Move Like a Queen

I was inspired to do this post because whenever I check the stats on my posts, one has always been viewed each week. When I check the overall views for all of my posts, "Think Like a Queen"  (read it here) posted in April of 2012 has received far more views than the rest. This got me thinking, maybe this conversation isn't over yet.

Now I realize that search words led viewers to my blog, and I have no idea if my words had a positive impact on the readers. But the impetus for continuing this conversation is the fact that people are seeking to learn how queens think. I don't claim to be an expert, I am just relaying my experiences, both observed and lived, of what is recognized by others as queenly. 

I believe that a queen can be summed up as having words, thoughts, and actions that have emerged from a sole purpose: love. Nowadays, people have talked about 'showing love,' 'being love,' or 'having love' so much that it has become a concept of "new aged" thinking. But there's nothing new about love. It has been around longer than anything else. The universe has developed harmoniously and with perfection and respect for all life...and that's love. When a person has the intention to be kind, thoughtful, considerate, and respectful to all life, everything he/she does is loving. 

A queen will choose her words wisely and with the intent to strengthen, build up, uplift, guide, sooth, educate or correct. Her words, although they may sometimes chide, will be well meaning and with the purpose of creating harmony. She is careful to not only be kind, but precise in her meaning. She will be gentle but stern when needed, truthful yet positive, and her timing will be impeccable. 

She will be conscious of her emotions and not allow them to dictate her actions. She will, in fact, act purposefully rather than react rashly. Her movements are purposely made to help not hinder. She is cautious not to upset perfect balance, yet bold enough to bring order out of chaos. She knows the power of her femininity and shows restraint with it. The truth of who she is is always evident, yet she saves the mystery of what makes her unique for a select few. 

As trials come in every life, so a queen is not immune. Trials for a queen, however, become a step raising her closer to the heavens. She endures trials with quiet grace and burgeoning faith knowing that each wound, when healed, will leave behind tougher skin. A queen will always find a way to grow from trials and will readily share what she has learned so that others do not have to suffer the same fate.

I've seen some of these qualities in myself, but more so in other women whom I admire. I admit, it is not easy to always think, act, and speak like a queen. But I have always believed that perfection is the act of striving for perfection. Intention is far more powerful than mindless habit. So practice makes perfect. These are just a few of my humble thoughts and observations. More love royal ones.

Lunchtime Reflections

I'm certain there's something going on in the cosmos that's inspiring these existential thoughts to be so at the forefront of my mind I have to take my lunch break to get it out. It occurs to me, quite often in fact, that all of the people we encounter in a single day, even the ones we think we know well, are really just mysterious creatures with a myriad of unseen facets.

We never really know what wheels are turning in a person's head, or what makes his or her heart ache or smile. We only know what people choose to let us know. I know that for me personally, there is no single person to whom I tell everything. In fact, there are things I know, think, feel, or have experienced that no one knows about. 

How, then, do we expect to really know someone? Well, we probably can't completely know someone. We are so conditioned by media or past experiences, to expect things/people to come in certain packages, so that when we see a package that we think is familiar, we put a label on it. We don't leave much room for people to reveal who they really are. Fear of judgement for either not looking as expected, or the pain of failure to be what is expected often causes us to conceal a huge part of who we really are.

So we smile and pretend we're not hurting, or maybe we feign being angry rather than cry. We play dumb in situations where we know we have insight because it is better than being belittled. How many times have you said something to someone and they blew you off and someone else told them the same thing and it became gospel?

This isn't some new revelation. I realize we are all aware that we don't know everything about each other. But, if we want to know each other better, we have to reveal ourselves to each other. That means trusting and making ourselves vulnerable, and it also means being open minded, empathetic, and non judgemental. At the very least, we should be kind. I'm just curious why if we know this, we don't treat each other more kindly, with more compassion? Why don't we check on each other? Why do we take our pain and anger out on others if we know they already must have their own? Why don't we lean on each other? Yeah, existential questions always seem to leave us asking why. But, my lunch break is over. Untill next time.

Commencement

I love graduation season. People get to celebrate successfully completing all of their hard work. I particularly like it because it is one of the few times we formally recognize and celebrate the ending of one chapter in our lives as the beginning of another. I think we should have more ceremonies or rites like this, even if it just on a personal level to remind us that the end of one thing is also the beginning of another.

