Single Black Female

I haven't written in a long while, mostly because I had so much to say that I couldn't really organize my thoughts to my liking. Recently, however, I had an experience that I can't seem to get out of my head. It was actually something that I was surprised I had escaped for as long as I had. During Thanksgiving, a loved one was "badgering" me about being single.

I've been trying to convince myself that I mistook his concern and desire for me to be happy for a slight. To be fair, we've never had an adversarial relationship and he's family so I don't believe his intention was to be hurtful. Nevertheless, I took it personally and felt attacked because the question "Why don't you have a man" made me feel as though it was my fault that I am single...and that being single was wrong. Upon further contemplation, I came to realize that it's not my "fault" that I'm single.

It's not my fault that many men don't realize that I have wide hips to birth a nation and an ample bosom to feed a nation.

It's not my fault that they don't know that my behind is round to cushion the 7 times I fall so that I may rise 8, or that my plump thighs...well that's just for his comfort

It's not my fault that men don't overstand that my nostrils are wide to smell the b.s. that Babylon slings my way to break my spirit

It's not my fault that the fellas don't recognize that my nappy hair and melaninated  skin protect me from the climate, a climate that is charged with words and behaviors intended to demoralize, denigrate, discourage, and generally break me

Nah, it ain't my fault.

I'm not single by choice, and I am single by choice. There's a man out there who's seeking what I have to offer, but he's unique himself. So, I guess my reply is that it's not that I "can't get a man," it's that some men just don't get me.

 

 

 

A Little Birthday Gift from the Universe...

I just had a birthday, and although I admit I was dreading it because lately, I have been buying into society's belief that once a woman reaches a certain age she should be archived, I am thankful for another year of life, experiences, and hopefully wisdom.

One piece of wisdom that has been like a truck blaring its headlights in my rearview mirror is how little other's thoughts and opinions of me really matter. The older I get, the more I understand that everyone has something going on in their lives that skew their view of life and the people in it. What's disheartening is that they often tend to vomit those view all over social media, and many people take social media waaay too seriously.

Some people base the way they deal with someone on how many of their posts a person does or doesn't like, or if they respond with a different opinion than their own, completely discounting their interaction with those people outside in the real world.

The thing, however, that irritates me is the hypocrosy. Whenever you hear about someone committing suicide or being bullied, there are all of these posts saying 'reach out to someone' 'I'm here for any of you' 'bullyng is wrong.' But some of the same people post memes making fun of the way people look or are dressed or behaving, and often these are people they don't even know. I'm sure that at some point, the people in those memes see them. How do they feel? Do they feel bullied? Suicidal? Can they reach out to you? Will you be there for them?

And about suicidal and depressed people reaching out to you; most of them aren't going to call you or message you and say, 'I'm depressed, I'm suicidal.' If you truly care,reach out to people just to check in on them. Making fun of people just because it makes you feel better about yourself and your situation is counteractive to 'being there.'

Finally, stop letting social media be the gps for how you feel or think about yourself or your life. Social media is just a place to let your narcissistic side run free. It's a chill spot for the ego. If you are depressed or suicidal, cancel all of your social media accounts and go find a real face to interact with.

This is one little piece of wisdom I've gained and hope to carry into the next 60 years...feel free to take some too.

"There shall be no solution to this race problem until you, yourselves, strike the blow for liberty." — Marcus Garvey

"Men search the pages of history for solutions, for precedents, but there are none. This, then, is the ultimate challenge. Where are we to look for our survival, for the answers to the questions which have never before been posed? We must look, first, to Almighty God, Who has raised man above the animals and endowed him with intelligence and reason. We must put our faith in Him, that He will not desert us or permit us to destroy humanity, which He created in His image. And we must look into ourselves, into the depth of our souls. We must become something we have never been and for which our education and experience and environment have ill-prepared us. We must become bigger than we have been, more courageous, greater in spirit, larger in outlook. We must become members of a new race, overcoming petty prejudice, owing our ultimate allegiance not to nations but to our fellow men within the human community."~His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassie I 1963 Speech to the UN

The quote above comes from the same speech as the more well known quote that Bob Marley made into the song "War." It is just as true and relevant today as it was over 50 years ago when Emperor Haile Selassie made the speech. I had to seek out His Majesty's words to try to quell the rage building inside of me due to the circumstances America finds itself in today. But let's face it, hatred and bigotry is swelling around the world.

I was thinking yesterday that if my grandmother, who marched with Dr. King, was alive today, her head and heart would be reeling with despair and disbelief from this deja vu, this flashback to a time long before I was born. She would probably feel like she failed her great grand baby by not making sure the job was complete. But I would have to tell her that she and her generation can't take on the blame because laws change circumstances not hearts and minds.

Today, this father's day, there are offspring mourning their fathers rather than celebrating them. There is a church in Charleston, SC who instead of celebrating and revering fatherhood, is praying for solace, comfort, peace, and protection because we as a race, the human race, have failed to "become bigger than we have been, more courageous, greater in spirit and larger in outlook." Because of our failure (not just our ancestors') racism is not only still alive, but regaining the strength of Dr. King's days. You disagree? Let me illustrate:

The Emanuel African American Episcopal Church Massacre

 Not a Gun Control Issue

President Obama and other gun control proponents would have you believe that this tragedy would have been averted had we had better gun control laws. Although I agree, we need better gun control laws,  this was not some "mentally unstable" individual with unknown motives who committed a mass shooting because he had access to a gun. This was a racially motivated attack on black people. The shooter himself said it. In 1963, the weapon of choice was fire bombs. But I believe that Mr. President didn't feel he could make this admission because after all, he's the president of the racists too.

Not an "Attack on Christianity"

So in this day, we are so familiar with the diversion tactics of those who push their own agendas and ideologies rather than stand for right. There are "news" agencies claiming that that youth was declaring war on Christianity. But he shot up a black church because black people were in it. The shooter himself said it.

Not a New Thing

In Birmingham, Alabama: It, too, was a racist attack that used a bomb on the 16th Street Baptist Church, killing four black girls on a Sunday in 1963. Protests have been flooding the streets in the last couple of years over police violence against blacks, yet, a senator, who is old enough to remember the 1963 bombing, has the gall to say it is "unfathomable" that someone would do this. He knows as well as I do that racists ideology is still being taught and upheld...the presence of the confederate flag at the capitol building in South Carolina should be evidence enough.

