this moment back many years. But not seeing what's around the bend is nerve wracking...sometimes terrifying! No, I never imagined the life I am currently living, and there are certain aspects of it that I would change.

I am not implying that I don't like the way my life has turned out. I am trying to figure out how to live a life I didn't expect with the greatest joy, love, acceptance, and productivity that I can muster. Rolling with change takes work. Knowing yourself helps. What are your strengths? I am hopeful (even when I can't be positive), I am generous (though I don't have many possessions) I am a good communicator (yet sometimes at a loss for words) and I am forgiving (had to work very hard on that one).

How do these strengths help me navigate the uncertain waters of life? I am still figuring that one out. I like who I am, who I have worked hard to become, even though my life looks nothing like I dreamed it would be. I am now faced with the challenge of travelling  the next leg of this journey blindfolded. I know, however, that my Guide would never lead me astray. Safe journey fellow travelers.

The Rising of a Queen: Year One

Today marks one year since I took my first step in my journey towards the throne and moved 400 miles north of family and friends. I am, therefore, in a reflective mood. A friend told me I "bare my soul" well in this blog. It's funny, that wasn't my intention, but a blog about this journey of mine is bound to be revealing. So  this question comes to mind; what have I learned and/or accomplished this past year? Hmmm, well a lot has certainly transpired, both good, and not as good. I think I can certainly say the good outweighs the not so good. But have I learned anything? Have I gotten any closer to the throne? This past year has definitely been a roller coaster ride, many ups and downs, highs and lows. I've learned that the lows weren't that low, and the highs, well they were pretty high.

During the coldest and wettest winter of my life, I was without a car or the finances to get one, then one was given to me. Many of the people I've come in contact with haven't been very friendly, and I don't really fit in in my new neighborhood. I haven't made many friends that I can spend time with, but one friend I made enabled me to meet and spend time with some very lovely and friendly people who just happen to be my favorite band. That experience alone has made this move worth it. Although I have spent a great deal of time alone, it has meant plenty of time to pick my writing back up. I'm not sure if I've gotten any better at it, but the inspiration is definitely there. Things seem to always balance out. I guess one lesson is that when life doesn't seem to be going your way, be patient and have faith that life is happening that way for a reason; to make way for something even better.

Preparations for the throne include self evaluation and improvement, adjustment of my attitude and outlook, paying attention to that voice inside of me, the voice of my Father the Mighty King, increasing my faith, positivity, confidence, and knowledge, and knowing myself. I have overcome fears, recognized weaknesses, and gotten closer to my Father. I still have many miles to travel, but now that He knows I am serious, my Father has revealed a great deal more of the path to me that I am to follow. If we pay attention to what's going on around us in nature, with other people, society, our heads and hearts, we can see and hear what the universe or Higher Power is trying to tell us. I've learned that not everyone will be able to see what I see, or understand it, and some may call me crazy, so I keep much of it to myself.

In this year, I've noticed many changes in myself spiritually, mentally, and physically. I don't know if it's age, the different environment, or could I be getting wiser? Maybe it's all of those. I'm a seeker of wisdom. I never feel wise so I always look for answers as well as questions. I like to surround myself with people who are more intelligent about the things I need to learn more about. Everyone has something they can teach us. I learned that from working with youth. They get a bum rap. People dismiss them because of their age, but with age does not necessarily come wisdom. Some wisdom leaves us as we age. We get wrapped up in worldly meaningless pursuits and forget the keys to happiness that were given to us at birth. Age doesn't bring wisdom, we have to seek it, continually. The first place to start is within ourselves.

Everything we need to be happy, to succeed, to make a beautiful life is inside of us already. We create the reality in which we live. I used to think that some people make life happen while others let life happen to them. The truth is, we make the life we live with all the things we do, say, and think, as well as all we don't do, say, or think. Now this is a lesson a few people have tried to teach me a while ago, but I was not in the right place mentally, spiritually, and physically to understand it. So in that respect, this move was not only a good decision, but a necessary one. There are goals, hopes, and dreams that I have neglected that will now receive my full attention because I am now aware that I can bring them to fruition without waiting for the "right" time, people, or circumstances. The time is now, I am the person, and circumstances are inconsequential. I give thanks to the few of you who have been following this blog. I do bare my soul a bit in it and your interest is honored. I wish you Love and Light.

"If I'm dreaming, then just let me sleep"*

" As I Grew Older"

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun-
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!
~Langston Hughes

Langston Hughes and I have something in common, he was just as obsessed with dreams as I am. I've often wondered what will happen to the dreams that I have deferred. I know a couple sag like a heavy load, and maybe one or two are threatening to explode.  I've undertaken the task of trying to reach back and realize some of the dreams I've long held in my heart since childhood. A couple of my dreams trouble me. One I fear I've waited too late to realize, but both just may not be meant to be. This leads me to the question, should we give up on some dreams?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Some people say, "never give up on your dreams," but what if you dream of doing something that you are not capable of doing, or at least not doing well? Take American Idol for example. Most of us have seen and sometimes laughed at the auditions. Some people go on the show with a serious dream, for which they have prepared most of their life, of becoming a singing star. Yet, when they finally get their chance, they don't have the talent to make their dreams come true. Now, it is sometimes baffling because some people say they have the support and encouragement of their friends and families, while you wonder why others' friends and families didn't tell them that they didn't have what it takes, and save them some embarrassment.

