2014 Wrap Up: Lessons

This time of year I always reflect on the preceding months and mostly give thanks that I'm still here, but also take note of the lessons I've learned. It's always good to take inventory of your lessons and store them in a place in your brain where you can easily access them...lest you forget.

I spent the greater part of 2014 in a deep depression, It has been a strange roller coaster ride that began in a deep pit at the end of 2013 with a slow climb throughout 2014. I was hurt, grieving, heartbroken, financially weakened, taken for granted, and lonely. I lost friendships, became very ill,saw one of my idols pass,witnessed great tragedies world wide, and saw the beginning of a great movement (or two).

Despite all of this, I've learned great lessons and I am on the upside of this climb.One of the most important things I learned was that I do not want to waste anymore time or energy on things or people that do not uplift me either mentally, spiritually or emotionally. The phrase "Thinking of yourself is not selfish, not thinking of others is" kept popping up on social media. It reminds me of an analogy from air travel that I always use. Life is like the flight attendant says, 'put your mask on first before helping others.' How can you help someone else in need if your own safety is in jeopardy?

The real lesson, well, more like a revelation, came to me after I began a new job. Out of the blue, I suddenly learned acceptance. I had been struggling with life like someone trying to walk against a strong wind. I kept pushing against it trying to force my way down a path that clearly wasn't meant for me. I've struggled to "fit in," be heard as someone with something worth hearing or seen as someone who is beautiful and worth knowing. I've struggled with acquiring a life that I was told I should have and thought I wanted, and maybe I do want but I certainly can live happily another way. But it was as if the hand of God or the universe stopped me in my tracks, turned me around and told me to go with the wind.

We grow up hearing that we need to do this, then that, then find this to live happily ever after. We're fed fairy tales to illustrate how life is supposed to go (and it never does) and we buy into it, But maybe we don't all fill our cups with the same stuff, i.e., great wealth, a beautiful spouse and lovely children. Maybe some of us fill our cups with adventures to exciting places, friends from varying backgrounds, or brief but extraordinary love affairs. Perhaps our cups are meant to be filled with a substance made especially for us.

So, I've stopped pushing against the wind. I no longer strive to get people to love me or even like me. I can fully be who I am because who I am is good enough...or even better! I have opened my eyes to see all of those people who do see and hear me and love what they see and hear. I admit at first I thought it was apathy, which I did not want. Then I realized that it wasn't that I didn't care, I was just ok with what other people are able to give.  People don't always intentionally withhold kindness, attention, or love. Sometimes they are just giving the best they have at that time. I can't ask for more than that.

I'm grateful for this epiphany because it means that I don't have to change who I am and give less love, in order to protect myself from harm. By accepting people (myself included) and situations that I can't change, as they are, I can let go of expectations and the desire for more from them. More can be gotten in many places to fill my cup...and I intend to fill it. May your cup runneth over in 2015.

Tell the Children the Truth

I've waited to make this post, waited until I had something thoughtful and/or compelling to say about the events and the reactions to them that are occurring in the U.S. I am, of course referring to the two grand jury decisions to not indict the murderers of Michael Brown and Eric Garner. I still haven't formulated the perfect thought, mostly because my brain is in a haze and my emotions are swirling like a funnel cloud.I've read many articles that better articulate what I would like to say, but there are some points that haven't been mentioned. 

I work around black children, men and women in an educational situation daily. I see young black boys dutifully doing their homework with hopes of a promising future, loving parents checking in on their behavior when they pick them up, and intelligent caring men organizing activities that will shape young minds. What I don't see or rather hear is a discussion about racism in America, police violence or the protests that have followed.

Any educational institution that is not ensuring that its students are informed, having thoughtful conversations, or at the very least have a safe, positive forum in which to express themselves is doing the students, this country, and our future a huge disservice. Anyone who cannot see that this country is at a crossroads, a critical juncture not seen in this country since the civil rights era, is seriously deluded or has his/her head in the sand.

We are in the midst of another big civil rights movement. Civil rights movements are occurring all of the time, but this one is on a grander scale, like the one that happened in the 50's and 60's. The difference this time is that Americans of all races are deeply entrenched in the fight, and they have support from all over the world. This is no longer a black issue, it is a human rights issue.

Young people, hopefully, have much more of the future in front of them and should therefore have their eyes open as they witness this shift. They should have a say and be informed enough to express themselves. Humans never want to upset children with the truth. They've invented Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy and a slew of Disney characters in order to delay reality for as long as possible. Perhaps we should stop looking at reality as a negative. 

Telling the children the truth about what's going on in America right now is an opportunity to teach compassion, foster empathy, and enable them to begin to think critically. It will also, of course, prepare them.  The thought that stays in the forefront of my mind is that too many people are unable to put themselves in another's shoes and imagine their pain. This,in turn, inhibits compassion. What will become of this world without compassion? The only thing I can see happening is a complete disregard for life...hmmm, seems like we're there.

Bring the children in on this conversation because this is happening to them too. This is their past, present, and future. I'm telling you I have talked to some thoughtful youth who could teach us all a great deal. Tell the children the truth.

Tis the Season?