The Cause of My Rage

Many of you may have no real concept of what it is like to live as a black person in America...especially as a black woman. Let me give you a tiny glimpse:

• Trust: Bob Marley said, "Man to man is so unjust. Ya don't know who to trust." Imagine knowing that you are surrounded by at least 5 types of people but not always knowing which they are: 1. People who admit they don't like you because you're black 2. People who don't like you because you're black but don't admit it 3. People who don't realize they don't like you because you're black and thus keep their feet in their mouths 4. People who don't like certain aspects about your "blackness" 5. Those who sincerely like you as you are

• Abandonment : I have many friends and acquaintances whom I know are good, caring people who are all for equal rights and justice. Yet, when events like the Charleston Massacre happens (in fact, especially this event) they go silent. I see no posts, save for condolences, about the event and I hear no outrage from them. Mind you, there are those who are eternal warriors for justice and I am thankful for them. But to some of my non-black acquaintances, are you aware how something like this effects your black friends? Are you aware how one word of solidarity from you would comfort us? And please realize, some of the 5 types of people I mentioned above are black too. And some of you go silent as well. Do you really believe we have "overcome"? Do you think this is "the mountain top"? And no one steps up as a leader. I would, but I've only got 12 followers on this blog, I clearly can't garner support.

• Fear : I don't fear for my own life, but I have a bit of fear for these young people behind me who don't know their history nor do many of them have a true knowledge or understanding of what's going on today and the significance of it. Those who do, fight back, but they do so in a way that is unsafe for them because they have no guidance or leadership. Some of those 5 types of black people blame their "insolence" for their unfair treatment, when they should thank them for reminding them that they too should stand up for their rights.

• Pain: It pains me to see injustices and wickedness thrive unabated. There are good people in the world, many of them are white, and police officers. But when will they stand up for good? All who don't stand up are to blame as much as the oppressors. "our ultimate allegiance not to nations but to our fellow men within the human community." I also have to endure the pain of rejection from all men because the black woman is treated like the wretches of society. I endure stereotypes perpetuated by media and my own people, I endure the curiosity of those who ask me questions like I'm a creature from outer space. But mostly, I endure the pain of having to watch atrocities occur knowing nothing will be done to change it.

These are just a few sources of the rage building inside of me. The mental anguish of knowing I can't stop these things on my own is exhausting. I'm a rasta woman, and yes, we are about peace and love, but we are also about equal rights and justice. So, I'll leave you with the most famous quote from His Imperial Majesty's speech as food for thought:

"On the question of racial discrimination, the Addis Ababa Conference taught, to those who will learn, this further lesson: That until the philosophy which holds one race superior and another inferior is finally and permanently discredited and abandoned: That until there are no longer first-class and second class citizens of any nation; That until the color of a man's skin is of no more significance than the color of his eyes; That until the basic human rights are equally guaranteed to all without regard to race; That until that day, the dream of lasting peace and world citizenship and the rule of international morality will remain but a fleeting illusion, to be pursued but never attained; And until the ignoble and unhappy regimes that hold our brothers in Angola, in Mozambique and in South Africa in subhuman bondage have been toppled and destroyed; Until bigotry and prejudice and malicious and inhuman self-interest have been replaced by understanding and tolerance and good-will; Until all Africans stand and speak as free beings, equal in the eyes of all men, as they are in the eyes of Heaven; Until that day, the African continent will not know peace. We Africans will fight, if necessary, and we know that we shall win, as we are confident in the victory of good over evil."

~His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassie I 1963 Speech to the UN

It's the "isms" That Will Be Our Demse

“It really boils down to this: that all life is interrelated. We are all caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied together into a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. We are made to live together because of the interrelated structure of reality . . . Before you finish eating breakfast in the morning, you’ve depended on more than half the world. This is the way our universe is structured, this is its interrelated quality. We aren’t going to have peace on Earth until we recognize the basic fact of the interrelated structure of all reality. “

-Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. 1967 Christmas Sermon on Peace

If I hadn't accredited this quote to Dr. King, some might think it came from The Dalai Lama or Thich Nhat Hanh . That is because most religious/spiritual leaders who are true to their faiths know this to be true...universally. Those who are truly interested in peace realize that the way to it is not by forwarding individual agendas or misinterpretations of religious/spiritual texts which seems to be the pervasive trend in society today.

I, personally, am aggrieved by the way humanity is treating one another. The world has come up with various ranking systems that boil down to most and least worthy of a humane, dignified, fair, and peaceful life. We climb over each other with our words, economics, laws, beliefs, and other weapons to declare our superiority. I think some would be content to heard all of the people who they didn't like into a cave to rot and die, not realizing that any one of them could change the world for the better one day.

It's the "isms" that will be our (humanity's) demise. Sexism gave permission to racism which led to class ism and ageism and soon to be homosexual-ism (I say soon to be because gays are not a protected class yet so discriminating against them (apparently) isn't illegal, yet...which seems to define "isms.") We as a society haven't yet realized that allowing  one group to be denied rights, dignity, and opportunity opens the door to deny others the same. Let's face it, unless you're a straight, white, Christian male with no disabilities, not overweight  and have never served in the armed forces, you will fall into one group or another who can be discriminated against or berated. (Actually, if you are that male, you probably come under fire for that too.)

Are you aware that in 1964 Congress passed Public Law 88-352 (78 Stat. 241). The provisions of this civil rights act forbade discrimination on the basis of sex as well as race in hiring, promoting, and firing? Did you know that Title VII of the act created the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) to implement the law and subsequent legislation expanded the role of the EEOC so that the EEOC enforces laws that prohibit discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, disability, or age in hiring, promoting, firing, setting wages, testing, training, apprenticeship, and all other terms and conditions of employment?* Or did you think that the Civil Rights Act of 1964 only addressed laws regarding African Americans? Note: When you endeavor to deny the rights of others, you subsequently deny yourself rights. (See MLK quote above)

I'm not just talking about incidents that make the headlines either. People on social media regularly attack one another with ease for the way they look and the things they like and do. It doesn't matter that they often don't know anything about the people they berate, nor does age seem to matter. I've seen people denigrating 16 year old Jaden Smith and 14 year old Willow Smith for their thoughts on the universe, simply because they didn't understand the higher energy concepts these children were speaking about. Social networkers have even gone so far as to chide young Jaden for wearing a dress. As someone who was forced to wear a uniform from kindergarten to twelfth grade, I can appreciate a young person who bucks societal "norms" and dares to erase rules laid out for him by ones who don't even know him. And did I mention these are children?