I'm not sure if younger graduates know that commencement means a starting or jumping off point. I think they are so happy to be finishing school (or that portion of school) that graduation for them is an ending. We should impart to them that like a video game (to use an analogy they may be familiar with), when you finish one level, you graduate to the next, and life is one continuous commencement.

As we move through life, there are many endings such as jobs, relationships, even to our selves. But as jobs and relationships end, often there are others to follow. Sometimes we experience a whole new way of living altogether if we retire or get married. As we learn and experience life, we grow and change, and after a time we may notice that we are no longer the same person we once were. 

We tend to forget, if we ever truly comprehended, the meaning and symbolism of graduation or commencement. When we graduate from school, it means we have learned lessons well enough to move on to the next stages of life. As adults, we actually have the advantage of learning our lessons after an experience is over. When we get fired from a job or a relationship ends, if we take time to reflect on the experience, we can learn what we did or didn't do that worked or didn't work and become conscious enough to carry those lessons into the next experience.

Endings are never the end. They are always the beginning of something new. Even when we leave this earth physically, what leave behind can be a starting point for those to come. We should always remember that life is one big school and we are always students graduating from one level to the next. We should celebrate so called endings as a commencement to the next phase in our lives. Congratulations to us all for matriculating in this life. Turn your tassels y'all!

Change is Inevitable, Adapting is Imperative

I've become diligent about looking for and taking note of recurring themes around me. I find the universe to be very direct about the lessons it's trying to teach me. I used to think the lessons were for others until I began to see how these themes were present in my own life. Today's recurring theme: rigidity.

Rigidity is defined in the dictionary as:  

1.

stiff or unyielding; not pliant or flexible; hard: a rigid strip of metal.

2.

firmly fixed or set.

3.

inflexible, strict, or severe: a rigid disciplinarian; rigid rules of social behavior.

4.

exacting; thorough; rigorous: a rigid examination.

5.

so as to meet precise standards; stringent: lenses ground to rigid specifications.

In psychiatry and clinical psychology, it is an aspect of personality characterized by a person's resistance to change. This is the rigidity that I want to talk about. It is pervasive in society today, yet it goes against basic human instinct.

Charles Darwin said, “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” We have seen this in biological evolutionary sense with the development of "races." As humans migrated  traveling across ice bridges, they have adapted to their environments as they spread across the world. For example, melanin in the skin acts as a shield against ultraviolet light, however if it completely blocked ultraviolet light, vitamin D would not be generated in the body. In tropical areas, the sun is very strong and people have more melanin, in cooler areas the sun is less strong and people have less melanin so sufficient vitamin D is generated.

Adapting to change, then, is not only human nature, but a biological and psychological imperative. Yet, we remain rigid in our thinking, beliefs, outlooks despite our environment and circumstances screaming for adaptation. Fear, of course, is the cause of such rigidity. We fear the unknown, we fear dissatisfaction, judgement, imbalance, disharmony, and unhappiness. But if we take a look around at what the status quo has brought us, we'll notice we're already in the midst of those things.

On a personal level, I've realized that striving for the life I imagined as the possibilities move further and further away, I am being rigid in the way I define happiness. Sometimes our purposes on this planet are not reflected in our desires. But I'm recognizing that purpose is more determined than desire. Our reasons for being here are always revealed in the choices we make whether conscious or unconscious. We must pay attention to the environments we find ourselves in, whether it be relationships, jobs, or actual physical environments. Then we must ask ourselves, 'how can I adapt my way of thinking, behaving, and seeing to best serve myself and others in this current environment?'

When we are unable to see things and people in a different light because we know what we know, like what we like and want what we want, we are unable to learn new things and develop broader tastes. We become static and cease to grow and adapt to the changing world around us. Life keeps moving and change keeps happening. We can have, do, be everything our hearts desire. Sometimes, however, what our hearts desire can no longer serve us in our changing environments. For instance, if a woman has always desired children but has yet to have them, there will come a time when her body changes her circumstances and creates the need to adapt...or adopt as the case may be. 