When I was a little girl, I used to wake up on Christmas morning and whisper "happy birthday Jesus," because I thought Christmas day was a celebration of Christ's birth. The night before, was at church playing Mary in the nativity play or (ridiculously) dressed in a beenie with matching scarf and gloves...in L.A., singing Christmas carols. Those are the memories that first come to mind when I think of  Christmas during my childhood. Of course I remember waking up to tons of presents and getting most of what I asked for and then some too! But as I got older (and realized my family's financial state) I didn't need so many things. Now I don't celebrate at all.

Yesterday I saw on the news how in one mall, a woman dressed like, Mrs. Claus I guess, was asking people to name all of Santa's reindeer for a coupon. Many people were able to do so. I thought to myself, 'I wonder if they can name all of the Apostles.' They then cut to scenes from a store where people were literally trampling over one another...just to get in the store...and fighting over big screen tvs. Wow, is this Christmas?

Some say the idea of gift giving during Christmas came from the Magi bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to the baby Jesus. Seems like we should be giving gifts to Jesus since it's his day. How would Christians give gifts to Jesus in 2014?

Well, in the bible Matthew 25: 35-36 Jesus says
'For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat; I was thirsty, and            you gave Me something to drink; I was a stranger, and you invited Me in; 36 I was naked, and you clothed Me; I was sick, and you visited Me; I was in prison, and you came to Me.'
And he continues in verse 40 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

So, Jesus has told you what to get him for Christmas...help those in need....and no one NEEDS a 60" tv. If you can't manage that, why not at least focus on spending time with loved ones without worrying about spending a bunch of money on elaborate gifts AND dinner. The amount of food people buy for one meal could feed a small family for 2 weeks...why not do that for someone in need. Remember the "reason for the season."

It's Hard, but It's Fair

"It's hard, but it's fair." That's something an ex of mine used to say. People would always get a little perturbed because they couldn't understand how something that was hard could also be fair. I admit I couldn't see it myself for a while, but years after we broke up, his meaning, at least what I gleaned from the statement, is becoming a little clearer. What's fair is not always easy, especially if fairness considers the greater good.

I think that sometimes in life, if we want what we think is fair, what we believe we deserve, we have to make some hard choices. Some things cannot exist in the same space. For example, if we want to be healthy, we may have to give up unhealthy habits such as junk food, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. A healthy body often cannot exist in the same space as certain bad habits. In other words, sometimes in order to get what we desire, we have to get out of our own way.

If you desire something or some situation in your life, it may be necessary to make room for it. If we are unable or unwilling to do this, yet we still make supplications to the Universe or a higher power, the Universe/higher power will do it for us. We are creators, but I think we are more like the architects who come up with the design, how we envision our lives, but the Universe/higher power takes care of the building..how the design comes together. 

If in order to build our desires, we must first tear down some realities, the Universe/higher power will send us "memos" or signs to do so. But make no mistake, if we fail to comply, the builders will procede with demolition because they want us to have what we desire. This may mean dismantling relationships, jobs, living situations, etc. in order to replace them with what we have ordered. If you desire to be happy, perhaps the Universe/higher power knows that happiness and your current mate, friend, job, etc. cannot exist in the same space.

It's a little easier if we take heed to the memos and take to clearing a way on our own. The best ways I can think of to do this is to take stock of your life often and listen to your intuition. Here's some tips:

Reveiw your current relationships/friendships/situations

1. Are your relationships balanced?
    a. Are you giving more than you receive be it material things, emotionally, energy wise?
    b. Do you find yourself giving more chances than you get? Is forgiveness followed by changed behavior,          or are the offenses repeated?
2. Do you feel the same about the person, job, home, etc. as you did in the beginning?
     a. Are you staying because it is comfortable, safe, or familiar?
     b. Does the person or people involved feel the same about you?
     c. Are you drained or energized by your interactions?
3. Are you growing, becoming stagnant, or regressing?
     
When we envision the things or people that we believe will make us happy, we only have our own knowledge and experience to go on. But the Universe/higher power has EVERYTHING/EVERYONE to go on. The builders may know of materials that will better give us our desired outcome than what we ordered. 

Understanding this, I now understand the phrase "It's hard, but it's fair." Letting go of people, things, or situations can be hard, but it may be necessary in order to make room for what we truly desire..and that's fair, isn't it?

Climbing Out of the Pit of Depression: A Personal Story

Beloved readers, this post is much more personal than my usual posts. I am finally finding the courage to share something that I've been going through in the hopes that it will help someone else. I always try to write the pain out, but in this blog, I tend to hold back. I always try to be positive and/or solution oriented here, but I have struggled to do both or either, so I redacted a great deal. People expect me to be positive and so I try to acquiesce. But now that I am on the tail end of this trying time, I have a bit more perspective.

For the past nine months I have been going through a severe depression. It began with a loss of a close loved one and spiraled from there. I now realize that a great deal of that came from a severe vitamin D deficiency (being vegan puts me at an even greater risk-check your levels fellow vegans!) That may explain why I couldn't really verbalize exactly why I was so sad. I did, by the way, tell a few friends that I was depressed, but that's when I realized that most people don't know how to help a person in this situation.