And what about the children? What effect does all of this ranking, demeaning, cruelty, and separation have on the youth? I'll tell you. They mimic that behavior. I work with some of the cruelest beings known to man...the middle schooler. Not only do they have irrational brains due to raging hormones and an "in between" lifestyle (in between being a child and a young adult), they still lack the filters that most adults acquire over the years. They are trying so hard to grow up, and the only way they can figure this out is by watching adults and doing what they do. Don't get me wrong, middle schoolers are also very insightful and thoughtful beings, but their quest during this time is to fit in and belong, so being themselves hardly seems an option because, let's face it, adolescence is an awkward time.

I listen to how these children talk to each other when they're friends and it makes me cringe. My biggest job is teaching them how to be kind again. Then I have to deal with the fallout of their words. There are 12 year olds who want to harm themselves because of the words spoken to them by their friends. Where do the children get this behavior and why do they think it's ok? I'll let you answer that yourself. 

It doesn't seem to matter, these days, what knowledge, talent, skills one might possess that can change the course of humanity. We seem to miss the fact that we are dealing with other human beings. Those who cite religious beliefs somehow overlook the basic tenets of their own faith in order to force everyone to live and believe as they do.

A new commandment I give you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are to love one another. John 13:34

 "O mankind! We created you from a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes that you may know and honor each other (not that you should despise one another). Indeed the most honorable of you in the sight of God is the most righteous." (Quran, 49:13)

Do not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will not share in his guilt. Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. (Torah: Leviticus 19:17-18) 

 I could go on with quotes from most religious texts and they will all have the same theme; love one another. If you are not religious at all, consider Chaos Theory:

Essentially, the theory looks at something called sensitive dependence on initial conditions. This means that even a very minute change in the initial conditions of a system can have dramatic effects on that system over time.To put this in more simple terms, consider a football team. Each individual player has a certain set of quantifiable skills at their position, skills which can be given a score. Summing the scores of all persons on a team, then comparing one team with the scores from another team should give a clear sense of the difference and thus predict the winner of a game between them. This is the linear way of looking at a team, only as the sum of its parts. However, there are many other sets of variables that come into play such as “team chemistry”, whether the game is played at home or away, experience playing with one another, the mood or attitude of an individual player or players, and on and on. These can and do lead to results that are different from those predicted by linear thinking.**

So, when you think you are bringing equilibrium to this "system" we've built with the behavior and laws that you believe will create the environment in which you desire to live, you are neglecting to consider the variables which could upset the outcome such as the beliefs, will, desires, attitudes, and fortitude of others. There are many other variables that can come into play that will skew the outcome because of the "sensitive dependence on initial conditions."

In other words, "all life is interrelated." We are interdependent upon one another to live at peace and harmony on this planet. Trying to force a group or even one person to bend to one's will, will inevitablly upset the balance of nature and eliminate the possibility of peace. All of this wicked  self serving behavior and attitudes serves no purpose but to harm the doer of the deed. "Whoever digs a pit will fall into it; if someone rolls a stone, it will roll back on them."Proverbs 26:27 

*http://www.archives.gov/education/lessons/civil-rights-act/

**http://www.physicsplanet.com/articles/chaos-theory-simplified

Cause and Effect...Make the Connections

It's puzzling to me how many people fail to see that everything is connected.  Causality, or cause and effect, alone connects people, actions, events. If someone at your job is fired, it will no doubt effect the way you work if new policy and procedure need to be put in place; how much you work if the terminated employee's work needs to be covered; or maybe just your lunch companion changes.

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect is a term used to describe how small changes to a seemingly unrelated thing or condition (also known as an initial condition) can affect large, complex systems.*  These connections are also recognized outside science, in an area many think is oppositional, spirituality. In Hindu philosophy, the law of cause and effect is integral. it's called Karma.

So it frustrates me when some people fail to see the connections between two or more events. I realize that many people compartmentalize their lives. They find ways to continue to be entertained, to consume, and to enjoy the "pleasures" of life, all the while separating them from the ugly, unjust, inhumane, and uncomfortable people or events to which they are bound. Somehow, people rationalize this separation saying that what a person/organization/institution said or did (or didn't) has nothing to do with the product they are selling. (I'm sure Indiana hopes more people would think this way...I know some food companies who support gmos do.)

Another example, Duke just won the NCAA championship and many people were rooting for them and cheering them on. No one on my social media feed even mentioned that four days ago, a noose was found hanging from a tree on Duke's campus. Sure, the student who hung the noose was identified and expelled, but this is not the first racist incident on an American university campus in recent weeks.

So, what does this have to do with people cheering on Duke in the championship? Of course you should root for the young people who worked hard for that achievement. You should also remember that those same youth, some of whom are African American, are students on that campus. Usually, where there is one roach, there are others. So, these students have to return to a campus to study with other students who may be harboring the same racist ideologies. But, people have rationalized that the problem is solved with the expulsion of the student. Why is no one calling for ,manditory racial sensitivity (at the very least) courses to be taught at universities across the country? I mean, those places are set up for education, how hard could it be to make it happen? Doing nothing can have as large an effect as doing something.

It occurred to me that when some people compartmentalize life in this way, it is easy for them because they have never experienced the pain or humiliation, of racism, sexism, or homophobia. There are those who, although they recognize these things are wrong and they would never condon or participate in them, it is difficult for them to empathize and have enough compassion to stand up and speak up against them because they have never experienced these things, and probably never will.

But Haile Selassie said, "Throughout history, it has been the inaction of those who could have acted; the indifference of those who should have known better; the silence of the voice of justice when it mattered most; that has made it possible for evil to triumph." Failing to make the connections keeps you silent. Silence condons the acts. Evil triumphs in the absence of condemnation.

*http://www.wisegeek.org/what-is-the-butterfly-effect.htm

Through Pain Comes New Life

Losing loved ones is never easy. It's especially hard when the loss is an ending of one kind of relationship like romantic or friendship because we know that person is still around and we don't get to have interaction with them. You see, most of us get the circle of physical life. These bodies we reside in don't live forever, so we can come to grips with physical life ending...eventually. But because we form attachments by nature, letting go of them is difficult.

It takes Buddhist philosophy to explain the perils of attachment. This is love, Buddha-style: 
"impartial to all, free from excessive attachment or false hope and expectation; accepting, tolerant, and forgiving. Buddhist non attachment doesn't imply complacence or indifference, or not having committed relationships or being passionately engaged with society, but rather has to do with our effort to defy change and resist the fact of impermanence and our mortality. By holding on to that which in any case is forever slipping through our fingers, we just get rope burn."(1)

You see, in order to have attachment you need two things: the attacher and the thing (or person) to which the attacher is attached. But, non attachment is the exact opposite of separation. It is unity, oneness. If you have unified with the whole universe, then there is nothing outside of you, and thus nothing to which to attach.