Rigid thinking has rarely led to discoveries, breakthroughs, miracles, or reconciliations. We must only be rigid in our discipline towards growth. Our physical, mental, and spiritual survival depend on our abilities to adapt to changes that will occur. As Chinese philosopher Xin Zi said, "The rigid cause themselves to be broken; the pliable cause themselves to be bound."  

Listen

I rarely get too personal in this blog, but last night I had a dream that I know is about more than just me as I have seen and heard it happening all around me. So, I am going to share the relevant parts of this dream in hopes of reaching ones who need it...which I believe is everyone.

I dreamed I was a little girl, maybe nine, at a school which seemed to go up to high school. I was very excited about everything that happened there; p.e. class, recess, and especially a talent show. Everything and everyone seemed to blow past me in a noisy frenzy. No one talked to me except for one teacher who took the time to answer every question, yet was always pulled away prematurely to deal with other children.

I asked the teacher if I could be the stage manager for the talent show (apparently in my dream, I remembered I was a drama major in waking life) but he said I was too small, but that I should audition for the show. I was not at all dejected, but I could hardly think of what talent I could share. Then, I decided I would recite a poem I wrote called "A Wondrous World." (No, I haven't written such a poem in waking life...yet)

When I arrived at the audition, chaos overwhelmed the auditorium while a young girl was trying to sing her song. My teacher was busy trying to show a young man how to work the lighting board while students ran around, laughed and talked loudly. I took a seat behind some girls who seemed to be your stereotypical "mean girls" from some tween flick. They were all making fun of a girl and discouraging her from auditioning with her song saying she had no talent. These were her best friends.

When the little girl on stage was finished performing, my teacher yelled out 'who's next?' I resolutely crumbled my poem up, shoved it into my pocket and marched up to the stage. In the midst of this chaos, I took the microphone and started belting out the song "Listen" from the movie Dreamgirls. Mind you, I'm almost certain I've only heard this song once, when I saw the movie years ago, but the lyrics bellowed out of me as if I was Beyonce herself. Suddenly, the room was quiet and still. All eyes and ears were on me. Once I was finished, there were no applause, just gaping mouths, and I walked away from the mic, and left all of my youthful enthusiasm on the stage.

As I awaken, I recalled a conversation I had had the night before about listening. Most people don't do it. We hear the words, but we're often too busy waiting for our opportunity to respond to actually listen to what's being said. I remember in my discussion the idea of also listening to what's not being said. A conversation has many parts; speech, subtext, tone, body language. It's baffling to me how we can think that effectual conversations can take place via text, facebook, or twitter.

I took special note to the fact that in my dream I was a small child. It was a direct correlation with my feelings that youth go unheard, and how I sometimes feel like a child who should be seen and not heard when people don't listen to me. Young people always tell us what they think, feel, and need, but because they haven't yet learned how to convey these things sufficiently, we only hear complaints, excuses, and rebellion.

We are all children in the midst of chaos fighting to be heard. We are, however, also the chaos. We need to listen to each other and not just hear. I remember years ago how I used to hear music, the beat, the bass, the rhythm of the lyrics, but I wasn't actually listening to the words. Once I began to listen to the words, I became much more discerning about the type of music I listened to. 

So many times when a tragedy occurs, or even just disappointment, there were warnings to which we didn't listen.There is much that we can offer and receive from one another, but we need to listen. Don't dismiss someone because they are not speaking in a language you prefer or are used to. Do pause amidst the chaos and observe, pay attention. There is value in every word that is spoken or unspoken, even if we don't know what that value is at the time. Listen.

A Crown and a Sword

In all of my writings about my journey to the throne, I have neglected to speak about one of the most important characteristics of a queen. A queen must be a warrior. Yes, with the crown comes a sword. As Voltaire said, "With great power comes great responsibility." The necessity to don armor and hit the battlefield is not only to defend others, but to defend one's crown as well.

The "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune," as Shakespeare put it, are ever present as a queen ascends the throne. There are always obstacles and sometimes setbacks. But a queen must fight because the crown is her birthright. 