Yes, I thought of seeking professional help, and still may, but I've always believed that loved ones could easily do what psychologists get paid to do. I also did not want someone giving me a "magic pill" to mask the issue, not to mention that seeing a therapist of any sort is taboo in the African American culture. I knew I wasn't suicidal, so I figured I'd power through it. It's interesting, when one is depressed but not suicidal, people seem to expect you to just choose to be happy.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have various different tools to reconnect with my joy or to get through trials. I employed them all and even found new ones. I could usually get a few hours of reprieve from the sadness, but it would return. Even music became a temporary fix. I am a gregarious person. Even though I can be shy in some social situations, I'd much rather be in the company of others during these times than alone. Even if I'm just observing, I am able to soak up positive and happy vibes and feel better. It works the other way too, of course. If I am around negative energy of any sort, those emotions attach themselves to me.

After Robin Williams committed suicide, I was struck with such a fear for those out there who were going through what I, and apparently Robin Williams, had been going through and were struggling to find a stronghold. At that time, however, I did not have the strength or the answers to give in order to help. I'm still not sure I have the answers for those struggling. I do have advice for those of you who may have loved ones who are suffering:

1. Check on people regularly and delve deeper into answers like I'm "fine," "ok," "alright," and even "good." Ask them specific questions about what's going on with them. "Good" just may mean better than yesterday which was horrible. Or, maybe they are just trying not to be a "downer."

2. Take the time to spend some time. Even if the person chooses not to speak about what's bothering them (they may not always have an answer) time spent in the company of others remembering the simple joys of life can take them away, if only for a short time, from their depression.

3. Be kind to everyone. I'm sure you've seen many memes that talk about how you never know what a person is going through, and it's true. Everyone we encounter has things going on in their lives we know nothing about. If we are mindful to be kind and gentle with one another, we may make some one's day a little easier to get through.

4. DO NOT CHASTISE THEM FOR FEELING SAD-You may not even think of yourself as chastising when you tell them that they should try being grateful for what they have. I've learned from experience that you can be grateful for all the things and people in your life and still not be able to shake the sadness. You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You can want and try to be happy but still feel sadness sitting in the pit of your stomach like a lump of coal. 

5. Don't wash over their feelings like they are just having a bad day. A bad day for you may be things not going well at work. Sometimes a "bad day" from a depressed person is not being able to smile through the pain that has been going on for months.  

6. Don't call them selfish. Yes, they are thinking only of themselves, but when you are in this state, selfishness becomes a biological imperative. 

For those of you who may be struggling with depression, I implore you to reach out to someone, anyone, even a stranger, and express your sadness. Sometimes being able to just get it out in the open makes you feel lighter. Find your tools, things that bring you joy, and use them often...even if they are only temporary fixes. It's good to be able to remember how to be happy and that you can be happy.

We need to be gentle with each other. We need to be mindful of each other's lives. Robin Williams showed us that even a person who can make so many others' lives happier need the same in return. Lastly, hug each other.  It's been proven that hugs can change your biology and your psychology.Give good, strong hugs that convey love and care. I am grateful to be on my way out of this dark time. I ask forgiveness from those who may not have gotten my best. I ask for patience from you as I climb back into the seat of happiness and reflect the light. I send love and strength to those of you still in pit of it. I'm here for you.

 

 

Wisdom From A Dream

Last night I had a powerful dream. I was in the desert at night sitting around a campfire with a group of people whose faces I didn't see but I knew I knew them. There was a Native American elder telling stories. The first story he told was of a man who spent his life searching for gold. One day he came upon a cave with several chests. One chest stood out because it had a golden sheen. He went to open it but it was locked, so he took out his tools and spent many hours attempting to unlock it. 

Meanwhile, the chest next to it which was made of splintering wood and had rusted hinges was unlocked. Inside it was diamonds, pearls, and rubies of tremendous value. But the man overlooked that chest and went about trying to unlock the other. As night fell, the man grew tired and decided to rest. When leaned against the wall, he noticed that the chest he had been working on was actually made of mirrored glass that had been reflecting the sun peering through and opening in the roof of the cave. He took a stone and smashed the chest open only to find that it was empty. Dejected, the man left the cave and continued his search...leaving the unnoticed chest full of jewels behind.

The elder said, "The treasure you seek may be disguised but it is not hidden. You must open every chest to get to the heart of the matter." Then he instructed us to look into the fire and he tossed a stick into it and said, "See how the fire burns stronger with just a little fuel? But the flame must be fed."

He continued with another story about a man who travelled the world seeking wisdom. He visited all of the known spiritual masters for counsel, but they all told him the same thing, "The wisdom you seek is already within you." The man was dissatisfied with this answer and continually replied, "If the wisdom was within me, I would not have travelled all of these miles seeking it!" The man became weary on his journey and sat on the side of a road under a tree weeping when another traveler came upon him. The traveler asked the man, "Why are you so sad dear friend?" The man replied, " I have travelled many miles the whole world around seeking wisdom from all of the great masters but none can tell me anything except 'the wisdom you seek is within you.' Can they not see I am not wise?" The traveller replied, of course they can because they know that  one who possesses much wisdom has it in the heart, not on the lips and one head does not contain all the wisdom. Listen to your heart."