It may be easier for most of us to know we are all one, connected, than to feel it to the extent that we no longer form attachments. Thus, we go through this pain, feeling of loss while we try to get to that place. So in the meantime, there's another way of looking at so-called loss and the pain of it.

A fetus grows in its mothers womb for nine or so months. They are one, literally attached by the umbilical cord. The baby gets comfy, spending its time sleeping, eating, chilling. But as the baby grows, it becomes too big for the very space to which it is connected. So mommy, in all her wisdom, pushes the baby out when she feels it stretching for more space. This is a traumatic event for baby, and mommy. The birth canal is tight, mommy is squeezing, and the pain mommy is facing just to give baby enough space to grow is excruciating. But soon, baby emerges into this world with tons of space to grow and become who he/she is meant to be.

Loss of friendships can feel traumatizing and painful, and we may still not understand why things had to change once we're out of the womb. But with time, patience, and faith, our new worlds will take shape and all will be revealed. To all of the friends I have lost, I'm sorry for whatever I did or didn't do, I wish you well, and thank you for the push.









(1) http://www.katinkahesselink.net/tibet/love-quotes.html

The Business of Life

Birthdays always make me reflect on the past year to illuminate my lessons and growth. Sometimes lessons only become apparent to me when I step back and view them from another perspective. One day, someone I care about did something that made me feel unworthy of love and respect. I immediately checked myself saying, "you've got to stop outsourcing your self worth." The thought then came to me; if I ran my life like the top business people ran their businesses, I would probably end up more mentally, emotionally, and physically in the black. I then thought, why aren't I? I mean, my life is serious business, right? So, consider this my annual report.

1. I outsource my self worth- (I'm too dependent on others’ opinions of me)

I've spent far too much energy trying to please, impress, or get the attention or affections of other people. Usually my tactic has been to change, unconsciously, little things about the way I act, speak, dress, or anything else that I think will get others to love me or just like me. I, of course, am not able to change the true me and thus feel unworthy when I am revealed and eventually rejected.

The truth is, it's not other people's jobs to like me, that's my job. Plus, not everyone we meet is meant to like us, nor are we meant to like everyone we meet. If you don't fit the profile, move on to the next person. Keeping your self worth in your own hands strengthens the value of your company...you.

2.   Not enough faith in my product (I don’t believe in myself enough)

      Many of us don't give ourselves enough credit for our capabilities, our triumphs, or our resiliency. There's no reason each of us can't experience the peace, joy, and abundance we seek. We keep rejection, 'failures', and beliefs handed down to us by well meaning loved ones close enough to recall should we dare to stretch beyond our comfort zones. "To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." ~by William Arthur Ward 

Risk is part of business and life. But when you take stock of your gifts and match them with your passions, risks become calculated and a bit more viable.

3.  Not getting a good return on my investments (I give too much)

Women tend to have this problem often. We're usually nurturers and so our instinct is to give until it hurts us. Giving is great. I think we should give more than we take (take, not receive). But, some people are uncomfortable with receiving when they feel they can't match and return the gift. Even if you don't expect anything in return, the receiver may feel an imbalance in the relationship and pull away. Worse are the people who take advantage of your kindness and generosity and end up using you. 

The key is balance. Let's say you were investing in a young person's future. Would you pay four years worth of tuition in the first year, or would you pay year to year, or semester to semester waiting to see if the young person thrives or even decides to continue their education? It may sound manipulative, but it's really just pacing.

4.   I don’t hold my board accountable for my expectations of them (I give too many chances to those who wrong me)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. This isn't about forgiveness. We should absolutely forgive, for our own sakes. This is about knowing when to say when. Like with giving, some people will continue to try to get away with as much as they can as long as you let them. We teach people how to treat us. We should let our expectations be known and hold others to those standards. If they are unable to hold up their ends, forgive them and terminate the relationship.

5.  I don’t know my true market (I sometimes choose the wrong company) 

Like any business, you have to know your market. We are the sum of the five people with whom we spend the most time. If you are choosing the company of those who don't support your dreams and ideas, or who don't respect who you are, you are marketing yourself to the wrong demographic. You may admire people for different reasons, but that doesn't mean they are a good match for your companionship.

Well there you have it, my annual report. I hope by this time next year these lessons have been mastered and my dividends (peace, love, joy, abundance in all areas of my life) have increased exponentially. I'm not perfect, but I believe true perfection is in striving diligently for it.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven"

I believe that at some point in every one's life, we reach an age where we are ready to receive (or remember) some vital knowledge about how to best maneuver through life. That age is different for everyone depending on his/her experiences, knowledge and willingness to receive said knowledge. Willingness is important because often times we might have to do things differently and think differently, which can be a challenge. Some people never open themselves up to receive this "awakening" because change can be difficult. But I believe we all reach that door.

For the last few months, I've been receiving this transmission. It's funny because for the last five years I thought I was already receiving and figuring things out. But apparently, that was just prep time. I was merely connecting the receiver. I'm sure that I'm receiving now because of the contentment that has washed over me even when things that used to send me spiraling into anger, fear or sadness occur. I feel more grounded.

What the heck am I talking about, right? Well, since January, I've been focusing on me; not in a selfish way, but in a calculated purpose driven way. You see, I'm a giver, a people pleaser, a mediator. In the past, being these things meant putting my own needs and desires on the back burner. It also meant feeling sorry for myself, blaming others for my lack, unhappiness, and feelings, both good and bad. Now that I am focusing on myself, I have a different perspective about everything.

It began with my determination to bring more stability to my life both financially and emotionally. At work, I stopped relying on only what came naturally to obtain moderate success and decided to push myself to do things I subconsciously feared I couldn't do to achieve maximum success. I'm not just speaking of financial success (although that is included) but also doing the work that I now accept as my talent in a way that has maximum benefit for those I serve. I know that if I show enough belief in myself and ideas, others will have belief in me too.

This required digging deep and figuring out why I dismiss great ideas and try not to over extend myself. There was only one answer: FEAR. In my personal life, I have had no problem over extending myself or putting my ideas out there for all to judge. But I was often met with rejection, disappointment, and regret (I hate that word). I began to understand that it wasn't any one's fault but my own that I allowed others opinions and actions to dictate how I proceed with my life.