Women in this world are born into conflict. Our power is either physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually (or all of these) snuffed out or stifled from birth. As soon as we exit the womb, we are bombarded with the beliefs and shackled with the restrictions of the world we have entered. We are clad with pink, bows, ribbons, and lace to identify us as delicate and fragile. 'Feminine' is given the connotation of 'weak.' But make no mistake, females are born with the same warrior spirit, toughness, and fortitude as males. The difference is that our feminine aspect provides us with different tools with which to fight, and different reasons for which to fight.

Women must be the caretakers of the world. The children, the planet, and all its creatures depend on the skills of the woman to both nurture and protect them. We are the warriors for peace, equality, safety, wisdom, knowledge and love. We also have personal battles to fight on a daily basis.

The daily battle in which we as women must engage is the battle to live freely, securely and at peace in our own skin on this earth. We must have Teflon skin when we are judged by our physical appearance rather than our mental and spiritual content. We must brandish a sword against belittling words, thoughts and actions that would sour our spirits. We often must physically defend our bodies against violence.

Black women must double our efforts to protect our kingdom (we are the kingdom) from the barrage of hate thrown at us not only because of our gender but also because of our race. The belief system that was in place at our births says that we are not beautiful, we are ignorant, aggressive, materialistic, argumentative, oversexed, and less worthy of love and affection. Many of us join in this belief and therefore denigrate ourselves even more in the process. Some of us take arms against these beliefs often to no avail for lack of support.

All women can relate to the struggle to be seen as worthy and powerful allies to men, yet only the black woman can comprehend or even recognize their battle. We are stereotyped, mimicked, overlooked, ostracized, degraded and misunderstood. Embedded in the psyche of society are not only the beliefs about women, but those of the black race. Unfortunately, they are also embedded in the black woman's psyche as well, thus making the battle even more arduous.

As queens, African, Native, Caucasian, Asian, Latina, and Hispanic, we must be willing and ready for the battlefield. Whether we are fighting for our children, our planet, our families or ourselves, we must acknowledge that we are in the midst of war. Yes, there is a time to trade in armor for silk and the sword for flowers. Part of our power is our femininity. Most importantly, we must link arms and march together towards the enemies of hate, greed, oppression and misogyny. These are our real enemies, not each other, not ourselves. This, I have learned, is what a queen does.

We are the Ocean

In a reasoning with a dear friend the other day, he mentioned how individually we are all drops of water that collectively form the ocean and we are all the ocean. All of a sudden I was struck by a deeper realization and took the analogy further; like the ocean there is life inside and outside of us that affect and effect our behavior and appearance.

Allow me to explain further. We know that from bacteria to plankton to the blue whale, life in the ocean greatly affects life on land, yet we know very little about the ocean. At least 80% is yet to be explored. Ocean currents are a continuous directed flow of ocean water capable of traveling thousands of kilometers. Surface currents move water at the surface of the ocean, while submarine river currents flow deep below. The ocean's surface rises and falls predictably due to changes in gravitational forces originating from the Moon and the Sun. These changes in ocean surface level are known as tides and are evidence of the influence celestial bodies have on our planet.* 

In other words, there's a lot going on inside and outside of the ocean that affects/effects what we see, hear, and feel at the beach or on a boat. Sound familiar? Have you had days filled with emotional and environmental turmoil and yet all people see is that you're grumpy or mean? Perhaps if they delve deeper, they would find pain, confusion, frustration or a myriad of other 'submarine river currents' that would not be defined the same way as your surface behavior.

We are often so quick to judge and often misunderstand others because we are unable to see the 'submarine river currents' or the 'lunar gravitational forces' that are affecting/effecting them. When we first engage others, we sometimes forget that they lived an entire life before we met them. We fail to consider that perhaps it will take a while, maybe even another lifetime to really know who they are. We also expect them to behave as we do with the assumption that our behavior is the best, forgetting, of course that the life inside and outside of them may be completely different than our own.

As humans, we tend to live our lives based on our own perceptions which are formed by our own experiences and knowledge handed down to us. If we remember this when we engage with others, perhaps we will be more willing to be open to another's perceptions, experiences and knowledge if for no other reason than to better understand them. The ocean has been around since human beings appeared on earth, yet we have yet to explore 80% of it! Maybe like the ocean, we should dive deeper into others before we judge their tides.

*http://marinebio.org/Oceans/index.asp