The Native elder then said,"Our first teacher is our own heart." Then he instructed us to look into the fire again and said, "See how the twigs burn but the rocks beneath it absorb the fire and retain the heat. We must not be the fuel for the fire, but allow the fire to grow hot within us."

The final story he told I had already heard, then again it was my dream. He told the story of a man who heard the voice of God speak to him. The voice said, "See the large bolder at the bottom of that hill? Go and push it." The man was a spiritual and faithful servant and so he did as he was told by the Great Spirit. Everyday for months the man push the bolder all day making little progress. His muscles ached but grew, and his skin, bathed in daily sun, became tough and leathery. One day, exasperated, the man cried out, "Oh Great Spirit, I honor You, I have tried to do what you asked but I am not strong enough to push this bolder up that hill. Why have You given me such an impossible task?" Then the Great Spirit replied, "My son, you are a loyal servant and you have indeed done all I asked. I never asked you to push the bolder up the hill, I only asked you to push it! Look at how your muscles have grown and how much more power you have! See how tough your skin is because of the sun baking it daily! You are now strong enough for what is to come."

The elder then said to us, "Not every task will yield the results you expect, but you will grow stronger for it." He instructed us one last time to look into the fire. "Is the fire hot enough? How will you test it? Will you put your hand in it? Surely it is hot enough to burn your skin." Then he threw another small stick into the fire and said, "It is not your job to judge how hot the fire is. It is only your job to feed it. The fire will be hot enough...it is fire! Your only job is to keep it burning."

I woke up and wrote down all I had remembered because this was a rare and powerful dream. I think I have learned the lessons within it, but if I forget, I have it writing now! I know for sure that I must keep the fire burning by feeding it. I think the fire is passion and the fuel or wood can be many things; family, friends, love, music, knowledge, wisdom. I feel like my Father The Mighty King was speaking directly to me...just when I needed it. I hope this helps you too. 

Pay Attention

In my lifetime, I have personally known at least two people who have committed suicide and one whose death left questions. I have had fewer than six degrees of separation from many others, and who knows how many have attempted. Is this normal? Are we ok with it being normal if it is?  At this moment in the world, devastating events are occurring that could (and should) have huge affect on our emotions and psyche. Are we paying enough attention to one another to make sure we're all ok?

I'm going to get very personal. I have been dealing with loss and stress, and I feel particularly sensitive to the tragedies occurring around the world. I have too much reverence for life and those I would leave behind to take my own life, but I've been depressed nonetheless. I try to always be positive, even fake it until I make it if I must. I have, however, shared my feelings with a couple of people whom I feel close to, but I realize that people don't always know what to say in these situations. So they usually say and do nothing.

Sometimes words aren't enough anyway, but checking in and spending time can do wonders. It shows people they are cared for and reminds them about the joys of life. We, as a society, have a tendency to get lost in our own world, to hear and not listen, or to believe that others deal with life the same way that we do. In other words, our compassion gets distracted. 

This is a time for us to draw closer to one another. We need to combine our collective consciousness to not only raise the planet's vibration to a higher frequency, but to raise one another's spirits as well. I've said it time and time again, but now more than ever we should check in with one another and really see how we're all doing. Don't be too reticent to reach out, even to those we don't really know. Increase your compassion, even to levels that are almost uncomfortable. Share your strength, your positive energy, your love. We are in this together. What happens to one happens to all. Be mindful.

What are we missing?

It is a common myth that we only use 10% of our brains. We use our entire brains, just not all at once. Different parts of the brain serve different functions, and a small percentage of brain damage can be catastrophic.  Perhaps we believe we only use such a small portion of our brains because of all of the things we miss on a daily basis. But it's really a matter of being conscious, aware, and in the moment. It takes greater concentration to see all the things we miss moment to moment. So what are we missing?

How many sunrises and sunsets have each of us actually seen? When the scent of Jasmin permeates the air, do we take notice of the flower that is giving off the scent? What are we missing? Do we see the pain behind a smile? Can we hear the sadness in a laugh or feel the loneliness in a hug? What are we missing?

Do we notice the homeless on the streets anymore? Do we recognize when clothes, cars, houses, and other possessions are masks to hide an unhappy reality? What are we missing? Are we aware of how many beautiful spirits we have rejected for beautiful faces? Have we noticed the low self esteem behind the beautiful faces? What are we missing?

When we fight, do we miss the pain or remorse wrapped in harsh words? When children act out/misbehave, can we hear the cry for love? What are we missing? If we meet those who are seemingly our polar opposites. do we take a moment to see our commonalities? Is the other side of the world so much different from our own? What are we missing?

Can we see the deception behind the facade of flattery and niceties? Can we feel the sincere caring in correction? What are we missing? Does the person dressed in name brand clothing driving a luxury vehicle have more integrity and decency than the one wearing hand me downs and taking the bus? What are we missing?

When we read, do we form our own thoughts and opinions on the subject, or do we take the author's point of view? Do we read anymore? What are we missing? Do we listen to what is and isn't being said taking note of body language, tone of voice, and the source? Do we just hear words and let our own personal experiences be the judge? What are we missing?