Just because someone may think that I am unworthy, for whatever reasons, doesn't mean that I am. Believing them is blaming them for my fear and takes the focus off of the part I play in my own life. I would get upset because people didn't see the me that I know that I am. But they didn't see me because I didn't let them. Now, some of those people have a view of me that is not me at all. There are people, however, who when I meet them see something special in me, and they show me to myself. Sometimes the people who "know" you the longest or "know" a lot of things about you, don't really know you at all.

I accepted these views of me and stopped dead in my tracks thinking I needed to "fix" myself. The truth is, I blamed others for making me feel that I couldn't do or be who I already am. By focusing on myself, I take criticism as feedback, and if I find it to be false, I mentally feed it back to where it came from. I finally see that people have their own stuff going on and some of it can spill on me during daily interactions. It's not their fault for not seeing it, but it's not mine either...anymore.

I've essentially turned the mirror inward to see myself more clearly and to reflect my inner light back on myself as a reminder of who I really am. I push myself past my comfort zone, I let go of old habits and desires, and I take each moment as it comes. Now I'm not all "life is a bowl of cherries" positive all of the time. I accept my negative feelings when they happen. But I live in the "moment" and a moment is a very short time. I have read that a moment is roughly 90 seconds, so I try not to dwell in those negative feelings too much past that amount of time. I am content with my life as it is because I know I am now doing my very best and what it yields is what it yields. 

I am hopeful without being unrealistic, yet I have not lost my altruism (a trait of mine that many have called naivete). I am introspective in a more constructive way. Instead of focusing on what I did wrong, I focus on what I can do better next time. I am forgiving in a more useful way. Instead of thinking the person had a bad moment, I understand that there are issues that person has to work out and the offense may occur again until they do. I just have to decide if I want to deal with it again.

When all is said and done, I guess this point in my life where I am receiving these insights means I am maturing again. I think we mature in stages rather that all at once. Wisdom comes with readiness rather than age. I liken it to a pitcher in baseball. He has a number of pitches in his arsenal, but he doesn't bring his best pitch until the time is right.

2014 Wrap Up: Lessons

This time of year I always reflect on the preceding months and mostly give thanks that I'm still here, but also take note of the lessons I've learned. It's always good to take inventory of your lessons and store them in a place in your brain where you can easily access them...lest you forget.

I spent the greater part of 2014 in a deep depression, It has been a strange roller coaster ride that began in a deep pit at the end of 2013 with a slow climb throughout 2014. I was hurt, grieving, heartbroken, financially weakened, taken for granted, and lonely. I lost friendships, became very ill,saw one of my idols pass,witnessed great tragedies world wide, and saw the beginning of a great movement (or two).

Despite all of this, I've learned great lessons and I am on the upside of this climb.One of the most important things I learned was that I do not want to waste anymore time or energy on things or people that do not uplift me either mentally, spiritually or emotionally. The phrase "Thinking of yourself is not selfish, not thinking of others is" kept popping up on social media. It reminds me of an analogy from air travel that I always use. Life is like the flight attendant says, 'put your mask on first before helping others.' How can you help someone else in need if your own safety is in jeopardy?

The real lesson, well, more like a revelation, came to me after I began a new job. Out of the blue, I suddenly learned acceptance. I had been struggling with life like someone trying to walk against a strong wind. I kept pushing against it trying to force my way down a path that clearly wasn't meant for me. I've struggled to "fit in," be heard as someone with something worth hearing or seen as someone who is beautiful and worth knowing. I've struggled with acquiring a life that I was told I should have and thought I wanted, and maybe I do want but I certainly can live happily another way. But it was as if the hand of God or the universe stopped me in my tracks, turned me around and told me to go with the wind.

We grow up hearing that we need to do this, then that, then find this to live happily ever after. We're fed fairy tales to illustrate how life is supposed to go (and it never does) and we buy into it, But maybe we don't all fill our cups with the same stuff, i.e., great wealth, a beautiful spouse and lovely children. Maybe some of us fill our cups with adventures to exciting places, friends from varying backgrounds, or brief but extraordinary love affairs. Perhaps our cups are meant to be filled with a substance made especially for us.

So, I've stopped pushing against the wind. I no longer strive to get people to love me or even like me. I can fully be who I am because who I am is good enough...or even better! I have opened my eyes to see all of those people who do see and hear me and love what they see and hear. I admit at first I thought it was apathy, which I did not want. Then I realized that it wasn't that I didn't care, I was just ok with what other people are able to give.  People don't always intentionally withhold kindness, attention, or love. Sometimes they are just giving the best they have at that time. I can't ask for more than that.

I'm grateful for this epiphany because it means that I don't have to change who I am and give less love, in order to protect myself from harm. By accepting people (myself included) and situations that I can't change, as they are, I can let go of expectations and the desire for more from them. More can be gotten in many places to fill my cup...and I intend to fill it. May your cup runneth over in 2015.

Tell the Children the Truth

I've waited to make this post, waited until I had something thoughtful and/or compelling to say about the events and the reactions to them that are occurring in the U.S. I am, of course referring to the two grand jury decisions to not indict the murderers of Michael Brown and Eric Garner. I still haven't formulated the perfect thought, mostly because my brain is in a haze and my emotions are swirling like a funnel cloud.I've read many articles that better articulate what I would like to say, but there are some points that haven't been mentioned. 

I work around black children, men and women in an educational situation daily. I see young black boys dutifully doing their homework with hopes of a promising future, loving parents checking in on their behavior when they pick them up, and intelligent caring men organizing activities that will shape young minds. What I don't see or rather hear is a discussion about racism in America, police violence or the protests that have followed.

Any educational institution that is not ensuring that its students are informed, having thoughtful conversations, or at the very least have a safe, positive forum in which to express themselves is doing the students, this country, and our future a huge disservice. Anyone who cannot see that this country is at a crossroads, a critical juncture not seen in this country since the civil rights era, is seriously deluded or has his/her head in the sand.

We are in the midst of another big civil rights movement. Civil rights movements are occurring all of the time, but this one is on a grander scale, like the one that happened in the 50's and 60's. The difference this time is that Americans of all races are deeply entrenched in the fight, and they have support from all over the world. This is no longer a black issue, it is a human rights issue.

