Looking for love

In the past week I have read and participated in a few discussions about relationships. It's funny how men and women think they have different point of views on the subject, but it all boils down to the same thing, relationships are hard and finding someone you want to be in a relationship with is even harder. Men and women are both looking for the same thing, to be loved unconditionally. That is, of course, a tall order since many people can barely do that with their relatives. Most of us also don't really know what that means. That can be witnessed by simply asking a man or a woman what he or she is looking for in a mate. Height, job, looks, beliefs, etc. all equal conditions.

Now I am by no means an expert on love or relationships, but what I am becoming an expert on is me. I have found that this is the first step to finding a loving fulfilling relationship, knowing thyself. Two of the questions I've heard lately are "where is the best place to meet a good man," and "what can a woman offer me besides sex." The answer to the first question is, anywhere. Good men can be found anywhere, on the Internet (with careful scrutiny), at a club (again, careful), at the mall, the grocery store, some say church.  A better question is, what is your definition of a good man?  I've heard some women say that a good man is one with a good job, who is God fearing, intelligent, funny, loves children, is willing to pamper a woman, is well endowed, and a good lover. Contrary to popular belief, a "good man" is not synonymous with a perfect man. Even if a man has all of these qualities, that doesn't mean he won't have his faults. Perhaps women should make a list of which faults she can tolerate in a man. Maybe then a man's good points will shine brighter for her.  I personally think that a good man is kind, considerate, respectful to all life, forgiving and thoughtful. He realizes his strength comes from within and is not afraid to show affection to his loved ones. He respects his mother, sister, daughter, and every woman he comes in contact with. He is slow to anger and quick to reason. He gives, not expecting anything in return, but because it is the right thing to do. That's not the definition of a good man, actually, that's the definition of a good person. It is not only what we should look for in a mate, but what we should look to be ourselves.

When a man asks a question like, "what can a woman offer me besides sex?" he has automatically reduced her to a sex object and so why expect more? The real question should be, "what can I offer a woman besides sex?"  This isn't a question about your net worth, though some women would argue that it is. If you go bankrupt, what will keep us together? Are you the definition of a "good man"? One should not expect to get from anyone anything more or less than what he or she gives. In fact, one should not expect at all. I had a tough time with this concept myself. But I realized that if I have been careful in choosing a man who is compatible with me in ways that enhance my life spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, I don't need to expect anything because it will already be there. All I have to do is enjoy.

The key here, I think, is looking within. I have learned that all problems in my life, just like all joys, begin from inside of me. Either my choices, attitude, behavior, or thoughts have affected my physical reality. Yeah, it's not as deep as it sounds. It's quite simple actually. If I look back on past relationships, I can see what I did ineffectively (I don't say wrong because with a different person it might have been right), what signs that the relationship wouldn't work that I ignored, or what I lacked to make the relationship succeed. Of course, love is a two way street, and the other person played his part too, but I can only control what I do, how I think. I think it is necessary to be the best that we can be in order to find the best person for us. There's good men and women all around us, but we place value on superficial qualities instead of what really counts. It's time we re-define "good man" and "good woman" and then hold the mirror up to see if we qualify ourselves.