Are we listening to our inner voices, the feeling in our guts? Are we listening to others' opinions instead of our own? What are we missing? Do we realize the miracles of being alive, making meaningful connections, the ability to change in every way? Are we taking the miracles around us for granted? What are we missing?

What, indeed, are we missing? We use our entire brains, but we are usually unaware when certain parts of our brains are enacted because they are automatic. We often move through life the same way. 'How are you?' becomes merely a greeting, the answer 'I'm fine' becomes rote, and many often don't really listen to the answer, rather, they hear a response and move on to the next topic. Routine blocks out the beauty of nature or the tragedy of man, and belief systems handed down to us prevents open hearts, open thoughts, free choice, and free spirits. 

Although the brain has parts we need not pay attention to, if we fail to take care of ourselves, we risk damaging the brain. We've become numb, almost robotic, and our vision both physical and spiritual has been tunneled leaving us heartless, apathetic, and unfulfilled. This life we are given has strings attached, and these strings are connections
to every living thing.  When we fail to take care of these connections we risk damaging them. We use our entire brains. All we need to do is pay attention.

Move Like a Queen

I was inspired to do this post because whenever I check the stats on my posts, one has always been viewed each week. When I check the overall views for all of my posts, "Think Like a Queen"  (read it here) posted in April of 2012 has received far more views than the rest. This got me thinking, maybe this conversation isn't over yet.

Now I realize that search words led viewers to my blog, and I have no idea if my words had a positive impact on the readers. But the impetus for continuing this conversation is the fact that people are seeking to learn how queens think. I don't claim to be an expert, I am just relaying my experiences, both observed and lived, of what is recognized by others as queenly. 

I believe that a queen can be summed up as having words, thoughts, and actions that have emerged from a sole purpose: love. Nowadays, people have talked about 'showing love,' 'being love,' or 'having love' so much that it has become a concept of "new aged" thinking. But there's nothing new about love. It has been around longer than anything else. The universe has developed harmoniously and with perfection and respect for all life...and that's love. When a person has the intention to be kind, thoughtful, considerate, and respectful to all life, everything he/she does is loving. 

A queen will choose her words wisely and with the intent to strengthen, build up, uplift, guide, sooth, educate or correct. Her words, although they may sometimes chide, will be well meaning and with the purpose of creating harmony. She is careful to not only be kind, but precise in her meaning. She will be gentle but stern when needed, truthful yet positive, and her timing will be impeccable. 

She will be conscious of her emotions and not allow them to dictate her actions. She will, in fact, act purposefully rather than react rashly. Her movements are purposely made to help not hinder. She is cautious not to upset perfect balance, yet bold enough to bring order out of chaos. She knows the power of her femininity and shows restraint with it. The truth of who she is is always evident, yet she saves the mystery of what makes her unique for a select few. 

As trials come in every life, so a queen is not immune. Trials for a queen, however, become a step raising her closer to the heavens. She endures trials with quiet grace and burgeoning faith knowing that each wound, when healed, will leave behind tougher skin. A queen will always find a way to grow from trials and will readily share what she has learned so that others do not have to suffer the same fate.

I've seen some of these qualities in myself, but more so in other women whom I admire. I admit, it is not easy to always think, act, and speak like a queen. But I have always believed that perfection is the act of striving for perfection. Intention is far more powerful than mindless habit. So practice makes perfect. These are just a few of my humble thoughts and observations. More love royal ones.

Lunchtime Reflections

I'm certain there's something going on in the cosmos that's inspiring these existential thoughts to be so at the forefront of my mind I have to take my lunch break to get it out. It occurs to me, quite often in fact, that all of the people we encounter in a single day, even the ones we think we know well, are really just mysterious creatures with a myriad of unseen facets.

We never really know what wheels are turning in a person's head, or what makes his or her heart ache or smile. We only know what people choose to let us know. I know that for me personally, there is no single person to whom I tell everything. In fact, there are things I know, think, feel, or have experienced that no one knows about. 

How, then, do we expect to really know someone? Well, we probably can't completely know someone. We are so conditioned by media or past experiences, to expect things/people to come in certain packages, so that when we see a package that we think is familiar, we put a label on it. We don't leave much room for people to reveal who they really are. Fear of judgement for either not looking as expected, or the pain of failure to be what is expected often causes us to conceal a huge part of who we really are.

So we smile and pretend we're not hurting, or maybe we feign being angry rather than cry. We play dumb in situations where we know we have insight because it is better than being belittled. How many times have you said something to someone and they blew you off and someone else told them the same thing and it became gospel?

This isn't some new revelation. I realize we are all aware that we don't know everything about each other. But, if we want to know each other better, we have to reveal ourselves to each other. That means trusting and making ourselves vulnerable, and it also means being open minded, empathetic, and non judgemental. At the very least, we should be kind. I'm just curious why if we know this, we don't treat each other more kindly, with more compassion? Why don't we check on each other? Why do we take our pain and anger out on others if we know they already must have their own? Why don't we lean on each other? Yeah, existential questions always seem to leave us asking why. But, my lunch break is over. Untill next time.