Young people, hopefully, have much more of the future in front of them and should therefore have their eyes open as they witness this shift. They should have a say and be informed enough to express themselves. Humans never want to upset children with the truth. They've invented Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy and a slew of Disney characters in order to delay reality for as long as possible. Perhaps we should stop looking at reality as a negative. 

Telling the children the truth about what's going on in America right now is an opportunity to teach compassion, foster empathy, and enable them to begin to think critically. It will also, of course, prepare them.  The thought that stays in the forefront of my mind is that too many people are unable to put themselves in another's shoes and imagine their pain. This,in turn, inhibits compassion. What will become of this world without compassion? The only thing I can see happening is a complete disregard for life...hmmm, seems like we're there.

Bring the children in on this conversation because this is happening to them too. This is their past, present, and future. I'm telling you I have talked to some thoughtful youth who could teach us all a great deal. Tell the children the truth.

Tis the Season?

When I was a little girl, I used to wake up on Christmas morning and whisper "happy birthday Jesus," because I thought Christmas day was a celebration of Christ's birth. The night before, was at church playing Mary in the nativity play or (ridiculously) dressed in a beenie with matching scarf and gloves...in L.A., singing Christmas carols. Those are the memories that first come to mind when I think of  Christmas during my childhood. Of course I remember waking up to tons of presents and getting most of what I asked for and then some too! But as I got older (and realized my family's financial state) I didn't need so many things. Now I don't celebrate at all.

Yesterday I saw on the news how in one mall, a woman dressed like, Mrs. Claus I guess, was asking people to name all of Santa's reindeer for a coupon. Many people were able to do so. I thought to myself, 'I wonder if they can name all of the Apostles.' They then cut to scenes from a store where people were literally trampling over one another...just to get in the store...and fighting over big screen tvs. Wow, is this Christmas?

Some say the idea of gift giving during Christmas came from the Magi bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to the baby Jesus. Seems like we should be giving gifts to Jesus since it's his day. How would Christians give gifts to Jesus in 2014?

Well, in the bible Matthew 25: 35-36 Jesus says
'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and            you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36 I was naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.'
And he continues in verse 40 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

So, Jesus has told you what to get him for Christmas...help those in need....and no one NEEDS a 60" tv. If you can't manage that, why not at least focus on spending time with loved ones without worrying about spending a bunch of money on elaborate gifts AND dinner. The amount of food people buy for one meal could feed a small family for 2 weeks...why not do that for someone in need. Remember the "reason for the season."

It's Hard, but It's Fair

"It's hard, but it's fair." That's something an ex of mine used to say. People would always get a little perturbed because they couldn't understand how something that was hard could also be fair. I admit I couldn't see it myself for a while, but years after we broke up, his meaning, at least what I gleaned from the statement, is becoming a little clearer. What's fair is not always easy, especially if fairness considers the greater good.

I think that sometimes in life, if we want what we think is fair, what we believe we deserve, we have to make some hard choices. Some things cannot exist in the same space. For example, if we want to be healthy, we may have to give up unhealthy habits such as junk food, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. A healthy body often cannot exist in the same space as certain bad habits. In other words, sometimes in order to get what we desire, we have to get out of our own way.

If you desire something or some situation in your life, it may be necessary to make room for it. If we are unable or unwilling to do this, yet we still make supplications to the Universe or a higher power, the Universe/higher power will do it for us. We are creators, but I think we are more like the architects who come up with the design, how we envision our lives, but the Universe/higher power takes care of the building..how the design comes together. 

If in order to build our desires, we must first tear down some realities, the Universe/higher power will send us "memos" or signs to do so. But make no mistake, if we fail to comply, the builders will procede with demolition because they want us to have what we desire. This may mean dismantling relationships, jobs, living situations, etc. in order to replace them with what we have ordered. If you desire to be happy, perhaps the Universe/higher power knows that happiness and your current mate, friend, job, etc. cannot exist in the same space.

It's a little easier if we take heed to the memos and take to clearing a way on our own. The best ways I can think of to do this is to take stock of your life often and listen to your intuition. Here's some tips:

Reveiw your current relationships/friendships/situations

1. Are your relationships balanced?
    a. Are you giving more than you receive be it material things, emotionally, energy wise?
    b. Do you find yourself giving more chances than you get? Is forgiveness followed by changed behavior,          or are the offenses repeated?
2. Do you feel the same about the person, job, home, etc. as you did in the beginning?
     a. Are you staying because it is comfortable, safe, or familiar?
     b. Does the person or people involved feel the same about you?
     c. Are you drained or energized by your interactions?
3. Are you growing, becoming stagnant, or regressing?
     
When we envision the things or people that we believe will make us happy, we only have our own knowledge and experience to go on. But the Universe/higher power has EVERYTHING/EVERYONE to go on. The builders may know of materials that will better give us our desired outcome than what we ordered. 

Understanding this, I now understand the phrase "It's hard, but it's fair." Letting go of people, things, or situations can be hard, but it may be necessary in order to make room for what we truly desire..and that's fair, isn't it?

Climbing Out of the Pit of Depression: A Personal Story

Beloved readers, this post is much more personal than my usual posts. I am finally finding the courage to share something that I've been going through in the hopes that it will help someone else. I always try to write the pain out, but in this blog, I tend to hold back. I always try to be positive and/or solution oriented here, but I have struggled to do both or either, so I redacted a great deal. People expect me to be positive and so I try to acquiesce. But now that I am on the tail end of this trying time, I have a bit more perspective.

For the past nine months I have been going through a severe depression. It began with a loss of a close loved one and spiraled from there. I now realize that a great deal of that came from a severe vitamin D deficiency (being vegan puts me at an even greater risk-check your levels fellow vegans!) That may explain why I couldn't really verbalize exactly why I was so sad. I did, by the way, tell a few friends that I was depressed, but that's when I realized that most people don't know how to help a person in this situation.

Yes, I thought of seeking professional help, and still may, but I've always believed that loved ones could easily do what psychologists get paid to do. I also did not want someone giving me a "magic pill" to mask the issue, not to mention that seeing a therapist of any sort is taboo in the African American culture. I knew I wasn't suicidal, so I figured I'd power through it. It's interesting, when one is depressed but not suicidal, people seem to expect you to just choose to be happy.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have various different tools to reconnect with my joy or to get through trials. I employed them all and even found new ones. I could usually get a few hours of reprieve from the sadness, but it would return. Even music became a temporary fix. I am a gregarious person. Even though I can be shy in some social situations, I'd much rather be in the company of others during these times than alone. Even if I'm just observing, I am able to soak up positive and happy vibes and feel better. It works the other way too, of course. If I am around negative energy of any sort, those emotions attach themselves to me.