I know it is hard as a friend or family member to risk crushing the dreams of their loved ones by telling them the truth, but is it showing love by allowing a loved one to waste years working on the wrong dream? I think real support would be pointing out some one's strengths and helping them figure out how to make a dream from there. Regardless, I think support is key in realizing one's dreams. It is better to be truthful than to ignore one's efforts completely. We may laugh at those contestants, but we have to respect them as well. They had a dream and went for it no matter what anyone else thought. But this is not about American Idol.

Some dreams just aren't meant to be. The problem is, it is sometimes difficult to know which ones aren't, as we can't predict the future. Is there a point at which we must wake up from some dreams? I've dreamed  of being a writer since freshman year in high school. I went to college intending on becoming a journalist when I discovered I was more interested in creative writing. I studied drama and wrote plays and spent six years working in television with the dream of writing a blockbuster movie. Then one day a friend of mine whose husband is a successful movie writer told me, "he writes his movies all day and when he takes breaks, he writes short stories." That's when I knew I wasn't a writer. Some days I could barely write a single sentence. So that dream was deferred. I would write a poem now and then, but I wasn't a writer. Ten years later, my Father, the Mighty King, has told me that I am a writer and has given me much to write about. Granted, no one may be reading what I write, but I write.

Writing is a dream I readily share looking for feedback and support, hoping to inspire, to touch someone, to find out if this dream is an attainable goal, or the stuff made in R.E.M. sleep. I have a lot of dreams. Some I've shared with friends, family and readers (all three of you, thank you), some I've kept to myself. I haven't really gotten much feedback or support with the writing. Some friends have read one or two things and told me I was a good writer, but they haven't read anything else. Most people just read the title of the link to this blog, but not the blog. Putting myself out there to be judged wasn't easy for me because like Erykah Badu says, "I'm an artist, and I'm sensitive about my shit." But I write to be read, so it is necessary. Other dreams, I am a little more trepidacious about revealing. Maybe I fear being laughed at, maybe I look at them like wishes, they won't come true if you tell them. Nevertheless, I will keep dreaming, so "don't wake me up until my dream is complete."*

*Christopher Williams











Want to support my dream? Read more at:


http://crowningwrites.blogspot.com/

What happens to a dream deferred?

I've been thinking about dreams a lot lately, not the ones that occur during r.e.m. sleep, the ones we build up in our hearts, souls, and mind's eyes. I have some big dreams, as I'm sure many of you do. My question is this; can your dreams be too big? I mean, is the man of my dreams out of my reach? Should I aim lower? I would love to be a published author, children's books and poetry. Is that too lofty of a dream? I mean, I can publish my own book, but will anyone read it? My goal is not to make a lot of money, but to be read, to affect someone the way Maya Angelou, Ntozake Shange, Langston Hughes and so many others have affected me. Of course, I have 3 blogs and five followers between them so I'm not sure how many people would read an entire book of my work. At any rate, as a person whose job it is to nurture and help realize the dreams of youth, I really want to get a handle on this question.

Now, are all of our dreams possible only if we follow a particular path? Are we more likely to achieve them if we strive for them by a certain age and then the odds dwindle? What are the barriers that keep us from fulfilling our dreams and how, if at all, do we remove them? This is why I would like to have more followers who comment on my blogs so there can be discussion and so I can get some help sorting these things out. Ok, so let's start with the first question, must we follow a particular path. Well, I suppose for some professions like a doctor or lawyer one would need to follow the correct educational path. But then that brings in the third question, what if there are barriers to prevent you from taking that path, like money? There have been many who went back to school later in life and became doctors and lawyers, so the age question seems flexible.

Let's go back to barriers. There are so many barriers to us fulfilling our dreams, not the least of which is ourselves. We doubt ourselves, listen to others' negative talk, hormones take our minds away from our dreams and send us down another path. Working with youth I see where it starts. Youth in low income and high crime areas lack hope. They lack hope because their parents and their grandparents lack hope. They are stuck in cyclical poverty and don't see a way out. One child told me he wanted to be a security guard when he grew up. There's nothing wrong with that, it's just that fifth graders usually have much bigger dreams and ideas about what they want their lives to be like. Dreaming has always been looked upon as a child's activity. So poverty is a barrier. I would say also that the school systems in these areas are creating barriers for these children by not properly preparing them. How much encouragement is necessary for ones to meet their dreams? I've seen people do extraordinary things though everyone told them they couldn't. Conversely, I have seen great works come from those who credit the support and encouragement of parents, teachers, coaches and so forth for their successes.

Now, age. In his mid-50s Taikichiro Mori founded the business that made him, for a year or two, the richest man in the world. Al Jarreau didn't release his first album until he was 35. Clint Eastwood didn't direct his first film until he was 41. (He was 62 when he won the Best Director Oscar for "Unforgiven" and 74 when he won it for "Million Dollar Baby.") The human brain doesn't even stop developing until age 25 (the part that controls judgement takes the longest to develop, surprise surprise). So, I think it could be an advantage to pursue some of our dreams later in life.

So what does this all mean? What's the answer? I've been thinking about this for a week, but I didn't write about it because I didn't have an answer that satisfied me, until yesterday. Rev. Run (of Run DMC) tweeted this: "God gives us dreams several sizes too big so that we can grow into them." I love that because I am definitely still growing, and dreaming.

http://theriseofaqueen.tumblr.com/