Commencement

I love graduation season. People get to celebrate successfully completing all of their hard work. I particularly like it because it is one of the few times we formally recognize and celebrate the ending of one chapter in our lives as the beginning of another. I think we should have more ceremonies or rites like this, even if it just on a personal level to remind us that the end of one thing is also the beginning of another.

I'm not sure if younger graduates know that commencement means a starting or jumping off point. I think they are so happy to be finishing school (or that portion of school) that graduation for them is an ending. We should impart to them that like a video game (to use an analogy they may be familiar with), when you finish one level, you graduate to the next, and life is one continuous commencement.

As we move through life, there are many endings such as jobs, relationships, even to our selves. But as jobs and relationships end, often there are others to follow. Sometimes we experience a whole new way of living altogether if we retire or get married. As we learn and experience life, we grow and change, and after a time we may notice that we are no longer the same person we once were. 

We tend to forget, if we ever truly comprehended, the meaning and symbolism of graduation or commencement. When we graduate from school, it means we have learned lessons well enough to move on to the next stages of life. As adults, we actually have the advantage of learning our lessons after an experience is over. When we get fired from a job or a relationship ends, if we take time to reflect on the experience, we can learn what we did or didn't do that worked or didn't work and become conscious enough to carry those lessons into the next experience.

Endings are never the end. They are always the beginning of something new. Even when we leave this earth physically, what leave behind can be a starting point for those to come. We should always remember that life is one big school and we are always students graduating from one level to the next. We should celebrate so called endings as a commencement to the next phase in our lives. Congratulations to us all for matriculating in this life. Turn your tassels y'all!

Change is Inevitable, Adapting is Imperative

I've become diligent about looking for and taking note of recurring themes around me. I find the universe to be very direct about the lessons it's trying to teach me. I used to think the lessons were for others until I began to see how these themes were present in my own life. Today's recurring theme: rigidity.

Rigidity is defined in the dictionary as:  

1.

stiff or unyielding; not pliant or flexible; hard: a rigid strip of metal.

2.

firmly fixed or set.

3.

inflexible, strict, or severe: a rigid disciplinarian; rigid rules of social behavior.

4.

exacting; thorough; rigorous: a rigid examination.

5.

so as to meet precise standards; stringent: lenses ground to rigid specifications.

In psychiatry and clinical psychology, it is an aspect of personality characterized by a person's resistance to change. This is the rigidity that I want to talk about. It is pervasive in society today, yet it goes against basic human instinct.

Charles Darwin said, “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.” We have seen this in biological evolutionary sense with the development of "races." As humans migrated  traveling across ice bridges, they have adapted to their environments as they spread across the world. For example, melanin in the skin acts as a shield against ultraviolet light, however if it completely blocked ultraviolet light, vitamin D would not be generated in the body. In tropical areas, the sun is very strong and people have more melanin, in cooler areas the sun is less strong and people have less melanin so sufficient vitamin D is generated.

Adapting to change, then, is not only human nature, but a biological and psychological imperative. Yet, we remain rigid in our thinking, beliefs, outlooks despite our environment and circumstances screaming for adaptation. Fear, of course, is the cause of such rigidity. We fear the unknown, we fear dissatisfaction, judgement, imbalance, disharmony, and unhappiness. But if we take a look around at what the status quo has brought us, we'll notice we're already in the midst of those things.

On a personal level, I've realized that striving for the life I imagined as the possibilities move further and further away, I am being rigid in the way I define happiness. Sometimes our purposes on this planet are not reflected in our desires. But I'm recognizing that purpose is more determined than desire. Our reasons for being here are always revealed in the choices we make whether conscious or unconscious. We must pay attention to the environments we find ourselves in, whether it be relationships, jobs, or actual physical environments. Then we must ask ourselves, 'how can I adapt my way of thinking, behaving, and seeing to best serve myself and others in this current environment?'

When we are unable to see things and people in a different light because we know what we know, like what we like and want what we want, we are unable to learn new things and develop broader tastes. We become static and cease to grow and adapt to the changing world around us. Life keeps moving and change keeps happening. We can have, do, be everything our hearts desire. Sometimes, however, what our hearts desire can no longer serve us in our changing environments. For instance, if a woman has always desired children but has yet to have them, there will come a time when her body changes her circumstances and creates the need to adapt...or adopt as the case may be. 

Rigid thinking has rarely led to discoveries, breakthroughs, miracles, or reconciliations. We must only be rigid in our discipline towards growth. Our physical, mental, and spiritual survival depend on our abilities to adapt to changes that will occur. As Chinese philosopher Xin Zi said, "The rigid cause themselves to be broken; the pliable cause themselves to be bound."  

Listen

I rarely get too personal in this blog, but last night I had a dream that I know is about more than just me as I have seen and heard it happening all around me. So, I am going to share the relevant parts of this dream in hopes of reaching ones who need it...which I believe is everyone.

I dreamed I was a little girl, maybe nine, at a school which seemed to go up to high school. I was very excited about everything that happened there; p.e. class, recess, and especially a talent show. Everything and everyone seemed to blow past me in a noisy frenzy. No one talked to me except for one teacher who took the time to answer every question, yet was always pulled away prematurely to deal with other children.