After Robin Williams committed suicide, I was struck with such a fear for those out there who were going through what I, and apparently Robin Williams, had been going through and were struggling to find a stronghold. At that time, however, I did not have the strength or the answers to give in order to help. I'm still not sure I have the answers for those struggling. I do have advice for those of you who may have loved ones who are suffering:

1. Check on people regularly and delve deeper into answers like I'm "fine," "ok," "alright," and even "good." Ask them specific questions about what's going on with them. "Good" just may mean better than yesterday which was horrible. Or, maybe they are just trying not to be a "downer."

2. Take the time to spend some time. Even if the person chooses not to speak about what's bothering them (they may not always have an answer) time spent in the company of others remembering the simple joys of life can take them away, if only for a short time, from their depression.

3. Be kind to everyone. I'm sure you've seen many memes that talk about how you never know what a person is going through, and it's true. Everyone we encounter has things going on in their lives we know nothing about. If we are mindful to be kind and gentle with one another, we may make some one's day a little easier to get through.

4. DO NOT CHASTISE THEM FOR FEELING SAD-You may not even think of yourself as chastising when you tell them that they should try being grateful for what they have. I've learned from experience that you can be grateful for all the things and people in your life and still not be able to shake the sadness. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You can want and try to be happy but still feel sadness sitting in the pit of your stomach like a lump of coal. 

5. Don't wash over their feelings like they are just having a bad day. A bad day for you may be things not going well at work. Sometimes a "bad day" from a depressed person is not being able to smile through the pain that has been going on for months.  

6. Don't call them selfish. Yes, they are thinking only of themselves, but when you are in this state, selfishness becomes a biological imperative. 

For those of you who may be struggling with depression, I implore you to reach out to someone, anyone, even a stranger, and express your sadness. Sometimes being able to just get it out in the open makes you feel lighter. Find your tools, things that bring you joy, and use them often...even if they are only temporary fixes. It's good to be able to remember how to be happy and that you can be happy.

We need to be gentle with each other. We need to be mindful of each other's lives. Robin Williams showed us that even a person who can make so many others' lives happier need the same in return. Lastly, hug each other.  It's been proven that hugs can change your biology and your psychology.Give good, strong hugs that convey love and care. I am grateful to be on my way out of this dark time. I ask forgiveness from those who may not have gotten my best. I ask for patience from you as I climb back into the seat of happiness and reflect the light. I send love and strength to those of you still in pit of it. I'm here for you.

 

 

Wisdom From A Dream

Last night I had a powerful dream. I was in the desert at night sitting around a campfire with a group of people whose faces I didn't see but I knew I knew them. There was a Native American elder telling stories. The first story he told was of a man who spent his life searching for gold. One day he came upon a cave with several chests. One chest stood out because it had a golden sheen. He went to open it but it was locked, so he took out his tools and spent many hours attempting to unlock it. 

Meanwhile, the chest next to it which was made of splintering wood and had rusted hinges was unlocked. Inside it was diamonds, pearls, and rubies of tremendous value. But the man overlooked that chest and went about trying to unlock the other. As night fell, the man grew tired and decided to rest. When leaned against the wall, he noticed that the chest he had been working on was actually made of mirrored glass that had been reflecting the sun peering through and opening in the roof of the cave. He took a stone and smashed the chest open only to find that it was empty. Dejected, the man left the cave and continued his search...leaving the unnoticed chest full of jewels behind.

The elder said, "The treasure you seek may be disguised but it is not hidden. You must open every chest to get to the heart of the matter." Then he instructed us to look into the fire and he tossed a stick into it and said, "See how the fire burns stronger with just a little fuel? But the flame must be fed."

He continued with another story about a man who travelled the world seeking wisdom. He visited all of the known spiritual masters for counsel, but they all told him the same thing, "The wisdom you seek is already within you." The man was dissatisfied with this answer and continually replied, "If the wisdom was within me, I would not have travelled all of these miles seeking it!" The man became weary on his journey and sat on the side of a road under a tree weeping when another traveler came upon him. The traveler asked the man, "Why are you so sad dear friend?" The man replied, " I have travelled many miles the whole world around seeking wisdom from all of the great masters but none can tell me anything except 'the wisdom you seek is within you.' Can they not see I am not wise?" The traveller replied, of course they can because they know that  one who possesses much wisdom has it in the heart, not on the lips and one head does not contain all the wisdom. Listen to your heart."

The Native elder then said,"Our first teacher is our own heart." Then he instructed us to look into the fire again and said, "See how the twigs burn but the rocks beneath it absorb the fire and retain the heat. We must not be the fuel for the fire, but allow the fire to grow hot within us."

The final story he told I had already heard, then again it was my dream. He told the story of a man who heard the voice of God speak to him. The voice said, "See the large bolder at the bottom of that hill? Go and push it." The man was a spiritual and faithful servant and so he did as he was told by the Great Spirit. Everyday for months the man push the bolder all day making little progress. His muscles ached but grew, and his skin, bathed in daily sun, became tough and leathery. One day, exasperated, the man cried out, "Oh Great Spirit, I honor You, I have tried to do what you asked but I am not strong enough to push this bolder up that hill. Why have You given me such an impossible task?" Then the Great Spirit replied, "My son, you are a loyal servant and you have indeed done all I asked. I never asked you to push the bolder up the hill, I only asked you to push it! Look at how your muscles have grown and how much more power you have! See how tough your skin is because of the sun baking it daily! You are now strong enough for what is to come."

The elder then said to us, "Not every task will yield the results you expect, but you will grow stronger for it." He instructed us one last time to look into the fire. "Is the fire hot enough? How will you test it? Will you put your hand in it? Surely it is hot enough to burn your skin." Then he threw another small stick into the fire and said, "It is not your job to judge how hot the fire is. It is only your job to feed it. The fire will be hot enough...it is fire! Your only job is to keep it burning."

I woke up and wrote down all I had remembered because this was a rare and powerful dream. I think I have learned the lessons within it, but if I forget, I have it writing now! I know for sure that I must keep the fire burning by feeding it. I think the fire is passion and the fuel or wood can be many things; family, friends, love, music, knowledge, wisdom. I feel like my Father The Mighty King was speaking directly to me...just when I needed it. I hope this helps you too. 

