Lessons from Loss

This year began and ended with loss for me. I've been meditating on this loss for the past ten days trying to find a lesson, a nugget of wisdom, or some big picture perspective. Sitting next to the heater trying to warm my body, my heart was the first to melt and my "aha" moment came. I have not experienced loss, but an opportunity to acknowledge my gain.

Two very special people in my life have transitioned this year and I was devastated. When people pass, we often reflect on their lives and our time with them. It is in this reflection that I remember my blessings. The love, lessons, laughter, and memories that we shared have played a huge part in making me who I am today. I am thankful for that time and it will remain with me always.

What I have lost is regret for loving those who were unable to return that love. Each of them has brought something special to my life by being people who were lovable. Having regret for loving them puts conditions on love and turns it into something else...fear. We fear not being loved or not being able to love because a person is simply being who they are. We want to change them or give them rules for being part of our lives which really illuminates the fact that we don't actually love them we love who we wish they were.

I have also lost the desire to stifle myself or my love simply because it makes others uncomfortable. Life is but a breath and we waste each breath we take when we try to be who others want or think we should be. We waste precious time when we dislike or disrespect ourselves because we do not look, act, think, or speak how others say is best. Likewise, I have no desire to put those judgments on others. What is best for me may not be best for you, and vice versa. I love openly and sometimes recklessly because love is unchained, immeasurable and free. Because of the way I love, I know my loved ones know I love them.

I no longer need to hold on to people who don't appreciate or want me in their lives because none of us needs to suffer. Keeping such people in my life is abusive to me and to them. I will free us both from punishment for whatever we subconsciously feel we need to be punished.

Finally, I have lost my forgetfulness of the blessings I have in my life. There are many and they should get my focus, because although certain loved ones have moved forward and are no longer physically here, they have remained in my mind, spirit and heart. So my meditation is no longer on loss, but on what I have gained from these beautiful souls. More love, more life.

After Winter Must Come Spring

With winter only seven days away (though freezing temperatures lately suggests it's already here!) I recall the symbolism the season evokes. The cheerful sun seems to be taken captive by the uncertainty of grey clouds and the biting chill in the air forces us to seek shelter and warmth. Harsh times are always synonymous with winter; worthy of retreat, a time to take cover.

I'm reminded of John Steinbeck's The Winter of Our Discontent, a story about a man of honesty and integrity who makes questionable choices in order to regain his lost fortune and standing in his community. When faced with our personal winters, when we feel the need to run for cover, hibernate, or find alternative means to guard us from the cold harsh storms of our lives, certain choices present themselves which if taken, can cost us dearly.

Our fight or flight instincts kick in as we go into survival mode. Degrees of survival techniques can range from stashing away cash for a rainy day to stomaching a travelling companion's thigh (ok a little dramatic). What's key is to recognize which situations call for which techniques. When our lives seem to spin on their axes away from the sun bringing the colder sides of reality to the forefront, it can appear to be a crisis of grand proportions. We are tempted to make choices we otherwise would not. Our thoughts zoom in on our own personal survival, and consequences may take a back seat.

It is always wise to take a moment or two to assess the situation and weigh the consequences of each choice, and we always have choices. Making rash, potentially selfish or detrimental decisions during our "winter of discontent," could leave us in worse condition than when we started. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems and change always comes.

As life evolves with the seasons, the world can be a cold place that chills us to the bone, and our hearts, if we let it. What we must remember is that the world keeps on spinning, changes continue to occur and after winter comes spring. So we can flee to warmer climates, chop our houses down and use them for firewood, or we can use every resource from thermal underwear to earmuffs to keep us warm until spring returns. Just remember, spring will return.

On the Matter of Living Freely

 Lessons unlearned have a way of repeating themselves until you learn them. It's the universe's nice little self-paced course in navigating life. One lesson I am finally beginning to learn is that others' opinion of me is of no consequence to the forwarding of my progress. Don't get me wrong, it is beneficial to have a good name, but that is achieved by good deeds. What others say or think about you is, however, subjective and therefore unreliable.

No matter how hard I have tried in the past to please others and be seen as good, honest, loving, and sincere, I have often missed the mark. My tendency is to work harder on myself believing this phenomena must be my fault. But I am realizing that the harder I try, the more people expect from me. It's as though good isn't great and therefore good seems bad. So the trick is to push forward knowing who I am and what I am capable of regardless of the criticism or the accolades.

Yes, praise is also unreliable. There may be an agenda behind them, strings attached, or momentary euphoria that will dissipate. Allow the good feeling that comes with compliments to strengthen your resolve, but do not rely on them as an accurate assessment of how one feels about you. Acknowledge your strengths and build upon them.

Criticism can break your stride, your heart, and your spirit...if you allow it to do so. Often criticism, even "constructive" criticism is based on someone else's ideals, past hurts, lack of full knowledge of you, jealousy, or an inaccurate assessment of the situation. Intention is often ignored and the whole of a person and their deeds overlooked. How often have the fifty "good" things you have said or done been erased by the one "bad" thing you say or do? I put good and bad in quotes because those definitions are subject to interpretation in any given circumstance.

So personally, the key to living freely is not giving weight to either praise or reproof. Know thyself, who you truly are at the core, your intentions, your thoughts,your capabilities, and your worth. This is not to say that one should not reflect on his/her own behavior. We should constantly turn the mirror on ourselves...especially in regards to how we view others. Our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. With regards to praise and criticism, it is sometimes not what we say but how we say it. Since what we see is a reflection of who we are, perhaps the phrasing "what you said/did made me feel ____"  is an appropriate expression to use. True freedom comes from within, not from others.