I asked the teacher if I could be the stage manager for the talent show (apparently in my dream, I remembered I was a drama major in waking life) but he said I was too small, but that I should audition for the show. I was not at all dejected, but I could hardly think of what talent I could share. Then, I decided I would recite a poem I wrote called "A Wondrous World." (No, I haven't written such a poem in waking life...yet)

When I arrived at the audition, chaos overwhelmed the auditorium while a young girl was trying to sing her song. My teacher was busy trying to show a young man how to work the lighting board while students ran around, laughed and talked loudly. I took a seat behind some girls who seemed to be your stereotypical "mean girls" from some tween flick. They were all making fun of a girl and discouraging her from auditioning with her song saying she had no talent. These were her best friends.

When the little girl on stage was finished performing, my teacher yelled out 'who's next?' I resolutely crumbled my poem up, shoved it into my pocket and marched up to the stage. In the midst of this chaos, I took the microphone and started belting out the song "Listen" from the movie Dreamgirls. Mind you, I'm almost certain I've only heard this song once, when I saw the movie years ago, but the lyrics bellowed out of me as if I was Beyonce herself. Suddenly, the room was quiet and still. All eyes and ears were on me. Once I was finished, there were no applause, just gaping mouths, and I walked away from the mic, and left all of my youthful enthusiasm on the stage.

As I awaken, I recalled a conversation I had had the night before about listening. Most people don't do it. We hear the words, but we're often too busy waiting for our opportunity to respond to actually listen to what's being said. I remember in my discussion the idea of also listening to what's not being said. A conversation has many parts; speech, subtext, tone, body language. It's baffling to me how we can think that effectual conversations can take place via text, facebook, or twitter.

I took special note to the fact that in my dream I was a small child. It was a direct correlation with my feelings that youth go unheard, and how I sometimes feel like a child who should be seen and not heard when people don't listen to me. Young people always tell us what they think, feel, and need, but because they haven't yet learned how to convey these things sufficiently, we only hear complaints, excuses, and rebellion.

We are all children in the midst of chaos fighting to be heard. We are, however, also the chaos. We need to listen to each other and not just hear. I remember years ago how I used to hear music, the beat, the bass, the rhythm of the lyrics, but I wasn't actually listening to the words. Once I began to listen to the words, I became much more discerning about the type of music I listened to. 

So many times when a tragedy occurs, or even just disappointment, there were warnings to which we didn't listen.There is much that we can offer and receive from one another, but we need to listen. Don't dismiss someone because they are not speaking in a language you prefer or are used to. Do pause amidst the chaos and observe, pay attention. There is value in every word that is spoken or unspoken, even if we don't know what that value is at the time. Listen.

A Crown and a Sword

In all of my writings about my journey to the throne, I have neglected to speak about one of the most important characteristics of a queen. A queen must be a warrior. Yes, with the crown comes a sword. As Voltaire said, "With great power comes great responsibility." The necessity to don armor and hit the battlefield is not only to defend others, but to defend one's crown as well.

The "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune," as Shakespeare put it, are ever present as a queen ascends the throne. There are always obstacles and sometimes setbacks. But a queen must fight because the crown is her birthright. 

Women in this world are born into conflict. Our power is either physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually (or all of these) snuffed out or stifled from birth. As soon as we exit the womb, we are bombarded with the beliefs and shackled with the restrictions of the world we have entered. We are clad with pink, bows, ribbons, and lace to identify us as delicate and fragile. 'Feminine' is given the connotation of 'weak.' But make no mistake, females are born with the same warrior spirit, toughness, and fortitude as males. The difference is that our feminine aspect provides us with different tools with which to fight, and different reasons for which to fight.

Women must be the caretakers of the world. The children, the planet, and all its creatures depend on the skills of the woman to both nurture and protect them. We are the warriors for peace, equality, safety, wisdom, knowledge and love. We also have personal battles to fight on a daily basis.

The daily battle in which we as women must engage is the battle to live freely, securely and at peace in our own skin on this earth. We must have Teflon skin when we are judged by our physical appearance rather than our mental and spiritual content. We must brandish a sword against belittling words, thoughts and actions that would sour our spirits. We often must physically defend our bodies against violence.

Black women must double our efforts to protect our kingdom (we are the kingdom) from the barrage of hate thrown at us not only because of our gender but also because of our race. The belief system that was in place at our births says that we are not beautiful, we are ignorant, aggressive, materialistic, argumentative, oversexed, and less worthy of love and affection. Many of us join in this belief and therefore denigrate ourselves even more in the process. Some of us take arms against these beliefs often to no avail for lack of support.

All women can relate to the struggle to be seen as worthy and powerful allies to men, yet only the black woman can comprehend or even recognize their battle. We are stereotyped, mimicked, overlooked, ostracized, degraded and misunderstood. Embedded in the psyche of society are not only the beliefs about women, but those of the black race. Unfortunately, they are also embedded in the black woman's psyche as well, thus making the battle even more arduous.