Pay Attention

In my lifetime, I have personally known at least two people who have committed suicide and one whose death left questions. I have had fewer than six degrees of separation from many others, and who knows how many have attempted. Is this normal? Are we ok with it being normal if it is?  At this moment in the world, devastating events are occurring that could (and should) have huge affect on our emotions and psyche. Are we paying enough attention to one another to make sure we're all ok?

I'm going to get very personal. I have been dealing with loss and stress, and I feel particularly sensitive to the tragedies occurring around the world. I have too much reverence for life and those I would leave behind to take my own life, but I've been depressed nonetheless. I try to always be positive, even fake it until I make it if I must. I have, however, shared my feelings with a couple of people whom I feel close to, but I realize that people don't always know what to say in these situations. So they usually say and do nothing.

Sometimes words aren't enough anyway, but checking in and spending time can do wonders. It shows people they are cared for and reminds them about the joys of life. We, as a society, have a tendency to get lost in our own world, to hear and not listen, or to believe that others deal with life the same way that we do. In other words, our compassion gets distracted. 

This is a time for us to draw closer to one another. We need to combine our collective consciousness to not only raise the planet's vibration to a higher frequency, but to raise one another's spirits as well. I've said it time and time again, but now more than ever we should check in with one another and really see how we're all doing. Don't be too reticent to reach out, even to those we don't really know. Increase your compassion, even to levels that are almost uncomfortable. Share your strength, your positive energy, your love. We are in this together. What happens to one happens to all. Be mindful.

What are we missing?

It is a common myth that we only use 10% of our brains. We use our entire brains, just not all at once. Different parts of the brain serve different functions, and a small percentage of brain damage can be catastrophic.  Perhaps we believe we only use such a small portion of our brains because of all of the things we miss on a daily basis. But it's really a matter of being conscious, aware, and in the moment. It takes greater concentration to see all the things we miss moment to moment. So what are we missing?

How many sunrises and sunsets have each of us actually seen? When the scent of Jasmin permeates the air, do we take notice of the flower that is giving off the scent? What are we missing? Do we see the pain behind a smile? Can we hear the sadness in a laugh or feel the loneliness in a hug? What are we missing?

Do we notice the homeless on the streets anymore? Do we recognize when clothes, cars, houses, and other possessions are masks to hide an unhappy reality? What are we missing? Are we aware of how many beautiful spirits we have rejected for beautiful faces? Have we noticed the low self esteem behind the beautiful faces? What are we missing?

When we fight, do we miss the pain or remorse wrapped in harsh words? When children act out/misbehave, can we hear the cry for love? What are we missing? If we meet those who are seemingly our polar opposites. do we take a moment to see our commonalities? Is the other side of the world so much different from our own? What are we missing?

Can we see the deception behind the facade of flattery and niceties? Can we feel the sincere caring in correction? What are we missing? Does the person dressed in name brand clothing driving a luxury vehicle have more integrity and decency than the one wearing hand me downs and taking the bus? What are we missing?

When we read, do we form our own thoughts and opinions on the subject, or do we take the author's point of view? Do we read anymore? What are we missing? Do we listen to what is and isn't being said taking note of body language, tone of voice, and the source? Do we just hear words and let our own personal experiences be the judge? What are we missing?

Are we listening to our inner voices, the feeling in our guts? Are we listening to others' opinions instead of our own? What are we missing? Do we realize the miracles of being alive, making meaningful connections, the ability to change in every way? Are we taking the miracles around us for granted? What are we missing?

What, indeed, are we missing? We use our entire brains, but we are usually unaware when certain parts of our brains are enacted because they are automatic. We often move through life the same way. 'How are you?' becomes merely a greeting, the answer 'I'm fine' becomes rote, and many often don't really listen to the answer, rather, they hear a response and move on to the next topic. Routine blocks out the beauty of nature or the tragedy of man, and belief systems handed down to us prevents open hearts, open thoughts, free choice, and free spirits. 

Although the brain has parts we need not pay attention to, if we fail to take care of ourselves, we risk damaging the brain. We've become numb, almost robotic, and our vision both physical and spiritual has been tunneled leaving us heartless, apathetic, and unfulfilled. This life we are given has strings attached, and these strings are connections
to every living thing.  When we fail to take care of these connections we risk damaging them. We use our entire brains. All we need to do is pay attention.

Move Like a Queen

I was inspired to do this post because whenever I check the stats on my posts, one has always been viewed each week. When I check the overall views for all of my posts, "Think Like a Queen"  (read it here) posted in April of 2012 has received far more views than the rest. This got me thinking, maybe this conversation isn't over yet.

Now I realize that search words led viewers to my blog, and I have no idea if my words had a positive impact on the readers. But the impetus for continuing this conversation is the fact that people are seeking to learn how queens think. I don't claim to be an expert, I am just relaying my experiences, both observed and lived, of what is recognized by others as queenly. 

I believe that a queen can be summed up as having words, thoughts, and actions that have emerged from a sole purpose: love. Nowadays, people have talked about 'showing love,' 'being love,' or 'having love' so much that it has become a concept of "new aged" thinking. But there's nothing new about love. It has been around longer than anything else. The universe has developed harmoniously and with perfection and respect for all life...and that's love. When a person has the intention to be kind, thoughtful, considerate, and respectful to all life, everything he/she does is loving. 

A queen will choose her words wisely and with the intent to strengthen, build up, uplift, guide, sooth, educate or correct. Her words, although they may sometimes chide, will be well meaning and with the purpose of creating harmony. She is careful to not only be kind, but precise in her meaning. She will be gentle but stern when needed, truthful yet positive, and her timing will be impeccable. 

She will be conscious of her emotions and not allow them to dictate her actions. She will, in fact, act purposefully rather than react rashly. Her movements are purposely made to help not hinder. She is cautious not to upset perfect balance, yet bold enough to bring order out of chaos. She knows the power of her femininity and shows restraint with it. The truth of who she is is always evident, yet she saves the mystery of what makes her unique for a select few. 

As trials come in every life, so a queen is not immune. Trials for a queen, however, become a step raising her closer to the heavens. She endures trials with quiet grace and burgeoning faith knowing that each wound, when healed, will leave behind tougher skin. A queen will always find a way to grow from trials and will readily share what she has learned so that others do not have to suffer the same fate.

I've seen some of these qualities in myself, but more so in other women whom I admire. I admit, it is not easy to always think, act, and speak like a queen. But I have always believed that perfection is the act of striving for perfection. Intention is far more powerful than mindless habit. So practice makes perfect. These are just a few of my humble thoughts and observations. More love royal ones.