As queens, African, Native, Caucasian, Asian, Latina, and Hispanic, we must be willing and ready for the battlefield. Whether we are fighting for our children, our planet, our families or ourselves, we must acknowledge that we are in the midst of war. Yes, there is a time to trade in armor for silk and the sword for flowers. Part of our power is our femininity. Most importantly, we must link arms and march together towards the enemies of hate, greed, oppression and misogyny. These are our real enemies, not each other, not ourselves. This, I have learned, is what a queen does.

We are the Ocean

In a reasoning with a dear friend the other day, he mentioned how individually we are all drops of water that collectively form the ocean and we are all the ocean. All of a sudden I was struck by a deeper realization and took the analogy further; like the ocean there is life inside and outside of us that affect and effect our behavior and appearance.

Allow me to explain further. We know that from bacteria to plankton to the blue whale, life in the ocean greatly affects life on land, yet we know very little about the ocean. At least 80% is yet to be explored. Ocean currents are a continuous directed flow of ocean water capable of traveling thousands of kilometers. Surface currents move water at the surface of the ocean, while submarine river currents flow deep below. The ocean's surface rises and falls predictably due to changes in gravitational forces originating from the Moon and the Sun. These changes in ocean surface level are known as tides and are evidence of the influence celestial bodies have on our planet.* 

In other words, there's a lot going on inside and outside of the ocean that affects/effects what we see, hear, and feel at the beach or on a boat. Sound familiar? Have you had days filled with emotional and environmental turmoil and yet all people see is that you're grumpy or mean? Perhaps if they delve deeper, they would find pain, confusion, frustration or a myriad of other 'submarine river currents' that would not be defined the same way as your surface behavior.

We are often so quick to judge and often misunderstand others because we are unable to see the 'submarine river currents' or the 'lunar gravitational forces' that are affecting/effecting them. When we first engage others, we sometimes forget that they lived an entire life before we met them. We fail to consider that perhaps it will take a while, maybe even another lifetime to really know who they are. We also expect them to behave as we do with the assumption that our behavior is the best, forgetting, of course that the life inside and outside of them may be completely different than our own.

As humans, we tend to live our lives based on our own perceptions which are formed by our own experiences and knowledge handed down to us. If we remember this when we engage with others, perhaps we will be more willing to be open to another's perceptions, experiences and knowledge if for no other reason than to better understand them. The ocean has been around since human beings appeared on earth, yet we have yet to explore 80% of it! Maybe like the ocean, we should dive deeper into others before we judge their tides.

*http://marinebio.org/Oceans/index.asp

“All warfare is based on deception.” ― Sun Tzu, The Art of War

For clarity's sake, please allow me to define "queen" as I use it in this blog. I define a queen as a woman whose pride in herself and her heritage, her service to others, and her devotion to the upliftment of humanity make her appear as though she dons a  crown on her head. It is a birthright of all women, but it is a title that must be earned, not one that is bequeathed. This blog is about my journey to the throne.

I try to make it a daily practice to encourage others to rise above worldly behavior, to be better versions of themselves. Please forgive me if I've ever implied that this was an easy task. I know from experience that it is a daily battle....one which I don't always win. Yes, it is a battle, a war. It is a battle which "society" as a whole wages against us on a daily basis via media, the lure of material goods, and other false representations of happiness in order to gain control of our loyalty. Yes, that's what's at stake. Your loyalty ensures you'll buy their products, rhetoric, policies, lies, excuses and so on. But what do we get out of it?

As much as I fight against what society calls "the norm," I too fall prey to it's attack. The assault, after all, begins at birth, so some things require daily reprogramming. My job has a lot of windows that I must pass several times during a day. I always intentionally glance at my reflection to ensure all is well, and inevitably dislike what I see. I begin to criticize everything I see in my reflection. It wasn't until the other day that I realized that I was playing right into the hands of the enemy.

I said to myself, 'how often have you told others to crush the so-called "standard of beauty" and look beyond the physical to find true beauty?' Yet here I am, every day, comparing myself to a standard that only 2% of the population can meet. (Yes, the beauty standard is another elitist scam perpetrated on the masses...and even they cheat!). I am so concerned with my outward appearance because I know that is how people judge me upon first impressions. But why do I care so much when I know that if people take time to really see me, they would find the beauty I have worked so hard to create inside me?

I have to admit that this is one battle that I have yet to find the right defensive and offensive strategy to win. I not only contend with the inculcation of the past, but also with the damaging words and experiences of the present. At some point, I have to take responsibility for my own involvement in the ravaging of my self perception. Honestly, I rarely, if ever, encounter women who look like Kate Moss, yet I meet many beautiful women all the time.  Everyday I see posts on social networks of before pictures of a perfectly attractive woman, and the after picture of the same woman with muscles like men and bones protruding from their hips. Is that how I want to look? Certainly not.

At some point we all have to realize that we have a choice about what we believe and to whom we give our loyalty. We must learn to ask ourselves if buying into "the norm" or going with the "status quo" truly benefits us more than being who we actually are and desire to be. What is really in it for us, and can we actually attain lasting happiness by attaining a lifestyle of luxury and striving for an impossible standard of beauty? The battle is continuous and we can only win it together. Let us be conscious of what is really important: kindness, caring, selflessness, honesty, and love.